i've always had a soft spot for that song. and i don't know how it came to be but i'm playing that song right now. i'm still me and there's still demons in me i have to fight every day...i've realised that though they're not as huge as before, they're subtly creeping in and if i don't put a stop to it and make the decision to say no, i'll eventually give in and it'll be much harder to come out of that wreck when it snowballs.

i admit i'm still weak in my desire to change the bits in me that need changing, but i still have hope that i eventually can, for i am more than a conqueror (romans) in christ....and besides, God is the only chance i'll take 'cause he's the only one i know that's constant....and because of that He is my hope.

but who am i to complain?
to live is christ and to die is gain.

i die to self daily for the self can never be corrected just once and for all. i'm not self-sustaining but i depend on a grace from someone higher than me.

on another note, the word commitment came to mind today. it was rather unexpected, but i've got a new commitment on my hands within the church and erm....maybe cos they haven't really made clear how i am supposed to fulfill that commitment, i'm beginning to fear a little i won't do a good job of it. because the commitment today doesn't just include me, but will include lives that are not my own. and so the pressure of shouldering this responsibility is added.

and as i started to think about how the next few weeks would be with this new commitment in place, i realised that as of late i've been asked to take up responsibilities for certain designations at a higher amount than before. i used to be the girl with a heart eager to serve that nobody wants.....and i still am, to a certain extent. the difference is, i've been given more opportunities this time, and some of them i've seized despite the fact that they were not offered to me in the first place because i'm serious about committing to god, compared to last time when i was less willing to give up my comforts.

the words that appeared in my head as i was going through the most recent time when i had to make a fairly big decision still rang into my ears today as i thought of these things:

if god closes one door, he will open another.

and he certainly did...there's doors open now that weren't before. and like i mentioned before, i'm finding myself saying yes to some things which i would never have willingly said yes to before....and it's been paying off for me because i find myelf not regretting my yes-ses once i'm into it. but i am aware that burnout is a possibility, so the need to be cautious and the need for the Holy Spirit to sustain me is something that i constantly keep in mind.