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read between the lines
gloom sigh. i don't know what's wrong with me today. it's one of those sets of days again which have become very familiar to me. a day where it already starts on the wrong foot, because i've got a lack of sleep. a day of feeling haggard, weary and in dire need of relief either in the form of sleep or encouragement, to which i get neither usually (it's come to the point where it happens so many times that i'm used to not expecting it anyway...but it doesn't mean i don't need it).i mean, i've come to draw this need (of relief) and my strength from the source of living water, jesus, but sometimes, in times like these, i do feel easily-broken in spirit and very prone to tears. tears of desperation, tears as a form of emotional release, tears as a sort of offering to god or a form of asking him the deepest questions of my heart. and often, tears of disappointment at myself for falling short of the mark god has given me. not that i've given up on myself, but i do feel bad when i do or feel something i know i'm not supposed to. and this music is killing me. i think the librarians must be familiar to the same girl with the pastel green bag that's borrowing the Limited Library Access (it basically means u can only borrow it for 2 hrs at a time) oasis cd every single day. and i've been playing that shit on my laptop almost everytime i do my work this past 2 wks. not that oasis is shit, but stand by me is a really shitty song to play when you're feeling tired and depressed, i just realised but it's become a sort of addiction that i'm too sluggish to let off. yes, it's blasting in my ears right now as i sit here and blog in this library like a pathetic loser who's got nothing better to do -- not that i don't. i'm like, stuck here again because i'm waiting for the jam time to pass. again. not of my choice. sigh how i wish i didn't have to pass through the customs every day, especially when it starts to jam up. i mean both human and traffic jams...and personally, human jams is the worst of the two cos you get all kinds of molesters and disgusting people touching you on the wrong places during that time. which is why i refuse to go back until the jam time has passed. but what i would really like now is to be home...i mean, not really my actual house, but a place that at least feels like peace, quiet and has a bed. if i had the quid, i would probably be checking into a hotel room right now to sleep. i don't care about having no scenery or swimming pool shit, cos i can't swim anyway. i just want to....rest. either literally rest on a proper bed or rest my mind at least in a proper quiet and solitary environment. but i try not to yearn too much these days for the impossible lest i start feeling like running away from reality again, something which i committed myself against a few months ago. so reality is grim, but at least it's easier to handle the fall when you're head's not in the clouds in the first place. and really...i don't know what's up, but i just can't stop myself from listening to oasis. their music is both miserable and consoling at the same time. i can't describe it. or maybe, in a crude way, like this: depressive lyrics but damn good drum beats and emotion-evoking melodies. what's on my oasis songlist? champagne supernova, don't look back in anger, d'ya know what i mean, don't go away, stand by me....among some of the tracks. tried to wean myself off them by listening to other cd's but right now it's not really working for me. and anyway the music's not the problem. the heart attitude is. if there's one lesson to be learnt this past two weeks about myself, it's this: lack of sleep makes me prone to meltdown. it's weird...usually i hear of people saying lack of sleep makes them irritable, but for me it's the other end of the stick...probably cos i've always leaned to the other extreme by nature anyway. and i've realised that just around about an hour of sleep in the library in between actually makes a whole lotta difference on how my mood is for the rest of the day. just that 60 minutes of sleep can have such a noticeable difference -- before: headache, gastric rumblings, tired, weary, emotionally drained; after: headache and gastric juices cleared, happy, energetic, peacefulness. but sometimes i don't get access to that sleep. and then that's when it all starts to take a toll on me emotionally. it's like the physical is affecting the emotional. but somehow in the midst of all this, i do feel a sense of...closeness to god in some weird way. this crying (paragraph 2), it seems almost like a self-correcting mechanism of the Spirit's, the more i think about it. cos sometimes in a semi-conscious way i can feel like all this brokenness is keeping me in check with my position in god every day. by "position in god" i mean my position as a small fry in relation to the almighty god. it's kinda keeping the self / ego at bay. humility coming into place. if i were to base that on freud's theory of the id, superego and ego, it would be me having to keep the id satisfied in god, to keep the ego down, and the superego (being in this case, god) up in these daily struggles. and i think i find what freud calls repression in god; that is, i satisfy my needs or id in the superego or god. but of course sometimes they do cry out to be heard, these needs. and one of them was in something this kid said to me on monday, words of which left quite a lasting impression on my mind of late. he told me blatantly and honestly how much he missed my presence in the kids' centre (yeah, i went back to where i did my mission trip on monday). i agree with what my friend said about caring for certain types of kids. "i never felt so loved," she said, a few months back. right on, sister. the word love has been much misused, frequently abused and its true meaning often repressed or kept hidden from the people in the times that they need it the most. some search for it in the temporal, some in the eternal. but logically, though the eternal would be better because it lasts forever, sometimes the self just wants a quick fix and turns to temporal means to get it. it's like a drug in that sense. and a battle starts to materialise between the conflict of the id (self) wanting (selfishly, of course) to satisfy its need via these quick fixes and the superego (conscience) knowing darn well that in the long run, the wait for the long-term reward is better. and i've been wearied out from fighting against the current for what i know in my heart (through the holy spirit's prompting) is right. a final note on this before i end off and begin the long journey back home, by my search for love in this sense i mean acceptance...or the feeling that someone cares / gives a shit about me or what i do, not in the egotistical sense but rather in the acknowledgement-of-existence sense. yeah, i'm having none of that lovey-dovey eros shit. i'd take phileo love any day. or should i say agape, though sometimes it's hard to feel it. |
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