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read between the lines
no way i was watching dc talk's MTV of my friend (so long) and as i was listening, the second verse onwards sounded like someone (i.e. myself looking at me from the outside) was talking about me, as in describing my current state.And I remember when you used to sayhonestly, i'm not absolutely sure why either. but i'm finding out new pieces to the puzzle as i trudge along. but there is yet hope...when the song ends each "dead" dc talk member resurrects and gets off from the operating table. yes, that is me. dying on the inside instead of living the (eternal) life. it's not a confirmative statement but merely one in current descriptive form. p.s. of course i know the song wasn't written in this context. but such is the reach of the holy spirit. the same questions this is the meaty part of a long email i've just sent out, 'cos i'm too lazy to type about the whole thing."i realise that every time i meet up with a close friend it's just a quick fix until the next friend comes along to cheer me up, and somehow i can't seem to find a permanent fix in god. he said maybe i should try spending time with god not to get my fix but to hear him out as a person. i said i realised that but was unable to get past the "isn't god supposed to provide for my needs" part... ...further thinking leads me back to a question i've asked before countless times. so what do i do now, as in am i not supposed to confide in anybody cos it's just me looking for a quick fix to this loneliness and joylessness, but if i am then what about the argument that every human needs to socialise and fellowship? and supposing i don't confide in people any longer, just theoretically speaking, how do i go about being relieved of my loneliness and joylessness by confiding in god? why is it that spending time with god has never been as good as spending time with a close friend? what am i missing that is not allowing me to feel that way, that joyful, not-lonely way?" okay, so that was more than one question. but i am interested to know the answers. except that the answers i'm receiving are still somewhat vague, abstract and hazy to me. or they seem incomplete somehow. that familiar feeling bad jessica. baaaad baaad person for staying up late. but i can't help it, the music's too good to leave.i feel...well i feel what i feel, and that's that. i think i'll let J.D. and one of his wise capitulations sum it up. "I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity...Or you can suck it up. It's your call."i've wallowed for too many years so, suck it up it is for me. oh, and throw in the fact that my 'new' cg of 6 months is still a mystery to me. not that i wasn't partly to blame. but...it's a long story. i don't feel terrible, i just feel...like something's missing, no matter how many friends i get to know (especially when the Divine Hand tends to sweep you friends away to faraway countries for His own perfect purposes). and i just wish god would give it to me sooner -- except that He won't because i have to discover it for myself in Him through waiting, waiting, waiting on the world to change...oh wait, that's john mayer. waiting obedience trust faith oh i've heard these all year but i've been digging in my heels because the cold hard truth always sucks to follow through with. but then again i've let caesar IV and the internet steal my sleep and most of my quiet time for the past few days, so maybe that's it. there's just something obsessive in me that must win that game before being able to release myself from its grasp -- and only two weeks ago i was complaining that i had no games good enough to keep me hooked. haha. post-work reflections am i the only coldplay slave around here or is x&y (the album) really good? i haven't sat through viva la vida yet even though i've bought it, but from what i've skimmed through it sounds like it'll take some getting used to 'cos it's so different. coldplay and dido are part of a stack of CDs i've splurged on since i ended work (my version of retail therapy). before i even realised it, i ended up getting a total of 15 CDs in a few days...crazy. not that i've never heard the songs from each album either; it's just that i never heard all the tracks.i finally succumbed to opening the only chocolate bar in the fridge while watching grey's anatomy tonight -- this episode was about addiction, ironically. speaking of ironic, the person i got paired up with during a discussion of loving people you find hard to love was -- you guessed it -- hard to love. what made it even harder was when she brought up (irony alert coming up again) a subject of which, was the very reason i found her hard to love. anyway back to the main subject of this entry -- my mini-celebratory post on having recently ended work. firstly, (and this is something my colleague brought up as a form of encouragement while i was still working) i cannot believe i made it through ten months, which happens to be the longest i've stayed at any place of work yet, despite the circumstances around me. don't get me wrong, i was blessed with the best, most understanding boss i've ever worked for and i really liked the job scope itself, but two things stood in the way. one