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read between the lines
anger management it's nearly 2 and i am at the scene of the crime where an incident of incited violence just took place. yeah, my dad jus started throwing things around again after all my shouting woke him up. it's always like that. i jus got out of the bath, n my stupid brother was still up at the pc, n i had to retrieve the tissue box in the dining room to wipe my face becos the tissue in my room ran out, n as usual my brother refused to either move or take it from me.why can't i take it myself? well, when u have a sicko who still thinks it's funny to look under the hem of ppl's towels n torment girls while at the same time totally denying that he likes girls, u'll know why. so i was yelling at him to take it for me or move away, n of cos my dad woke up n blew his top. the reason why i mention this incident is: it jus occured to me, i seem to have been subconsiously modelling my dad as of late, in the area of anger. no, i don't throw things around (thank god i stopped that a long time ago), but i do lose my cool and have been easily provoked, esp saturday (read my previous post). i was jus reviewing my life again earlier after dinner tonite n i was jus telling myself how much i needed to control / manage my anger better, n i was wondering how i ended up like this....and then it jus hit me a few mins ago that i mite have been following my dad without knowing. there is a theory i learnt 3 semesters ago (that jus reappeared again tonite as i studied) called Social Learning Theory, n it's proposed by this old guy Bandura that ppl tend to model some of the behaviours of others, kinda like a "monkey see, monkey do" thing. n i think that's what i've been doing half my life in terms of dealing with anger. but i noe that's no excuse. when i'm aware of it, i try to stop it, but lately these past few wks i've realised that when the testing for anger comes, i jus let my anger go where it takes me. i mean, i'm not totally out of control, but i do feel that i've been harbouring it more and not handling it as well as i used to. so once again i am, like i mentioned in my older posts, going backwards again, or at least aiming to. to go back to a time where i was...a better christian. more trusting of god, less dependent on ephemeral things. btw, i especially enjoyed the company yesterday at my favourite old coffee house....the good old starbucks jb. i packed in a whole lot more hours of attentive studying there than i wud have done at a noisier coffee house. but i also had a leg cramp after that....found it hard to walk ard after that, haha. also found another comfy place to study at lavazza coffee aka. vivo....cheaper drinks, just-as-comfy seats, great rooftop view. today, was not able to go there again, so ended up studying in a slightly chilly coffee place. |
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