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read between the lines
self i have no wish to comment on other days (the ones that passed since my last entry) other than the fact that, yes, i finally got some of the work n things i wanted to do done, and that made me feel at least satisfied or contented for the time being. there's still more work to be done, but at least it feels good knowing that i've been able to get some of it done.and yes, it felt sooo good to get enough sleep and not wake up with paralysed face muscles that can only show the expression of anger (as falsely perceived by some), which is in truth actually just a tired look. not that i slept as many hours as i would like to, but it was enough to keep me from looking and feeling exhausted. but lately (and even today) i have to say, i've had bouts of...what shall i call it, breaking down to god?...where i've had to make the deliberate and painful decision to cut my (old) self away, when i see it manifesting itself again. it's like this: i'll be doing or feeling something the whole day, and then at one point when i'm left to myself (usually when the day's over) my conscience, directed by god, will tell me that this is just not right and i have to stop in my tracks and confess to god. i want my life to be directed by the holy spirit, and not by self every single day (from part of paul's writing in the new testament..too tired to look it up). it's true what c.s. lewis said in mere christianity that the self will fight tooth and nail to stay, as we try to chase it out and replace it with the holy spirit. he also mentioned that god will not stop his work in us until it sees completion (hmm reminds me of a verse [can't remember where] that says he will finish the good work he has begun in us), and, painful as the process of moulding might be, he will not stop carving us out and making us more christ-like bit by bit until he's succeeded. and if you look at those two statements you'll see there are two forces opposing each other. it's the self vs. god. and lately i've felt the battle betweeen self and god begin again, though not as brutally as the predicament i just got out of. both fight for their own best interests, and both want a place in me. but of course ultimately i make the decision (with god's help) to give myself up to god. die to self. not that it'll ever be easy..but if there's one thing i'm thankful for, it's the fact that i'm at least aware of where i'm wrong, which must mean i'm in tune with the holy spirit, and not walking around blindly thinking i'm not doing so bad after all. also, as i was filing up my notes and doing some restacking and stuff the other day, i came across a few tangible reminders of my recent dark days yet again...a few meaningful scraps of paper, an item, etc. and i must admit, i wept as the memory of it (as in that time of darkness) came flooding back. remembered the pain, remembered how god helped me through a combination of events (which, looking at it now, i realised that all these seemingly unrelated events seemed to be part of one big plan to get me to where i am today), remembered things during that time that were long forgotten, things both painful and pleasant.... yawn. must be getting tired cos i seem to be zoning out...suddenly find it hard to focus when i think complicated thoughts. got things to do. going off. --note: i edited this post again the next night. so nope, the points are not as 'blurry' as before. |
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