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read between the lines
grace i got to know a young christian today who revealed her (obviously deep-rooted) fear that her existence (actually she said 'birth', but i don't think she was trying to say she was conceived accidentally) might have been a mistake and that she might have messed up god's wonderful plan for her a long time ago. finally, someone who thinks like me, i thought. haha. well at least i used to think that way. but i get what she means.in days past when murphy's law seemed to be working more often than not, i used to think: how could i f*** things up this badly? it's all my fault, so i'm left to bear the consequences and suffer the losses, right? can god really salvage anything from this trail of wreckage i've left behind? how can i ever recover? and if i was in a particularly self-deprecating mood, i would even wish i never existed. that it would have been better for me to have never been born, so it would have saved both the people i've wounded and myself the pain. kind of like how jeremiah and job felt. over time, one lifesaver of an answer rang clearly: grace. grace washing over me and cleansing me from guilt, grace assuring me that it was wide and encompassing enough to overcome even the biggest mistake that i could ever make in my lifetime, grace giving me the hope and the strength to not only live another day, but to trust that the next day would be a chance for myself to change for the better, a chance to distance myself from the past. basically, grace of the kind only god can provide. with it came the realisation that what i had been believing in was a lie all along, something which i hope she too comes to experience and internalise as she journeys on towards christ. i would have liked to talk to her more, since people who talk with substance come by rarely (either that or we just haven't got to that point yet) these days, but time did not permit us to. but then again, i have a feeling i will be seeing her again very soon. edit: i'd also like to add that, along with realising my beliefs were lies, came the substitution of the truth -- obviously a truth has to replace a lie in order for it to be proved as such -- that by me saying i had crossed the line (aka. messed up so much that i was beyond repair), i was implying that god was too small, not powerful and not sovereign (or encompassing) enough to "fix me" (think coldplay's song). i was also implying that there was somehow a loophole in the whole concept of grace that i had fallen through, as if grace was something that had to be earned, to some extent. which of course, now that i had put it that way, obviously woke me up to the truth. immediately. |
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