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read between the lines
bad day i don't know what came over me today. but whatever it was, it all started with one stupid dream. felt like i woke up on the emo side of the bed today and it kinda set the tone for the rest of the day. was more sensitive than usual to unhelpful comments and reacted in an unsound mind, to put it politely.it wasn't exactly a nightmare, but more like a worst-case scenario. it was one of those dreams where you wake up crying and it's so incredibly surreal that you lie in bed for a few disorienting seconds wondering if it was just a dream or a real memory of something that happened a few days ago. so i get out of bed and my dad has one of his sarcastic moments. initially i retort and throw the ball back in his court, but when he returns it (and really rubs salt into the wound by going further), i say nothing, even though at that moment i really want to retaliate. but i leave the house feeling really pissed at myself for not doing what i felt like doing, even though i was doing the right thing. the anger towards my dad also sort of morphs into hurt as his words ring in my ears. i also feel a strong sense of injustice. throw in more incidents from the past and suddenly it becomes so difficult to let the anger go because it'll feel like all the things i suffered, i suffered in vain. to make matters worse, what i was already feeling kind of affected how i spoke to someone else and apparently i touched a raw nerve which left my friend pissed and left me feeling bad. the day kind of took a nosedive from then on. and it's still lingering tonight. i read the bible earlier. spent some time with god trying to figure out what went wrong and what i should or shouldn't have done. a few things came to mind. i fell because i took things to heart today, more often than usual. it is also most likely that i fell because...my suffering was sent to keep me from evil (job 36:21). and i think...it is a preview of what is to come, so i can better prepare myself this time round. it also occurred to me that turning to god in these times, crying my heart out in some toilet somewhere, is not a loser-ish thing to do, nor should it be viewed as a last resort, because it might be the key to deepening my level of intimacy with Him. |
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