deconstructing jessica

read between the lines

we left the jamming studio still riding from a melodic high, the creation of which we were part of. the bus dropped us off in time for dinner at the local youth hangout, "a concrete treehouse of a building," as dorian would say. dinner was the usual -- cheap local food -- but dessert was fun as we sampled skintz' favourite slabs of home-made ice-cream before settling on the following flavours: rum, butter pecan, vanilla bean, coffee.

and then there we stood: the four of us in fading sunlight, observing the busy street, the tall skyscrapers, the screaming birds up in the trees, with rpattz cracking lame jokes again as usual. eventually skintz dragged us along to bowl where the bowling alley used to be, except that it wasn't there anymore.

so we exited the building and headed back to the treehouse for several rounds of taboo and pictionary in the youth lounge at the rooftop. it was really hilarious, especially to see the look on skintz's face everytime we guessed something so totally far from what she was trying to describe.

after that we went outside to the rooftop railings and rpattz tried blowing his keychain whistle to people on the street without being seen -- i laughed my ass off, watching the people below try to figure out the direction of the sound. after that it was just bumming around and catching up on each other's lives till we had to go our separate ways.

wanna know what's the killer?

none of the above really happened...

the way i described it.

the one big difference was that i did all these things alone. so it was really me berating myself for booking an entire jamming room to hear only my korg keys filling the room -- it kinda happened on impulse, because i stumbled across the studio during my lunch break today and i recalled how good it used to feel being able to make music with others. why is it that i always end up jamming with an invisible band nowadays when almost everyone i know is musically capable? (oh right, it's because they're not really my friends. i almost wish that statement was true so i wouldn't have to feel bad saying that.)

i was the one who ate the cheap local food only to blow my budget on slabs of rum and butter pecan (the rest of the flavours was sampled), standing at the sidewalk of an intersection, watching people, buildings, birds and shadows around me. i was the one who happily thought i was going to bowl only to find that the darned alley was no longer in existence and i couldn't find another in sight.

it was me who hit the rooftop (though the whistle thing really happened with my bro at his hostel room on another occasion, and it was really funny) and discovered that free lounge area with the plush cushions and board games but no darned people to play with (it's no fun playing charades when you know all the answers and you can't see yourself describing things).

after that i got sick of it all though and headed straight for the bookstore. found quite a few old gems there and almost bought them -- but held back when i remembered how loosely i've been spending my money in a failing effort to pacify my bored soul. after that i got back and here i am.

i had an epiphany yesterday about all this though -- i only feel this way when (a) someone points it out to me or (b) i'm comparing myself to somebody else. the more i thought about it, the more sense it made: whenever i'm not aware that i'm alone-without-friends-oh-my-gosh-ignorant-people-even-ask-me-why-i'm-out-alone-like-it's-a-sin-and-i-feel-like-dogshit-when-i-keep-hearing-or-seeing-your-fantastic-posse-of-friends-have-such-fun-times-together, those are the times i actually have a good time on my own and appreciate my uniquely-circumstanced life for what it is: a gift.

a few good tunes have also cheered me up this week (the first step to making it more acceptable for me to sleep):

-flagpole sitta by harvey danger

-the way by fastball

-the entire chet baker sings album, which i only heard today (prior to this, the only songs i knew were my funny valentine and time after time and they hooked me enough to finally spark curiosity)

and a rediscovery of old boyband songs and videos that have stood the test of time (i.e. i can still stomach re-listening to them now that i'm no longer in my early eager teenage years):

-all songs on ultra's eponymous album (the boyband with james hearn as the frontman, not the trance singer), most of which i finally found on youtube (i only ever bought the cassette for this back in the day and it sounded warbly after a few months of leaving it in the car due to heat exposure) and surprisingly still remember all the lyrics to, after all these years

fave song: blind to the groove because of the piano man and the piano, man!

-most songs by a1 (the boyband, not the school grade), especially the earlier tunes -- again, thanks to youtube although i wish they had it in my time as i've not seen some of the videos since i never had mtv on cable)

fave song: be the first to believe because of the augmented chords in the pre-chorus connectors, those funny dance moves and the evident camaraderie (read: having fun chillin' with friends) in the video

-keep on moving by 5ive (the boyband, not the children's show) because of the encouraging lyrics, although it's funny because i never paid attention to the lyrics back in the day probably because i wasn't really a 5ive fan (was more of a rich fan until he had that crew cut =p)

bb mak's back here and the moffatts' misery and bang bang boom remain perennial favourites though i can't say the same for the songs' videos.

however, it's worth noting that i can't stomach backstreet boys, gary barlow and westlife videos any more, even though i was a self-proclaimed nick carter fan in my early years. now, the music and videos just sound cheesy. the only exception would be backstreet's back because it's funny, haha!