|
|
|
read between the lines
weak in crisis indeed i'm back to hating myself again. it's hard to love yourself when you see yourself making the same mistake again, and watching not just yourself but others suffer the consequences of your mistakes.i got up saturday for worship practice angry that i was still as sick as a dog and not being able to recall when was the last time i ever had a sore throat last this long (usually a 1-2 day affair, this one was so bad it lasted a whole fricking 6 days and i still have leftover phlegm and dryness of throat even after that) that came with a choking cough i only ever recall being so bad that was back in 2004 when it lasted 3 weeks. the dull stomach ache was also present. speaking made my throat worse, so i went through practice like a mute kid whose strength is half-gone. got a little irritated when my fellow keyboardist kept asking me why i was so emo. halfway through i realised i should probably at least try to enjoy worship (after all, i still got to play even though i was sick probably 'cause i didn't tell anyone), although i didn't really get to. in fact after that the emo comment became a self-fulfilling prophecy. by the time worship ended i was insecure. i ended up doing what i've done all these years when i'm insecure -- i clung to the nearest person that gives me a sense of security. and i felt really bad for doing that, and it looked so obvious to others (plus the fact that i did the exact same thing last week) that it made it even worse, yet i couldn't seem to stop. i half-felt like leaving before i could cling but the other half eventually won because i couldn't bear the pain of doing the right thing -- which is to just walk away. i still don't get it -- shouldn't the right thing make you feel good because your consience is clear? yet i always suffer a pain that lingers for days whenever i do what's right. anyway later that night when i was still sick and choking away i came across this:
i mean i'd seen thessalonians before earlier that day (or was it the night before), but it wasn't the CEV version (it was the "give thanks in all circumstances" version, which is a tougher call). that gave me some hope, so it was what i started doing. i had a violent choke around one hour after i fell asleep and i went why are you doing this to me, God? in my half-asleep state but that was all. right after that i felt like my throat was less sore. day (or should i say pre-dawn) came and the less-sore feeling lingered. and my dull stomach ache was gone! i felt strength returning to my bones and did a little dance in front of the mirror. arrived at church early because my family had driven us there. i wanted them (well at least my parents) to come and see what i was doing, the type of life i was having here. the excitement built up as we rehearsed and culminated in a climax when service actually started. after that i was in my safe zone what with good company and good feeding of the Word...and it was a really nice surprise having the lead pastor pop by our table after lunch and engage my family and i in conversation (he's never said hi to me before). i also got to introduce my mother to my cell group and the youth pastor responsible for me ending up in this 'second home' church, and that was nice too...but after that things just started souring up. my brother started grumbling about being hungry so we had to leave (he didn't want to eat there but wanted mall food instead). after leaving church, we braved horns from typically inconsiderate s'porean male drivers in bigger cars than us to eventually find a parking spot at the nearby mall and are unbuckling our seats when my brother went all prodigal son on us and asked mom to hand him his passport because he wanted to go back. of course we were all expressing our disbelief, and he kept denying he even wanted the mall and when i argued he yelled "shut up" and i lost it and yelled at him to shut up too. it pisses me off how he still manages to push my buttons when i least expect it even though we're already past the kiddy age. anyway i felt guilty for that and when my driving mom lost her direction and started panicking while asking me for help i lost my temper with her too because i was already feeling condemned (if that makes any sense). i got home to sleep it off while my brother went off to meet whoever it is who was worth more than quality bonding time with the family...but when i woke up and reviewed the fact that a really good morning (and early afternoon) just passed me by, of course i cried. because it was over and the immediate future (dread of work) didn't look too exciting. it was almost like a rerun of the night i returned from church camp and post-camp vacationing. i couldn't find it in me to go to work the next day and face my giant (basically this really panicky, fretful, hyperventilative overseas boss (who comes from a country with a high suicide rates and insane pace of life, not that that's an excuse for her) who can't wait to harass me when i return) but i was forced to, eventually, yesterday. and boy was i in for it. i've no idea why i keep coming across these characters in my life so often -- the panicky, fretful, hyperventilative kind. and i always get pissed when i do, because i either become influenced by their behaviour or i feel extremely stressed trying to stem the tide and prevent myself from becoming like them. this time it was the latter. i was so broken down yesterday and today trying to deal with this woman that i bailed. the final straw was when my immediate boss refused to speak to her on my behalf to get her to lay off:
i mean, it's really really hard for me not to unload to someone when i'm going through what feels like a crisis. most times i just have to tell someone, which is not exactly beneficial given the fact that i am prone to clinging. (this version of proverbs 24:10 always comes to mind and it never makes me feel any better.) so yesterday i told the one i'd been clinging to as of late (more like blurted it out). i'd tried to restrain but when i saw him online i was like -- i can't take it anymore. i have to unload. and i unloaded a lot more than my problems. i like, went all creepy on him when i admitted that i have been clinging lately and it does make me feel bad but i can't stop (sorry, if you eventually ever read this). today i tried to seek support group help. i even tried calling dr scott up (yes, that was me though you never got to hear my voice). and someone eventually did pick up the phone, although she might not be able to help me along further than today due to family commitments. she did refer me to a support group, which i might join if the pyschiatrist thing isn't strong enough to help me break free. what am i breaking free from? i'll continue in the next post.