was the extremely early mornings and strain of travelling long hours under exhaustion. there is a huge difference in travelling when you've had enough sleep and travelling when you haven't. and who knew mas selamat's escape was going to happen and cause the border to be consistently clogged with more pushy, nasty commuters than usual during rush hour? another thing was -- and this has put the most mental strain on me more than anything else -- the unfortunate sexual harrassment of a colleague at work as well as a factory worker at the checkpoint -- both middle-aged males. unlike previous similar situations, i could not avoid these two as the first one worked in the same room as me, while the other had this uncanny tendency of ending up in either the same walking route, same bus or same queue at the checkpoint as me, on either side of the border. all i can say is, i am heaving a huuuuge sigh of relief that i no longer have to see these two ever again (hopefully for the rest of my life) -- my thanks to the prayers of friends and my accountability elder during this ordeal. but mostly, thank god for providing supernatural sustenance to see me through to the end of my stint, on top of His daily protection, guidance and help with accuracy and speed on every working day i've spent there. and i really do thank god He provided me just the perfect colleague to get paired with. okay so it wasn't perfect and we had to iron out a few rough edges midway through (as with anyone who's had to spend several hours together every day with another stranger), but she's as perfect as she can possibly get as a working colleague. i was grateful for the fact that she was malay (which effectively meant we could both communicate in the same languages, thereby eliminating any frustrations i would usually have with a pro-mandarin person) and was only a year older than i (easier to relate for obvious reasons). not only that, we shared the same taste in music and even similar taste in clothes -- i really, really thank god for that 'cause i didn't want to have to deal with yet another cloned bimbo asking me stupid questions like why i listen to weird music or why i don't wear tighter clothes. that aside, now that i finally have time to sit back and reflect on how fast this year's whizzed (and how i've barely noticed because i was too caught up with the routine of work), it's been a productive learning experience, i'd say. i learnt how to appreciate the value of time, learnt how to exert greater self-control, learnt to be more patient with people and most importantly, learnt to cope with blue nights. i haven't got the latter down pat yet but every experience takes me closer to the end. it was tough and of course i do frown upon the times i gave in, was nasty, pestered friends, vented my anger or let my tiredness lead me into an exhaustion-induced depression, but...well i'm just glad i made it through (with a few lessons learnt) and now i get this break to relax, rejuvenate, recover and prepare. love i can't sleep again.blame dido's no angel album for seducing me to stay. i was thinking about the meaning of life again last night, and what was a few minutes of actual initial boredom out of mental roadblocks opened up into a one-hour dialogue with god about what was really important in this life (and if i didn't have to bathe the talk would've continued until eternity). wow. so what is life for anyway, and is there any wrong in eating, drinking and being merry like king solomon in ecclesiastes said? there isn't, because after all He is the One who created pleasures anyway (i'm borrowing from screwtape letters now). so what are the highest pleasures of life, the ones that give you that high feeling that carries you through the thunderstorms and whatnot? i concluded that essentially the greatest joy is in loving, and being loved back. and god pointed out to me that he belongs in primary equation of this, too. at this point i can think of a ton of christian sceptics who want to point out too quickly that the term "love" as defined by that passage in corinthians is summed up as commitment and sacrifice, and is not a feeling. i used to think that way, that true love held no love...but then it occured to me at yesterday's point in time that if there's not even a hint of joy, pleasure and that indescribable high you get from loving someone human or canine and the knowledge that the feeling is mutual, then there is absolutely no way that one is going to go far in commitment and sacrifice. and it totally fits in with what paul said about there being no point to faith that can move mountains if he has not love in him. so with that in mind, i think love does have to have the above feeling, or else it'd be called hate. some might be quick to ask if i am mixing up infatuation with love. i don't know, because one would have to be infatuated with someone to some degree in order to commit and sacrifice for them, even more so god, looking at all the martyrs who sacrificed even their lives for his cause. and perhaps it has been this wrong perception of what agape is that has been maintaining this gulf between god and i. or maybe it's just me arriving at the wrong conclusion. |
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