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read between the lines
one of those days actually, this is how the latter part of today felt like (ignore the song title credits n get to the lyrics):ONE OF THOSE DAYS by Duran Duran Suddenly it all looks so familiar Gone and wrecked it like I always do Don't you know it? Life is out to kill 'ya But you still go getting on with it Seen better times than right now But I'm not running away No, nothing's gonna bring me down It's just been one of those days I'm not the only one They can drag me to the gates of hell now There's nothing left but I'm still hanging in Not for me, ain't no final showdown I'm too shattered to do anything Seen better times than right now But I'm not running away 'Cause nothing's going to bring me down It's just been one of those days I'm not the only one feeling this way And I'm not sorry I'm not the only one feeling this way And I'm not sorry Not running away -- the lyrics seem to fit my life very much, at certain times and points. especially that part about not running away....i recall an old post a few months ago that mentioned the challenge someone posed to me about not running away....and since then i haven't budged an inch.....as in, i've stopped running when trouble finds me. well, running far enough anyway. i've decided to face the cold hard facts of reality. though sometimes i admit i put it off for awhile....but i haven't actually gone awol. speaking of trouble, today was supposed to be good. or at least okay. well it was...until it soured up in the end because of certain avoidable circumstances. let me recapitulate briefly. had very little sleep last nite, cos i was up doing...stuff. work stuff. i'll skip the classes part and come to the part where it starts to suck. picture this: i'm tired, slightly fatigued, and i've been literally to one end (as in one place) and back (to the original place) in time for this thing, and i come and find that at the end i feel even worse off than before? i mean, true, god's work is not supposed to be self-gratifying, but i don't think it's supposed to make one feel morose either. the question i am asking is this......was today what one would call fellowship-ping, or just an act of it all, a strained effort fraught with tension? nevermind the fact that in the end our "group" ended up being a one-on-one with someone who is not exactly the person i had in mind, but i mean....i really hated the way the atmosphere was all stiff and hard and cold....and it's left me wondering, should i even go on doing something like this in this particular setting if it's even worth it? to put it this way, she and i tried to talk. tried. okay, i tried too. really. but, you know sometimes you can just tell by the way people ask you questions that they really don't think you've got your head screwed right, y'know what i mean? it's like they judge you even before you have a chance to explain. actually not just the questions they ask...how they've previously reacted to you in the past, what they've said to you, the incredulous look in their eyes when they ask you in that funny way.... and then there's the other issue to contend with. she asks me questions that hint, that probe at an underlying issue she's trying to get out of me....questions that, are not to be taken at face value. and of course, naturally, since we are supposed to be siblings-in-christ, she expects mutual honesty. so okay, i'm game for that. but when i try to ask her what exactly is the underlying issue, she tries to cover it up as if it was nothing. and with her side of the fence closed up she expects me to open mine? and after the whole affair ended, i leave pretty late, get home pretty late, feel pretty fatigued, tired, morose....and just thinking, why am i doing this again? i could've gone home when i went to one end and back....i could've just, gone to one end, and continued on my way home instead of returning back, but no, instead i came back and battled the tiredness.....just for ice-cold "fellowship"? i'm seriously wondering what to do about this situation here. i really am. anyway, to cut the long story short, it all got to me, both the mental and emotional drainage.....and i cracked when i got home. took a long bath, thought it out, was about to pray.....when i saw my mom popping watching "hitchiker's guide to the galaxy". man, that is such a funny movie....a brilliant parody of sorts...especially the one about worship service. i can see why the book was a classic sci-fi bestseller, though i think nothing beats reading the actual book. and even though i now suffer from a phlegm-filled throat due to loud fits of constant laughter, i feel so much better already. not as terrible as earlier. but i must admit....since this morning til now the gas in my stomach has been causing discomfort by refusing to exit my system. sigh, the perils of having a weak stomach. |
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