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read between the lines
checkpoint woes part 3 "The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; it is when you don't understand yourself."how true. i suspect it is true of everyone else, but for me i just know that i almost always find myself in this position -- so lost, so unsure of myself, so...'extra' on this earth. like i just don't belong nor fit in anywhere, even though it looks like i do at times. perhaps the only place i fit is in the uncategorisable pile. haha. ha. in a weird way i guess the pastor (of the church i recently attached myself to) was right when he said oftentimes we subconsciously associate our work with our identity, so much so that when our work disappears, so does our identity...or at least it feels that way. i call it weird because he was referring to careers and jobs as work, but it recently occurred to me that work could be taken to mean the things i do (in this life) as well. it's always been the same thing -- if no one seems to need me or acknowledges my presence, i feel useless and i leave whenever i can. there is no "hey, i'm useful on my own (as in when i'm not being tended to) 'cause i'm a vital tool in god's giant toolbox". i don't know everything about my psyche and how it developed as a result of what i've been through, but this much i do know: i'm always needing the same things in almost every situation. and i'm never satisfying my needs on a permanent basis because i haven't learnt to be contented in Him yet. and because of this i have 'problems' that wouldn't really be problems if i saw things a different way. (i'm not talking about genuine problems that life throws at us from time to time.) either that, or i cannot find a way to solve unsolvable problems, which frustrates me. the daily morning rush hour at the checkpoint is an example. next week will officially be week 10 since that terrorist escaped and things are not getting any better -- in fact, they've worsened over the weeks. the past two mondays (mondays are always the worst) i have been so traumatised by my unpleasant experiences there that i could not even come into work until after lunch. (i don't believe in going to work if i know i am not going to be able to focus on work and will probably spend the day being a terrible employee.) and there were other days in these past two weeks where i have really had to sit down for a few minutes and wrestle with god over going to work because of this -- times where i nearly never made it to work. the people at the checkpoint are beyond rude...they are just pure evil. they just wanna get to work on time and will do so by any means possible -- even if it means injuring others along the way. i have never been pushed, molested, stabbed, kicked, punched, sworn at and challenged to fights to such a concentrated degree before (so many incidents in such a short span of time). and i get no rest, because i find myself waking up earlier and earlier every week only to find that this mob from the bowels of hell is always there before me and will remain there to beat the shit out of me until i arrive on the other side, unintentionally late for work and in a state of shock yet again. the situation has been so bad that even one of the officers in charge of stamping passports lost his temper as he tried in vain to get the mob to line up. his colleague couldn't do much, regardless of her "semua nak kena lokap 'ni" (all of you are asking to get thrown into lockup) threat. i did kinda wish she would take it up though, then at least there'd be justice for frustrated law-abiders like me. a side note on that: is it just me or do i seem to have an invisible Cut My Queue sign on my forehead? 'cause i look around and i don't see any of the potential weak links being exploited. not the old lady, not the short guy, not the primary school student -- just the seemingly unassuming, post-depressive (read: happier-looking) me. one of the worst things was having to witness my mother being sworn at by two motorcyclists as she dropped me off at the jb border. "c****" erupted from the left and a resounding "f***" followed on the left as these two hooligans zoomed past our car just so they could go the front and cheat their way into the car lane in front. honestly, if they didn't fly away so fast i would've shouted the same at them regardless of whether they returned to beat us up or not. it's one thing to piss me off, but when i see someone i care about getting pissed off, the anger is doubled and usually the other party isn't the one who gets so riled up. okay, my time is up and this post is already long enough so i'll leave it at this. |
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