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read between the lines
watching time fly by yet another day has gone by as i watch my life waste away....why do we humans procrastinate, slack and waste time so much? i guess it's something in us, some innate ability to wanna do nothing all the time. that's what the devil wants anyway, rite, to immobilise ppl so they can't do anything for God...ah the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak..." In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord that determines his steps." --Proverbs 16:9 true, i totally agree. especially what with the recent about-turn of events last friday....speaking of which, the retake yesterday was...i got a lot to say. but i'm tired...n i want to dwell on today's revelation. this is what i realised as i reviewed the day's activities briefly this night and came to the conclusion that once again my sloth and laziness has gotten the better of me: all of us, at one point or another, use some form of escapism to escape the real world. yeah, we're all Cyphers at some point or another, cos sometimes the real world is just too hard to take and all we wanna do is get plugged in again and live in our artificial dreamworld. yup, i was referring to the Matrix (the first one was the best)....and...yeah, it's true...i mean, when you seriously sit down and think about it, how many of us in this world actually have the guts to go out and do what we're supposed to do? be it our schoolwork, other work or god's work, how many of us actually put to good use each and every day of our lives and manage to accomplish what plans (i'm referring to the bible verse above) we have for the day? and we humans, we have this thing for escapism. the real world sucks...so sometimes we hide ourselves in little coves of perfect-world fantasies because we just don't wanna face the harshness of reality. we immerse ourselves in simulation, fantasy and rpg games....read a book about some nowhere place where everything turns out right in the end....watch some tv teen soap where it has a better chance of a happy ending than in real life, or go to the movies to get our fix for that....we're always trying to escape the real world. at least that is what i find myself doing. i'm doing that running away thing again...it's my natural, instinctive reaction i guess....if u read my previous posts, i was supposed to have stood still and said, stop, i am not going to run away when life gets tough. but i realise now that even though i don't have a getaway car and i haven't actually packed my bags and gotten my physical body out the door, i still try to escape in my mind. (especially with all these pc games..that's the reason why some of the games i love are those with stunning visual scenery.) and i hate it...cos it totally wastes your day, if you know what i mean. so ok, a little light relaxation for the mind is good...but not when it addicts you and causes you to feel too sluggish to do the things you're supposed to do. ultimately i'm still coming back to this: without God, i can do nothing. i can have great plans for each day, i can meticulously calculate what i could possibly do with the next day's time and try to squeeze in the work i'm supposed to do, but if God's presence and favour does not rest upon me i might as well plan to fail. it reminds me of my own weakness every day that i am not able to motivate myself to do up my work and complete the plans i made for that day. but reading spurgeon's "god loves you" again was rather reassuring. the first subheading in chapter 1 was...what else but "sustained by god"....and in it charles spurgeon himself, one of the world's great christian thinkers of the 20th century, can admit that he is not over with this battle yet (see below). *note: the ones in brackets are what my words/opinions are,and the italicised or larger-font words are what i strongly relate to rite now "You young people think, perhaps, that older Christians manage better than you do [yes]. you imagine that their experience preserves them, but, indeed, they cannot keep their own souls alive any more than you can [really?]. you tried and tempted ones sometimes look with envy upon those who dwell at ease, as though their spirituality was self-supporting [absolutely...it seems that way!]. however, they cannot keep their own souls alive more than you can. you know your own difficulties, but you do not know those of others." and this bit i found particularly true, as i traipsed along the road of life in my walk with God: "When you are sitting in God's house of prayer, you may dream that you can keep yourself alive there, but it is not so. you might sin the foulest of sins in your heart while sitting there, and you might grieve the Holy Spirit and cloud your life for years while worshipping among the people of God. you are not able to keep your own soul alive in your happiest, holiest moments. from your knees you might rise to blaspheme, and from the communion table you might go to the seat of the scorner (psalm 1:1) if you were left to yourself." i found it reassuring in the sense that...hey, someone as well-thought of in the Christian world has gone felt this way too, so i'm not some kind of evil lone sinner or something. and of cos, it reminded me that i do not know the full story of everyone's life and that everyone has a tough time with problems too.... and i'm finding myself wishing i had a car again....i've always wanted to drive away and go somewhere quiet and think to cool off in times of stress. or at least take my car for a cruise on the north-south highway, with only the blasts off my stereo, the starry sky at night and my own thoughts to keep me company (and god as well, of course). and to drive and drive til i feel satisfied...and maybe stay at a motel somewhere along the way and have some time to think things through, away from all the people and problems back home (when i say home i don't necessarily mean my house or my family; i mean here in general). and then, to come back from that personal retreat and face the music when i feel ready.....i've always wanted to do that. oh well.....the closest i've got are coffee houses, my temporary solitude. but they can't drive or give me the feeling of being able to take control of the wheel and move the car where it wants to (i think that lends a fair bit of thought to the subconsious need to take control of one's life). but ah....the road we traverse on earth is meant to be rocky. at least if we're growing Christians anyway. |
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