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read between the lines
when past affects present i saw a blast from the past on friday. it has been seven years and you haven't aged one bit, as if to imply that you are still the same. i saw a more recent relic from the old days two weeks ago, also on friday. it has been one year and you are still as cold as ever. got me thinking, what is god's point in causing me to bump into people from my past again if all they do is add salt to wounds that have yet to be healed?i bailed today. i did what i wanted last night. i slept at 6a.m. without meaning to and today i ran away from everyone. while it felt good initially, both these things, it sucked when they ended. it's been a long time coming, this feeling that nothing satisfies these days. i don't get what i want, and although i try to put substitutes in place they can't compare to the real thing. and i get frustrated, or swing the other way into depression. i know god causes this to happen because he wants to wean me off wanting anything more than him, but on the other hand the journey back to him seems arduous and dry. last sunday i went to hide out...in my own church. and something in the sermon made me experience a personal transaction with god, as in it was two-way and not just one...i haven't felt that way in a long while*. i walked in hopeless and i walked out with hope. (*i hate just feeling like i'm talking to the wall whomever i speak to, including god. makes me feel useless and unwanted if i don't get a response from the other side. if the other party wants to ignore me they might as well kill me.) the speaker, incidentally, was instrumental in introducing me to the church i am now in. the things he said that stood out: -our past characterises who we are -we are consumed by the events happening in the present -sin is when we displace god in our lives but then again everything did stand out 'cause it was a youth-oriented special service and there was an ongoing skit illustration on the side...plus he's a natural comedian, to boot. the punchline has got to be the end where he said god wants you (or us, but 'you' sounds more direct) to live not in your past, present or future but in the eternity. it figures since the ministry he leads has that word as part of its name, haha. but seriously, it was so hard-hitting and really what i needed to hear at this crucial time and point in my life, especially after the previous night's sleepless night of sifting through my old blog entries for some semblance of hope to cling on to. as i sat down and listened to the sermon, i also got an incoming message from on high lending me greater clarity to this present haze of life: i am currently in a state of learned helplessness. so i have to unlearn everything i've learned for the past few years...which is difficult because everything has become a habit. the source of this condition was also revealed. so that was last week. and today? today i actually read 10 chapters of a book. i haven't picked up a book (that doesn't belong to the bookstore or library) and read that much of it, much less finish it, in close to two years. i feel so inspired. i felt a lot better after reading it, and i knew i would...but i couldn't find the will in me to just do it all this while, the same of which can be said for me needing to get out of my current condition. but i know this all too well -- i read, i get taken in by the book's story or main plot and start to enjoy the ride, i reach near the end, but i don't want it to end so i keep putting off reading until i forget what i've read when i want to return to reading, so i start from scratch again. and the cycle repeats itself. sounds reflective of my life, with a few amendments here and there. it's easy to start well but to end well is hard...strangely enough my non-christian colleague was the one who reminded me of this when i was griping about work. anyway i have to exit. |
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