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read between the lines
tough day i opened my mail today and this is what our crusade matriculation leader wrote today under the daily prayer list:
well said, friend, well said. i was going thru this same struggle again today. not that i don't go thru it everyday, but today was one of my worse days. but it's interesting to see how the sky always seems to magnificently beautiful when it's one of my tough days....maybe i appreciate it more, or maybe it just is so. it is always a comfort to look up in awe at the majestic canvas laid out above your head that leaves you utterly dumbfounded and empties your mind of everything -- all the troubles you had -- save for praise, and only praise for God's work of art. i think that's how david must've felt whenever he looked up at the sky....i've always wondered how he cud praise god in troubles anyway. but the sky always blows me away....i agree with what my friend said a few years ago at yf...that sometimes he thinks that god made all the stars and heavens above...just for our visual enjoyment. seriously...it's like some kind of consolation to have something wonderful to look forward to when you're feeling less than good. was pretty glad i went outdoors today for solitude and retreat...no more coffee houses for me, haha. at least not for today anyway. besides, at coffee houses it's not totally private, not really shut off from the world. but the only thing with the outdoor greens is...you gotta find a cool place to hide at, somewhere away from the sweltering heat. thankfully, i did. but that's me now, slightly zoned out (it's too early in the night for my eyes to feel at rest when staring at this glaring screen) and somewhat tranquilised from pain. earlier on was a minefield. i realised there are two kinds of people that handle stress. one, releases their explosives openly, by swearing, cursing, kicking and throwing things around and hurting the people around them. the other, internally implodes, and starts having suicidal thoughts, slitting their wrists, falling into depression, beating themselves up mentally and hurting they themselves. now, some of these examples are just extremes, to make the distinction between the two categories clearer. more often than not i am the latter. i'm not saying that i slit my wrists or have jumped down any buildings, thank god, but i do beat myself up in a mental (as opposed to physical) way and instead of inflicting the pain on others i make myself suffer inwardly. i don't know...i just feel..so frustrated at myself sometimes. like i said, it shames me to know i cannot cure my own weaknesses. i should be handling this better, i say. why can't i be more forgiving, more tolerating, etc.? but then God comes into the picture and tells me "i am weak but Thou art strong"...."in my weakness You are glorified and Your strength shines thru"...."it is through weakness that i realise i cannot do anything with my own strength, not even improve myself and therefore i need You".... so okay, i say. i need You. now what? what exactly do i do from the time i remain weak till the time You strengthen me? what do i do in the in-between? how do i prevent myself from going crazy just waiting for it to end? but i know that, when one hurdle is cleared, there's another just waiting round the corner. and it'll never end, it'll keep going on and on, this process of refining....until i reach eternal perfection. so what do i do with the time that is given to me (in gandalf's words)? i don't have the answer yet. or rather i do but i'm finding it hard to accept it becos it's a risky concept.....i hear the word TRUST and FAITH calling out their names. especially faith....what is faith? to hope in something that is already available? to be assured of the things one sees at the present moment? it's hard to swallow initially...especially when the fear of things turning out for the worst looms ahead, but i believe what god's trying to tell me is, with practice, i can eventually learn to trust Him about my future. it's like what i was told the day i missed the exam....if i can trust God to bring me to Heaven, why can't i even trust him with my future [or studies]? and then it's a full circle again... i worry if things turn out badly -->i want to trust god completely-->how do i trust Him?-->just trust-->but i worry if things turn out badly (back to square one) the only thing you don't see in this picture is the trust getting stronger and the doubt getting weaker. that's perfection growing...but it takes time. and for a person whose patience is no longer a virtue (it never fully was anyway..but it did erode thru the years), that piece of news is very hard to take. but i have my weak moments and my strong ones. it's like the last part in lotr: the two towers when sam says to frodo: goodness will pass, but so must darkness. and that song from my parents' time that says there is a time / season for everything, which was taken from the book of ecclesiastes. darn i always hate the last part: a time to die. still haven't gotten over my fear yet...haha. |
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