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read between the lines
insecure terrible terrible terrible. i have gone around doing stupid things online tonite. all becos my mind went a bit high today and i suddenly had extremely itchy fingers. my evidence is all over the chatrooms and blogs and emails and whatnot. seriously. i think minor damage has been done. and i feel some sort of light-headed stress pulsing through my blood as i wreak havoc. i think it points to the obvious: i'm insecure.where is my firm foundation? have i gone bonkers, wild, nuts? but then i look around at all the blogs i read and i realise i'm not the only one who's insecure...ok that was an understatement....everyone is. but not to this extent, right? seriously i am just amazed at the friends that stand by me in this moment of temporary insanity. this is just not proper behaviour. but what then is proper? how do we define it? does society determine the standards of being proper, or does god? but ultimately i feel that the culture we live in somehow shapes and colours our view with a certain amount of personal bias, even if we're trying to judge it by God's standards, like i am. it's just like weirdness...who defines "weird"? well for that the answer is much more obvious: it is society n the media. weird is supposed to refer to something unusual, something that stands out from society. but society always changes, so there is no definite tangible element to tag it to, right? fat was the "in" thing in 16th century paintings (or was it 17th? i jus noe it was somewhere around the time when artists were painting those portraits of fat naked women)....and now society says it's out. bookworms-cum-studious-types used to be hated and scorned at severely in the 80s n early 90s....n now i don't know if it's because we're older, but people don't seem to feel as repulsed towards them as they used to. ok, confession. i used to be that kind of person. wait. i still am, but bent on school books much less these days... but somehow the acceptance level is...higher than before. and it's the same with the people around me who have similar tendencies. ah...wait. i think i know what has been bothering me all this while. it was something someone said yesterday. it was a cliffhanger kind of statement, and so great was the impact that it has got me thinking all day and all night, wondering what in the world is the ending to that cliffhanger. there are so many possibilites. i've tried hard not to think about it, tried to block it out, which thankfully i managed to for a spell in the afternoon after a spot of religion (ok, repeated begging to God and certain godly reading material to be specific) when i was doing my work. but then my family drags me out for an outing at some man-made lake in the outskirts of johor at nite n when i come back late i find, to my annoyance, that once again i have fallen prey to losing the momentum. no mood to work suddenly. concentration / attention span is just...waning. and here i am stuck on the net. this shall be my last words before i retire from the net tonight....gotta go get it right with god again tonite. thank god school starts late tomoro...but it ends pretty late too. 10pm to be exact. |
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