here i am (to worship) god is really full of surprises. later that same night of my last post (technically the night after, since it was midnight), i got an sms stating that i was up for worship two and three sundays from now (which is basically this coming sunday and the next). after that i knew the rest of my week was going to be just fine...it was the strength i needed to pull through. the joy of the lord is my strength.the bible passage that the song choices were based on was also very relevant -- isaiah 55 -- from the opening verses rhetorically asking me why i should waste my salary on what doesn't satisfy (read: comfort food, comfort taxis -- pun intended -- and comfort movies). it is with great pleasure that i can once again blog about the upcoming songs our band will be playing: Pre-service 1) Here I Am To Worship Main set 2) One Day 3) Happy Day 4) Amazed 5) I Stand In Awe 6) Made Me Glad 7) I Stand In Awe (chorus) Post-service 8) 'Til I See You 9) Heart of Worship finally i can start to feel like i am of some use on this earth again. or at least feel like i'm doing what i was really meant to do. the kind of feeling where you lose yourself totally in the music and you get self-awareness amnesia the moment you snap out of it. spiff used to blog about feeling that way too -- when he danced. (too bad we're not friends anymore. but i digress.) i mean, no one else but god has any idea what this opportunity means to me: to get to worship god the way i best know how, to be a part of this church's history by playing for this programme, to be able to play for main service again, to be able to play for thousands (previously hundreds), and the bonus of getting to play alongside significant people in my life...i couldn't help but feel grateful. there was a change in the 9th and 10th song but that's okay. i was listening to the original 10 songs at work and on tuesday the words from desperation band's amazed (the one song i wasn't familiar with) started to really jump out at me in the space between my eyes and ears:
the lyrics sounded odd at best. you just mentioned never being able to hear god singing and dancing, yet you suddenly get amazed by the inaudible god? after a while i realised that this exactly what most of us christians do, after all. the majority of us don't hear god audibly singing or visibly dancing around us, but his Word says we do and because we see the evidence of this god that we hope for (his blessings, mercy and grace), we are amazed that he loves us enough to show it.
i hadn't been pondering on how wide, deep and great god's love for me was for quite some time so this part obviously got me started. i guess sometimes the simplest lyrics speak the clearest. so even though i've been feeling like crap this week, what with physical ailments like a dull stomach ache and a worsening sore throat (not to mention the dread of work due to it not going as well as it used to be), i can still be reminded that god is "my very present help in time of need" (from made me glad). after all, he called all of us specifically to play in this specific set, during these specific dates even before such a youth-oriented sunday programme was ever created. and those he calls he equips, strengthens, justifies, sanctifies -- so i (and anyone else who's involved and sick) am going to recover, and i am going to be present for this event. p.s. after months of unsuccessful attempts, the practice room was miraculously free for me to use (the person who booked it didn't show up) the same tuesday and what else did i do but go through the song list eagerly...felt like i was getting special treatment from god.
the answer is wait i have no words that can describe how dejected and disappointed in myself i feel today. i am so pissed i bought a diary yesterday and ended up throwing it away because the whole noble attempt to rewrite and transcribe history (without the empty pages in between) backfired and made me feel worse (i ended up re-discovering the reason why someone stopped speaking to me last year, which i somehow managed to forget).i am so pissed i failed to wake up on time today and by the time i did, it was too late to go to work. i am so pissed that i felt like crap and so not like getting out of bed during my second attempt to get to work today. it was cold, raining and the prospect of a ton of work (my own and someone else's) awaiting me was a killer combination to my subconscious, half-asleep mind. coming back after a week's break was such an anti-climax. if this was a controlled setting, or a happy-ending movie, i would've come back from the break rejuvenated and refreshed, with a spring in my step and a greater resolve to be the best damn worker i could ever be, and this would thus play itself out and i would get promoted and everyone would be so proud of me. but unfortunately, this is the real life, in which i come back from work tired at being made to go early to work due to transportation problems, and not only do i have my own work to catch up on but i also have to cover for my colleague who went on a week-long holiday the day i went back to work. and no, i do not get promoted for my work, nor do my efforts get acknowledged (and i am not just talking about this week, i am talking about the entire two months i spent covering people at the end of last year and having my own work suffer as a result of it). as an added bonus, i now work amongst people i'd rather not see anymore because of unpleasant experiences with them. i feel so insecure and alone in my fight for personal freedom from being led along by feelings. i made an appointment to finally see a proper psychiatrist today, and found out i'd have to wait for a whole month till he was free. the same thing happened when i finally sent my 2-year-old roll of professional film for developing (as in i still had to wait, but the wait would last a week). waiting, waiting, waiting. waiting to get things done, waiting for me to get better, waiting for the world to change. i waited for an answer on my last day of my break in kl, waited till i fell asleep. when i woke up, i still didn't have an answer to my problems. all i've been doing is firefighting the immediate needs, while having the long-term needs build up in the background. that's what's been happening so far and i see now that i can't keep firefighting as long as the root problem isn't solved, if i really want this problem to go away once and for all. "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end."that's the verse a friend's just sent me. sigh. help me out god, i really hate waiting. future love song sometimes i can just close my eyes to the music and just imagine myself hurtling down some road...man, i still love driving (probably as long as it's a luxury, haha). kevin max's crashing gates and passing keepers is in my ears now...he sounds a bit like bono when he gets falsetto some parts:
