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read between the lines
stop and stare thank god tomorrow is a holiday in these parts."Stop and starei don't tend to blog diary-style (following chronological events for the day) here, 'cos there's more to summarise than a day's findings and i don't feel like writing down every detail of what i did for the day, but i will resort to this method tonight (an abridged version) because this single day's actions seem to best sum up what i want to write on. late morning i wake up. late. so already the day starts in a not-too-happy-with-myself mood because i've slept through an important meeting...and am about to sleep through church too unless i force myself up. my phone is dead (i should've smelled a rat when it died during three attempts to charge it yesterday), so instead of hearing three alarms (and a miscall from kay, who agreed to it since i've been oversleeping through the past three weekend occasions) i only hear one. i blame myself a bit for sleeping on the spare mattress in my parents' room (the only air-conditioned one). usually i can't stand dry air because i either get woken up intermittently by a dry throat and blocked nose, or sleep right through until kingdom come because i'm too sluggish to get up. but on rare occasions such as last night, the night's stifling heat gets to me and i have to move in. early afternoon i reach church late, but thankfully just in time to hear the sermon part of the final service. at first i listen with keen ears but as it wears on, the sermon ends up taking a mental toll on me instead. it just so happens that today's topic has to do suffering...even though the title itself mentions no hint of it (about finishing well). a lot of what the speaker says is painful to hear even though the verses he gives are meant to encourage. he says stuff like god never gives up on you though people will, there's no other way to spiritually mature than to undergo the crucible of fire, genesis 50:20 (what was meant for bad god intends for good), how god wants to change us to be more perfect, 2 corinthians 4:17 (temporary troubles for eternal glory) and so on. ouch. i say ouch because it's like a refresher course on what god personally revealed to me during the first few weeks since that terrorist escaped and made life hell for me every working weekday morning at the checkpoint...meaning every word he says carries weight -- memories of tough times, the emotional and physical crap i had to go through, etc. but the killer had to be when he asked us all who we found hardest to forgive -- i knew who it was the split second he asked -- myself. it really made me feel like shit to be reminded of my lifelong struggle against self-condemnation due to the perfectionist in me. so by the time he's done i feel quite exhausted, mentally -- which was obvious to at least one of my groupmates, who asked if i was okay 'cause i looked tired. i said i was just feeling insecure. during the short walk with them to lunch where those who came happened to be engaged in conversations with each other, i felt like a loser already. i think part of the tired look was a sign of the inward tension i was facing as i was trying to remind myself i was useful in god's sight and god was with me as i walked. i knew it wasn't their fault because i didn't really know them long enough to forge one of those time-tested bonds where a conversation bounces back and forth with little effort, and i knew it was because i wasn't my usual boisterous self (not exactly an admirable quality either). thankfully over lunch, partly due to initiative on my part, i ended up |
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