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read between the lines
oh...no enough with the well wishes, i feel like i'm going to my grave. it's bittersweet, i got what i wanted, sort of, but not really. i thought i'd have my freedom and my personal space till february, but no...i have to deal with the grime of life next week onwards. funny how things seem to work out just at the wrong time.welcome early mornings, late nights, travel fatigue, politics, depression to a higher degree bordering on insanity, inescapable circumstances and the deafening sound of silence all over again. sigh, i wish i had a car. i wish i had a loft. i wish i had the choice not to work, or at least the choice to do what i really want to do in life. wait, i can. but then i'd go broke, face the wrath of my parents and probably be found high on weed and dead in some dumpster in the back alley of nowhere. what is your deal, god? for some reason you obviously think i can handle this bomb earlier, that i don't need the mental preparation or last suppers before i march to my war. and not only that, you pile more on my plate than i think i can handle. you say you will equip, then why do i feel the opposite? so us weaklings will know who's G-O-D around here, yadda yadda yadda. sorry but i have the opposite reaction. i still feel like a fool flipping aimlessly through your book, and that's after making myself pick it up. what's this joy that paul has that i don't have, and why do i still feel like it's more a lifelong journey of pain and the suppression of pain than one of privilege and gratefulness? why can't it feel natural to read your letter? you say you will give us hearts with the single purpose of worshipping you. yet i feel anything but single-purposed. i feel dual-minded, with one mind knowing i should be doing all the right things, and the other fighting against it. why did you make me like this, with this complex? okay so i shouldn't compare but if i don't, then what kind of model christian am i on my own, the one at stage zero? why do i behave like a child yet not have the faith of a child? yeah, yeah, life is not always fair, but god is always faithful. and my questions are not always answered, but the Answer is always there. feelings i love watching gregory house every friday night...probably cos he gets me. it takes one to know one. and i always root for him.i am sad that the O.C. rerun of season 4 ended last friday. i am glad for papadum; her last sentence said it all: hope and spirituality. hopefully her hope will anchor us through. i am concerned because i see the same storms coming. and i felt it tonight as i caught a whiff of the kind of moments i will be in pretty soon, in the air. i think john mayer's heavier things makes a great anodyne for this week. Something's Missing by JOHN MAYER I'm not alone I wish I was 'Cause then I'd know I was down because I couldn't find a friend around To love me like they do right now they do right now I'm dizzy from the shopping mall I searched for joy but I bought it all It doesn't help the hunger pangs And a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate Something's missing And I don't know how to fix it Something's missing And I don't know what it is No I don't know what it is At all When autumn comes it doesn't ask It just walks in where it left you last You never know when it starts Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart Something's missing And I don't know how to fix it Something's missing And I don't know what it is No I don't know what it is At all I can't be sure that this state of mind Is not of my own design I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness For loneliness like this Something's missing And I don't know how to fix it Something's missing And I don't know what it is No I don't know what it is Something's different And I don't know what it is No I don't know what it is Friends - check Money - check Well-slept - check Opposite sex - check Guitar - check Microphone - check Messages waiting on me when I come home - check How come everything I think I need Always comes with batteries? What do you think it means? How come everything I think I need the insomniac i just came back from a really long journey and am very tired. yet i cannot go to sleep again. i just cannot. i feel dissatisfied and that is what keeps me up. so i traverse through the online landscape, looking for some semblance of pleasure, the hedonist that i am.but i find nothing really lasting; if anything, i find a lot of things stinging. there are a lot of things i don't want to think about, things i want to avoid, but one way or another these things always find me. i know i'm supposed to run to god, to spend time with Him and hide in His Word. but i don't want to, even though i know the answer lies there. it's the same old story. Driftwood by TRAVIS Everything is open Nothing is set in stone Rivers turn to ocean Oceans tide you home Home is where your heart is But your heart had to roam Drifting over bridges Never to return Watching bridges burn You’re driftwood, floating underwater Breaking into pieces, pieces, pieces Just driftwood, hollow and of no use Waterfalls will find you, bind you, grind you Nobody is an island Everyone has to go Pillars turn to butter Butterflying low Low is where your heart is But your heart has to grow Drifting under bridges Never with the flow And you really didn’t