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read between the lines
stop and stare thank god tomorrow is a holiday in these parts."Stop and starei don't tend to blog diary-style (following chronological events for the day) here, 'cos there's more to summarise than a day's findings and i don't feel like writing down every detail of what i did for the day, but i will resort to this method tonight (an abridged version) because this single day's actions seem to best sum up what i want to write on. late morning i wake up. late. so already the day starts in a not-too-happy-with-myself mood because i've slept through an important meeting...and am about to sleep through church too unless i force myself up. my phone is dead (i should've smelled a rat when it died during three attempts to charge it yesterday), so instead of hearing three alarms (and a miscall from kay, who agreed to it since i've been oversleeping through the past three weekend occasions) i only hear one. i blame myself a bit for sleeping on the spare mattress in my parents' room (the only air-conditioned one). usually i can't stand dry air because i either get woken up intermittently by a dry throat and blocked nose, or sleep right through until kingdom come because i'm too sluggish to get up. but on rare occasions such as last night, the night's stifling heat gets to me and i have to move in. early afternoon i reach church late, but thankfully just in time to hear the sermon part of the final service. at first i listen with keen ears but as it wears on, the sermon ends up taking a mental toll on me instead. it just so happens that today's topic has to do suffering...even though the title itself mentions no hint of it (about finishing well). a lot of what the speaker says is painful to hear even though the verses he gives are meant to encourage. he says stuff like god never gives up on you though people will, there's no other way to spiritually mature than to undergo the crucible of fire, genesis 50:20 (what was meant for bad god intends for good), how god wants to change us to be more perfect, 2 corinthians 4:17 (temporary troubles for eternal glory) and so on. ouch. i say ouch because it's like a refresher course on what god personally revealed to me during the first few weeks since that terrorist escaped and made life hell for me every working weekday morning at the checkpoint...meaning every word he says carries weight -- memories of tough times, the emotional and physical crap i had to go through, etc. but the killer had to be when he asked us all who we found hardest to forgive -- i knew who it was the split second he asked -- myself. it really made me feel like shit to be reminded of my lifelong struggle against self-condemnation due to the perfectionist in me. so by the time he's done i feel quite exhausted, mentally -- which was obvious to at least one of my groupmates, who asked if i was okay 'cause i looked tired. i said i was just feeling insecure. during the short walk with them to lunch where those who came happened to be engaged in conversations with each other, i felt like a loser already. i think part of the tired look was a sign of the inward tension i was facing as i was trying to remind myself i was useful in god's sight and god was with me as i walked. i knew it wasn't their fault because i didn't really know them long enough to forge one of those time-tested bonds where a conversation bounces back and forth with little effort, and i knew it was because i wasn't my usual boisterous self (not exactly an admirable quality either). thankfully over lunch, partly due to initiative on my part, i ended up week 11 milestone thank god i made it past week 11 of checkpoint woes safely.checkpoint woes part 3 "The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; it is when you don't understand yourself."how true. i suspect it is true of everyone else, but for me i just know that i almost always find myself in this position -- so lost, so unsure of myself, so...'extra' on this earth. like i just don't belong nor fit in anywhere, even though it looks like i do at times. perhaps the only place i fit is in the uncategorisable pile. haha. ha. in a weird way i guess the pastor (of the church i recently attached myself to) was right when he said oftentimes we subconsciously associate our work with our identity, so much so that when our work disappears, so does our identity...or at least it feels that way. i call it weird because he was referring to careers and jobs as work, but it recently occurred to me that work could be taken to mean the things i do (in this life) as well. it's always been the same thing -- if no one seems to need me or acknowledges my presence, i feel useless and i leave whenever i can. there is no "hey, i'm useful on my own (as in when i'm not being tended to) 'cause i'm a vital tool in god's giant toolbox". i don't know everything about my psyche and how it developed as a result of what i've been through, but this much i do know: i'm always needing the same things in almost every situation. and i'm never satisfying my needs on a permanent basis because i haven't learnt to be contented in Him yet. and because of this i have 'problems' that wouldn't really be problems if i saw things a different way. (i'm not talking about genuine problems that life throws at us from time to time.) either that, or i cannot find a way to solve unsolvable problems, which frustrates me. the daily morning rush hour at the checkpoint is an example. next week will officially be week 10 since that terrorist escaped and things are not getting any better -- in fact, they've worsened over the weeks. the past two mondays (mondays are always the worst) i have been so traumatised by my unpleasant experiences there that i could not even come into work until after lunch. (i don't believe in going to work if i know i am not going to be able to focus on work and will probably spend the day being a terrible employee.) and there were other days in these past two weeks where i have really had to sit down for a few minutes and wrestle with god over going to work because of this -- times where i nearly never made it to work. the people at the checkpoint are beyond rude...they are just pure evil. they just wanna get to work on time and will do so by any means possible -- even if it means injuring others along the way. i have never been pushed, molested, stabbed, kicked, punched, sworn at and challenged to fights to such a concentrated degree before (so many incidents in such a short span of time). and i get no rest, because i find myself waking up earlier and earlier every week only to find that this mob from the bowels of hell is always there before me and will remain there to beat the shit out of me until i arrive on the other side, unintentionally late for work and in a state of shock yet again. the situation has been so bad that even one of the officers in charge of stamping passports lost his temper as he tried in vain to get the mob to line up. his colleague couldn't do much, regardless of her "semua nak kena lokap 'ni" (all of you are asking to get thrown into lockup) threat. i did kinda wish she would take it up though, then at least there'd be justice for frustrated law-abiders like me. a side note on that: is it just me or do i seem to have an invisible Cut My Queue sign on my forehead? 'cause i look around and i don't see any of the potential weak links being exploited. not the old lady, not the short guy, not the primary school student -- just the seemingly unassuming, post-depressive (read: happier-looking) me. one of the worst things was having to witness my mother being sworn at by two motorcyclists as she dropped me off at the jb border. "c****" erupted from the left and a resounding "f***" followed on the left as these two hooligans zoomed past our car just so they could go the front and cheat their way into the car lane in front. honestly, if they didn't fly away so fast i would've shouted the same at them regardless of whether they returned to beat us up or not. it's one thing to piss me off, but when i see someone i care about getting pissed off, the anger is doubled and usually the other party isn't the one who gets so riled up. okay, my time is up and this post is already long enough so i'll leave it at this. |
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