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read between the lines
oh...no enough with the well wishes, i feel like i'm going to my grave. it's bittersweet, i got what i wanted, sort of, but not really. i thought i'd have my freedom and my personal space till february, but no...i have to deal with the grime of life next week onwards. funny how things seem to work out just at the wrong time.welcome early mornings, late nights, travel fatigue, politics, depression to a higher degree bordering on insanity, inescapable circumstances and the deafening sound of silence all over again. sigh, i wish i had a car. i wish i had a loft. i wish i had the choice not to work, or at least the choice to do what i really want to do in life. wait, i can. but then i'd go broke, face the wrath of my parents and probably be found high on weed and dead in some dumpster in the back alley of nowhere. what is your deal, god? for some reason you obviously think i can handle this bomb earlier, that i don't need the mental preparation or last suppers before i march to my war. and not only that, you pile more on my plate than i think i can handle. you say you will equip, then why do i feel the opposite? so us weaklings will know who's G-O-D around here, yadda yadda yadda. sorry but i have the opposite reaction. i still feel like a fool flipping aimlessly through your book, and that's after making myself pick it up. what's this joy that paul has that i don't have, and why do i still feel like it's more a lifelong journey of pain and the suppression of pain than one of privilege and gratefulness? why can't it feel natural to read your letter? you say you will give us hearts with the single purpose of worshipping you. yet i feel anything but single-purposed. i feel dual-minded, with one mind knowing i should be doing all the right things, and the other fighting against it. why did you make me like this, with this complex? okay so i shouldn't compare but if i don't, then what kind of model christian am i on my own, the one at stage zero? why do i behave like a child yet not have the faith of a child? yeah, yeah, life is not always fair, but god is always faithful. and my questions are not always answered, but the Answer is always there. |
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