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read between the lines
digging deep started thinking deeply today about what happened yesterday...n the questions posed to me yesterday relly got me pondering a long time over my cup of latte. yes i went back to my favorite place: the coffee hse. i cudn't resist it since i was in the area anyway. but this time i didn't sit in the coffee hse...i went somewhere much quieter but still nearby...n thought things thru.what does God mean to me? i know what god should mean to me, i know what people n the bible say what god should mean to me, but what does God mean to me? what is wrong with my belief system that has caused me to lose my faith (not completely) in His plans? why am i relying more on the things are certain instead of the things that are not? i went to that super rich school today....but that's besides the point, n i dun wanna get myself into another sinkhole again by allowing my envy to resurface.....i went to that sch today, n the guy who was speaking that sermon....there was one part where he mentioned how jesus had to make the tough decision at gethsemane, n where when jesus previously said "thy will be done", it wasn't so hard cos jesus' will was also the Father's will, but now that it wasn't, jesus had to obey n submit to the Father's will. yeah, i got that yesterday i guess. i remember being close to failing earlier in the sem (u can see all my previous posts for proof of that), n how i prayed i wud not end up failing *any* module this sem....n yesterday how wryly that very recollection came back to me as i was lying on my bed n thinking about what jus happened. the daily bread [reading for yesterday]...didn't seem to help. it said...."are you being broken today? has the dearest thing in your life been torn away?" it has been ages since the daily bread readings relate directly to the day's happenings. it used to happen like...every time. so much so that, i even joked that the daily bread was the predictor for what was gonna happen to me today. ok, so studies is *not* the dearest thing in my life....actually i don't care even if i fail.....but yes i was broken....not jus by that but by other incidents in my life as well....n it jus culminated into a peak point that was yesterday.... today i can say that i am much calmer. more sane about the whole failing-the-module thing. n i noe it's not even me that's making me react this way.....thank ye all who have prayed for me. argh....i feel like a hypocrite again....esp when i think i'm dramatising something that, after some thought, isn't so terrible after all n i ask like tons of strangers to pray for me. yeah that didn't feel good.....i don't publisise my prayer requests like that usually....it's not in my nature to do so. but i dunno....whether i feel bad or not, all i noe is prayer is working. i can honestly say that this is not the real me....and i am surprised at the way i've taken the news....this is not me at all. this is like someone else taking over the controls and braving the world for me. someone like the Holy Spirit.... rite now, after much personal assessment, i realised i am not worried for myself today. what i am worried about is how my parents will take it. i am worried about their reaction, not about me. becos i asked myself....am i ok with failing the module? check. do i trust god to provide the money somehow if/when the scholarship gets revoked? check. am i ok with _______________? check. it's jus left with how my parents will react that worries me. currently it's too early to say that i'm safe from....the storm. i'll have to wait til sch starts again n we know what happens to the scholarship to see their full reaction to this whole thing. but yeah today drew out some deep thoughts about my inner core....what i really believe in, what concepts i think in terms of. and what really happened in there....in my inner core...what is the actual root of the problem....cos this is all jus the tip of the iceberg. |
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