think it would happen But it really is the end of the line So I’m sorry that you turned to driftwood But you’ve been drifting for a long, long time Everywhere there’s trouble Nowhere’s safe to go Pushes turn to shovels Shovelling the snow Frozen, you have chosen The path you wish to go Drifting now forever And forever more Until you reach your shore You’re driftwood, floating underwater Breaking into pieces, pieces, pieces Just driftwood hollow, and of no use Waterfalls will find you, bind you, grind you And you really didn’t think it would happen But it really is the end of the line So I’m sorry that you turned to driftwood But you’ve been drifting for a long, long time You’ve been drifting for a long, long time You’ve been drifting for a long, long Drifting for a long, long time new year, new year i've tweaked frank sinatra's famous song title for this entry's title. i can think of one new year's resolution already: update one year's worth of missing posts! haha.for the first time in my adolescent life i actually feel pretty contented counting down at home with the telly on and my family in the next room (sorry but we differ on which country's televised countdown we choose to watch). okay, so part of the reason is because i'm not feeling so well but i sure don't feel like i'm missing out on anything, the way i used to feel countdowns past. if it is true that how the eve is spent is a symbol of the year to come, then what better way to spend it than in my homeland, with my human and canine (and additional feline) family (minus my brother who's at camp), with the much-needed time and space to retreat and reflect in quiet? had an unexpected family dinner tonight combined with my aunt's family and a few of their colleagues, which was nice...except for the part where they served white rice. unfortunately, the chinese-course restaurant we were at did not serve noodles by the bowl but rather by the table, and since i was the only one protesting i had to return home and stock up on apam baliks (malay version of waffles) to appease my ravenous appetite. my uncle and aunt eventually revealed the reason for the surprise occasion: the day of their wedding anniversary! their marriage is as old as me, get a load of that. i hadn't even known these facts until tonight, because we rarely get to see them as they reside elsewhere. their enduring union of two people from two (initially) different religions is something worth admiring. reflections of the year that would soon end (and now already has) were pretty similar to the ones i had on my birthday. i am relieved to have made it through the twin ordeals of post-terrorist security-tightening checkpoint jams and the two worst cases of sexual harassment i have received in my few short years on one of planet earth's safer regions. it became clear to me tonight that my parents have no idea what anxiety, anger and feelings of helplessness a sexually-harassed person goes through as they pitied the older woman who was currently harassing one of my uncle's colleagues, a guy around my age. the colleagues were discussing how to dissuade her from hunting down this poor guy and threw in a few innocent jokes at her, and this was what my parents were against and were pitying her for. it nearly turned into a verbal argument in the car as they stuck to their opinions (mostly my mother) while i spoke up in defence of the guy. of course my cause was personal, i said, having the exact same situation happen to me (let's not even talk about the factory-working stalker from the checkpoint) and of course i discussed courses of action and made the same jokes, if not worse ones because i was so initially bitter and angry that this was happening to me. plus this was merely the worst of the worst cases i had been dealt with, not to mention the other sickos i had encountered in the past from work and even church. but in the end my mother stuck to her guns and came to a truce of respecting each others' opinions. well, at least i'm learning early in life what the world is like, in the streetwise sense. with that said, i marvel at how i made it through the longest term (yet) at work despite these trials and others, because i know myself to be weak-willed. for that i thank god for his two verses of the year to cling on to, the patient friends he has put in place and everything else that he has provided -- that whole package made up of providence, grace, mercy, strength, intervention and the like. in terms of personal-spiritual growth, i have definitely moved forward, albeit slowly and minimally. it does not matter that a few who haven't seen me for some time think i have not changed for the better, as long as god and i know (together with the confirmation of a few fellow believers) that's fine. and that attitude in itself is a change. i am similarly thankful, relieved and glad that, two days shy of the new year, god has literally confirmed in writing his financial providence towards me. not only is the timing perfect, but also the amount and the place, seemingly so. and this is indeed good news, considering the current financial climate as well as my previous struggles in this area. i don't know what this year ahead holds, but it looks promising. and even if it doesn't turn out to be a better change of circumstance, i have hope that my ability to endure will grow, even if growth is slow. |
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