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read between the lines
march musings well...march has been mercifully abundant in avenues to cope with life's stressors. i thought post-julian, i'd be at a loss as to how to get on with life, on my own as it is in the real world. work's not getting any better (not since the work equilibrium changed last year) so the only thing to do right now is to figure out a way to keep afloat. and thank god for a buncha things that've been keeping me buoyant this month:1) MCR i mean, sure i've had 4 tracks from their black parade album, but the only times i've listened to my chemical romance at work (together with the rest of the selected-few-hit-songs-per-artiste i've amassed over the years in my 'shared' album), i've gotten ridiculed for listening to 'sell-outs' and 'teenage music' (which caused me to admit that it was from my brother's collection, as if it's a sin for 'older' people like me to love mcr). anyway, one bleak day on the job after hearing the wheel of words from 'disenchanted' turn over in my head (it was on a loop for quite a few rounds), i decided to grooveshark the rest of the black parade out of curiosity and found, to my surprise, that i warmed up immediately to all the songs (unlike some albums where they require repeated listening to kind of 'get into'). i guess seeing gerard way's flaming red hair currently on magazine covers also contributed to the sudden interest in the band's music. listening to the first track was already cathartic (if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me) and so was pumping up the volume in my earbuds as i worked. the rest of the tracks just set off a rich imagery in my mind of a better way of looking at death and dying (which has always terrified me) and abstract romances in the vein of julian as a vague protagonist (i've lost track of the number of times the word 'kiss' has been mentioned throughout the album). my favourite song (and current life anthem) has to be famous last words (i sing "i am not afraid to keep on living; i am not afraid to walk this world alone" with conviction), while mama has to be the most amusing (funny lyrics and creative insertion of a child's call for ma-ma into a rock song!). sleep is also another favourite of mine -- love the chords used for the chorus. and need i say that gerald's style of singing is...delish? (it's theatrical, not of the mainstream american twang and anyone who can scream-sing as well as they 'normal-sing' is a winner in my opinion.) this obviously improved my mood (and therefore ability to cope with work) and by the end of the week, the songs had been ingrained into my memory. early the next week while i was killing time after dinner, i found myself buying three cheers for sweet revenge at a bookstore-with-cd-shop-as-an-aside because they didn't have the black parade.i obviously favoured the cover art (of a blood-stained couple about to give what looks like their final kiss) and fell in love with 'helena' and 'the ghost of you', both of which were on a loop for the first few days (before i started moving on to the rest of the album). and with that, i was sold. [note: i'd go on to snap up the rest of the mcr albums, including the 2 'live'-performances-cum-video-diaries next month.] i'd never had much interest in gerard way before 'cos the only pictures i'd seen of him were ala the black parade (welcome to was also the only mtv i'd seen of them before this) era, and in my humble opinion, cropped hair, no matter what colour, doesn't go well on anyone. but with new interest in this band, a quick google seach revealed a baby-faced gerard who looks smashing in black mascara, whitened face and black hair (ala the revenge album), be it short or long. it kind of accentuated his bright hazel eyes, another interesting facial feature of his...hahah. i also delighted in the fairytale ending he ended up with when i read of the manner in which he proposed, and of his little family of his own. but enough with the gushing -- the main thing is that the music gave me some form of strength to hold on to. 2) lakewood services i first chanced upon a 'live' service of lakewood church's that was streamed online during work last december, and ever since then i've been occasionally 'attending' their wednesday services virtually (it's a thursday morning here at 9.30am), but for the whole of this month they've kind of been my lifesaver and somewhat of a necessary routine for coping (just to clarify, i actually do get my work done while listening to the service simultaneously). it's been my form of attending church when i've been unable to (haven't been waking up early enough to go for services at my local church) and it helps me regain the peak performance i usually experience on mondays (i know most mondays are the blue according to employees worldwide, but for me, it's wednesdays that get to me because they're when i've used up most of the energy and enthusiasm i've obtained over the weekend). today's sermon, for example, encouraged me with its takeaway message from lisa comes (whom i didn't know was main pastor joel osteen's sister until i did some searching up on her): "when you don't know what to do, just keep doing what you know to do." (in short, keep persevering with the same things you've been doing every day until whatever you're hoping for happens, or until you receive revelation to move in a new direction.) there was another sermon that brought up an interesting observation (it wasn't that encouraging to me, but it just caught my attention): nick nilson's "the bible keeps you and i from living facebook lives", which i had listened to on the 27th (it wasn't 'live', it was in the archives). by 'facebook' he meant self-centered, which is something i totally agree with and is a huge part of the reason why i decided to fall off the grid two years ago (best decision i've made yet): because i was sick of all the self-promotion going on and i didn't want to be a part of it any more. he showed an example of his son up on the projector slides on stage: of what he'd post on facebook (a beautiful, smiling toddler) and what he wouldn't dream of posting (a crying toddler who's about to puke). i guess what stood out to me was when he said it's a way of putting your best foot forward online -- i got the impression that he was implying that it's just good manners to present your best self online, as opposed to what i always thought was a display of pure yet inadvertent narcissism. 3) my younger self no, i did not get into bill and ted's time machine in my earlier years and arrive in 2011 to visit myself now, but i did take a look back at the past and read through my old diaries about how things were back then, something i haven't done for quite a long while actually (how long has it been, months? years?). and to my surprise, instead of the usual feeling of clarity i get where records of previous events have provided clues and even explanations for questions about my current point in life, i felt a totally different emotion instead: i felt strangely and fiercely protective of my younger self. in fact, not to seem egotistic, but i was rather shocked that i went through so much injustice and just beared with it quietly (at least in the public eye). i seem to have been taken advantage of, bullied into submission and scared into a shadow of who i am today. even though it has been a sharp but educational learning curve for me, i found myself wishing sadly that the current me could've stood up for the younger me in those times (it wasn't to say that i never had someone to reach out to in my time of need, but whoever god provided tended to be what i call 'seasonal' -- a really good friend who is there only for a short period of time -- which is a reality that i now live in and have come to accept as part of the norm). it just made me realise how far i've come -- to think that exactly one year ago it felt like i had shot myself in the foot with "all these things that i've done" (couldn't help but quote the killers =p) and i'd take years to walk again -- and gave me hope for how much further i have the potential to go, and how much sooner change (for the better) can happen. 4) a few good i wasn't really expecting to find company but i'm thankful they've appeared in my life, 'cos it obviously makes tough days more bearable. |
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