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read between the lines
week 7 milestone week 7 has just passed. before it started, i prayed that this week, with this number of perfection, would be markedly different from the other six. and it was...in a bad way. so basically i got what i asked for, but not what i wanted. seems to have been the theme for this week...hah.u2's line from original of the species comes to mind: "I’ll give you everything you wantnote: just found out it was written for The Edge's daughter about her growing up into an adult. how apt, cos i feel it's like my Heavenly Father trying to do the same. my prayer requests and surface-level desires were met, but the deep yearnings of the heart were not. but then again, looking back, this week could have either been an opportunity to enter a deeper level of faith or a stumbling block, depending on my reaction. unfortunately, i let the latter happen. i did everything (or at least a lot of things) i was told not to do. and then self-condemnation took the opportunity to creep in the minute i stopped guarding the door to my heart. i only noticed this intruder very late into the week...which could only lead to more self-condemnation or the resolve to get a move on. i was telling god on tuesday that i would rather forfeit all the requests he fulfilled throughout the day if he could just fulfill the one request i really wanted to see answered. but later on i realised i just wanted to have my cake and eat it too...which was possible, if only i would believe and wait long enough for Him to act. so what was the purpose of giving me seats in jam-packed buses to sleep in, people i wanted to see and so on, but not giving me the satisfaction of reassurance? it now looks like it was because god was trying to tell me He could be trusted. who is He, the Creator of everything, that He should tell me such and who am i to doubt this Being whom i say is so great? i guess that's how i know He really cares, because like any normal Christian, i struggle at times to believe His promises. what's not normal about me is that i tend to [post-entry note: i will never know what i intended to write beyond this point because i have long forgotten...i originally left this post unfinished as a draft.]
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