Recording my journey of trying to make it through life and find God, joy, purpose and meaning along the way...basically in search of eternal life here on earth.

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read between the lines

Monday, February 06, 2006

god.love.friend.

thank You God, for loving me.

(side note: haha. it reminds me of aerosmith's song.)

today's holy communion was made more meaningful (than usual la, not that i've never had meaningful ones before) with the added recollection of yesterday's events, which was a reminder of events of other yesterdays if you get what i mean.

i think it was good i came for delirious? yesterday. i wasn't really a fan of them, but i'm glad i came anyway. because i think it's somewhat renewed my soul. not just the worship itself, but the personal events that unfolded during the thing. and i could tell, because surprisingly i did not fall into the pits of depression when i went about the day, doing the things i usually do that run the risk of leading me to it.

(side note: even the fact that martin smith, whom i saw for the first time, looked somewhat hot for a guy did not distract me from my time with god.)

on hindsight, it was not surprising that the song what a friend i've found pricked my heart the most. somewhere around this year i came to the realisation that it only takes certain key words, words that are linked to issues close to my heart, to trigger tears in my eyes. which kind of surprised me, but it made me realise these issues, or topics, or whatever you call them, have never really left me.

some of those key words came out in the lyrics to that song. no prizes for guessing which words. it made me reflect on what a friend is to me, in general. and how jesus is the greatest friend of all, even though he's this big, powerful king and all.

What A Friend I've Found
by DELIRIOUS?

What a friend I've found
Closer than a brother
I have felt your touch
More intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever

What a hope I've found
More faithful than a mother
It would break my heart
To ever lose each other

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, friend forever


yesterday also brought up the recurring issue of anger. i did not realise how anger-prone i still am until i was told yesterday. and then the things that happened on the journey home and my eventual outburst of shouts with my mother today made me realise that is an issue i still have not totally dealt with. or have not handed over the full rights to god yet.

it's pointless saying what was the main cause of my eventual outburst, but all i know is i tahaned and tahaned until i just couldn't stand it anymore. or so i thought. in reflection it was actually because i lost control of the car of my life i was driving.

what happened today, with the added remembrance of the fact that i still cannot control my anger at times as previously thought, made me realise the struggle to get along with my parents is a daily thing. i tend to forget sometimes and lose it when i let down my guard. when i lose focus of the fact that i am supposed to surrender ALL my anger, hidden hurts and feelings oppression / injustice to jesus and not leave any behind. and when i lose focus of that, i start to look out for me and my best interests when dealing with my parents as opposed to theirs as well.

but whatever i have done, i am glad i can rest in the knowledge that You love me no matter what. and i am so glad i can finally say it and mean it because it has been some time since i've been able to believe that and look beyond the lie that our god only loves us as much as we do. god imposed on my mind today that if that were so, he would not be faithful 24/7 and he would have failed me many a time as i have done. and even if my love was unfailing and only my very best efforts prevailed, all my love cannot save anyone. not even myself.

that and his forever faithful friendship made holy communion today a special one to acknowledge.

Five Candles (You Were There)
by JARS OF CLAY
A promise or a dare
I would jump if I knew you'd catch me
Staring over the edge
I can't tell if you'll be here for me

I close my eyes and make a wish
Turn out the lights and take a breath
Pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open

But you were never here

I remember you said
Love was more than your good intentions
Empty boxes on the floor
Things I never asked you for
I pray that when the wick is burned
You would say that it's all about love

You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open

I can't see the promise of
Excuses you fall upon
I pray to God not holding on
To things you've left undone

You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were there when I needed you
You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open

You were there when I
You were there when I
You were there when I needed you