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read between the lines
returning to dark what a loopy evening. i'm listening to "to the dearly departed" by kevin max, one of my old favourites, which is this slow, nostalgic kinda song...and that's merely providing the vocal wallpaper for what i'm reading: old content from my blogs, notably the peak of the recent dark days i just got over. by just going back and reading...i can almost feel the pain and loneliness and sheer wretchedness of me in those times.as i read, the memories, both recorded and unrecorded, return to mind. how much of a struggle it was, just to juggle both work (oh, how i detested it!) and my personal problems at the same time, and having to hold it all together and brave it all, which admittedly, i didn't initially. i kept running away....a lot of disappearing and going to places of refuge and solace where no one i knew could find me in. i remember walking home almost every evening from work feeling like i wanted to cry or just die. but in hindsight, i learnt and grew in wisdom from above. god was much more real, more closer to me then, through all the pain...He is the evidence of which can be found in my journals and blogs from that time. and, all the suffering, shitty though it was, it gave me a lot of knowledge...of god, the things he taught......and it reignited a closeness in my relationship with god that i had previously lost temporarily due to too many distractions during happy moments. i wish not to lose that fire and awareness of god, lest i need another bout of suffering to bring me to my knees.....but, knowing that man is fallen, and that the christian's life of growth is through times of hardship, i know it's bound to happen again. but it's better to be aware of it than to be blindly hoping for idealistic versions of heaven here on earth when we already know this ground is cursed (genesis somewhere). |
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