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read between the lines
comparisons of me is this even the same me i live with nowadays?"so, the best thing is to enjoy the wait while you're at it. the way i see it, if i have ten years of waiting, i have the option of feeling and acting like those are the worst ten years of my life, or i can choose to make the most of it and, while i'm at it, maintain a positive outlook so that at least when those ten years are over i won't have to look back and think what a stinking waste those ten years were simply because i didn't feel like doing anything but mope."it's like the longer i live, the more faith, hope and optimism get sucked out of me. i feel kinda sad for me...if that makes any sense. but then again as i read through my writings, i feel encouraged...by my own words. it's as if i'm sandra bullock's character receiving writings from a guy from another time in the movie the lake house. haha. i also found this, which is weird 'cause this could have very well been written this year: i hear the word TRUST and FAITH calling out their names. especially faith....what is faith? to hope in something that is already available? to be assured of the things one sees at the present moment? it's hard to swallow initially...especially when the fear of things turning out for the worst looms ahead, but i believe what god's trying to tell me is, with practice, i can eventually learn to trust Him about my future. in the struggle I Will Remember Youby SARAH MCLACHLAN I will remember you Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one I will remember you Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I’m so tired but I can’t sleep Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard But I will remember you Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories And I will remember you Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Weep not for the memories -- anyone who knows me knows i don't play sarah mclachlan or corrinne may 'sad ballads' unless something is very wrong with me. and it is. i am tired. and i have lost the will to do the things i must do. i have no direction, i have almost no hope, i have no confidence in myself to pull through. every day is a drag. where i once didn't feel the pinch of low sleep levels, i now do. it's amazing what the loss of a vision, a passion or a reason (or incentive) to carry on can do. suddenly everything just feels that much harder or more impossible to do...and just that one bit more makes all the difference. when i look back, my life is full of regrets. even if i just look at the duration of this year alone, i see myself having failed as a good daughter, failed as a faithful friend, failed as a reliable christian soldier in this war we're stuck in. but after plowing through all that, i realise the problem is not because i keep failing; it's because i keep giving up too easily. i get easily discouraged and don't feel i have the mettle it takes to overcome all things even though the Word says this is true. so okay the Book of Life did add a clause: everything must be overcome through Christ who strengthens us (phil 4:13, 1 john 5:4). but what happens when you feel so far away from god, let alone people? i feel this increasingly so: not that god doesn't speak, but when he does the words fail to sink right in. someone told me He's shouting in my ear, judging from the pointers i've described having received. so what is my problem -- how do i remove this invisible barrier that's preventing His words from penetrating into my heart and healing me? i flip open the psalms on the advice of a friend and 'chance across' this: "The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope."so i was right, He hears. then why do i still feel so ill-assured and incapable of rising to greatness amidst these tragedies? |
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