i'm not sure of the second word in the third stanza but i love the lyrics anyway -- this would have to be my favourite song in this eponymous album. jesus is our future love song and i'm glad the day will finally come that i'll finally fully feel like the object of his affection. 4 random cues that make me feel good: 1) when a good friend smiles by accident 2) feeling the cuddly bear that is my dog against my skin 3) observing long dog in deep thought 4) the morning atmosphere outside at 7am
bad day, good night i got up today feeling like crap. i was physically unwell, yet i was still forced to come to work because of some stupid handover meeting whereby i go through what work i'll be delegating when i go on leave next week. my ass hurt from crapping so much, after my stomach stopped hurting. and that just magnified every little irk.my boss waited with me on the lift up, and she made me confess i had stayed at a friend's the night before, because i can't lie to save my life and my facial expression betrayed me when she grilled me on where i was last night (we were both late to work by the way). crap. and then i get to work, and after spending an hour and a half in the loo, i come out and get my drinks and walk towards my desk...only to see the ex-friend friend walking in the opposite direction, heading towards me (incidentally, he used to sit where i was sitting). since i'm still working out the ex-friend friend definition, i don't know what to do so i look up, down but finally up again to see his reaction as he gets nearer and nearer. he gave a reluctant smile that looked like a smirk. he then proceeded to chatter with the girl sitting opposite me to my right, while i took out my papers and started up my computer nervously. he was bouncing around all over the place out of the corner of my eye when i was conducting the handover session. it was like he was saying "i dare you to cling to me, i dare you, na na na na na..." it was like torture, dude; you really tortured me. still, i couldn't help but feel tickled that your mood really perked up after i established that you want no part in my life. (but again, i don't get what the definition of an ex-friend friend is so that's one big mystery that'll have to be unravelled with time.) i end up in the loo for another round after the handover session, so i try asking my boss online if i can take leave for the remaining half of the day and she gets all amnesiac and asks me to insert a reason in my online leave application. like duh, that's what i did the last time i applied for leave when i wasn't feeling well and didn't want to see the doctor because i just wanted to get home and sleep it off! i get back to my rented crib, find that one of my clothes has been hung for me even though i am positive i left it crumpled the entire week to remind myself that it should be washed and have maid deny doing anything and have the landlady say in a rather threatening way that "if the maid says she didn't touch it, nobody touched it, we don't touch your things." i'm irritated like anything but not dumb enough to argue about it. i shut the door and K.O. on my stomach (a sleeping position i only assume if (a) i feel insecure or (b) i need to block out the sunlight streaming through my window). only when i wake up does my ass finally stop hurting, but groan, another mandatory session is at stake -- the last-minute worship practice session i was only informed of yesterday that i could not wiggle my way out of even though i tried asking. so i take a cab all the way to wdl only to have the guard remind me that practice is at bpj because no one's here...so i cab again to bpj. more money wasted. i get another sympathetic dad-ish cabbie this time, similar to last week's when i was really depressed after being forced to turn back at customs because i forgot my fricking passport. he had the same observation ("you look tired") and the same farewell wish ("don't be sad"). and then i square my shoulders, get dinner and get to practising. god is merciful and he knows that music heals my soul and makes the body forget it's sick so i get into the music, into god maybe and out of sickness for the whole time i'm practising. after that my peak dips and then it's time to kill time while the next group practises. just before i leave, a fellow cell groupie indirectly chastises me for not wanting to go to his house tomorrow for cell group and a group run. like hello, i said i was taking the weekend to go back home (and anyway i don't want to mention i'm unwell unless i'm forced to!). it is only after i've settled down at home and watched a whole buncha ian is bored and smosh that i finally start to feel better -- physically and mentally. and both parts of me are doing just fine now though i should be sleeping. seriously, thank god for anthony padilla and ian hecox...i've been discovering and rediscovering their videos this past two weeks and it's been really helping me get through the nights (and subsequent days). you guys are so hilarious i keep repeating bits of your rap songs in the spare moments of my life (in the shower, in the loo, in the lift, in the taxi) and having a good laugh right after each repeat. and an indirect thanks to my real life bro whose computer and phone kept shouting "SHUT UP" whenever i walked past, back when both of us were still living with our parents.
|
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}