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read between the lines
restless mind it's been four weeks since the insomnia's started again. and if i do sleep, it's exactly like that book i picked up (but didn't buy) in the bookstore last week said: i have performance anxiety even over not sleeping not well or not long enough. tonight is no different.
the only thing that gets me through each day at work -- like how the annoying pseudo-younger brother who sits behind me who drinks red bull to get him through each day -- is a sermon, mostly joel osteen's or joseph prince's. i tried listening to the two sermons i got from my church and...man, one of them was so boring (read: i've heard it all before so it comes across as dry) i felt no different than before i was listening. that's the thing: not sure if it's just me, but i've found the sermons this year (ever since our senior pastor went on sabbatical) to be dry, boring and somewhat irrelevant in terms of only skimming the surface and not going deep enough beyond the rehashed sayings a christian knows by heart after attending church for years. i seem to have lost that fire, that stirring in the heart in the main sermon nowadays -- i distinctly recall feeling it at times during some of the youth services though, and that keeps me going (aside from the sermons and other deliberate actions in trying to shake off this dissatisfaction stemming from ennui in the evening). it's been real interesting, learning to be independent for the first time in a long while, not having anyone as a crutch other than jesus -- it feels like finding you can actually swim without an aid of a floatation device when you actually thought you were going to drown if you were left alone long enough (can't say the same literally though -- i still can't float or swim to save my life). i sense jesus' leadings -- the little signs along the way, the new mercies that get me to work (because obviously the morning is the hardest part after having stayed up a good part of the night), traces of this (superhu)man i am trying to follow -- but ever so often, the old thoughts resurface and i have to, as melody beattie says, hear them out and then assess what i am going to do with those thoughts (to judge and act rationally instead of to not think and react irrationally). lotsa good things, or at least things i wanted to happen but didn't expect to happen so soon, have happened these past few sleepless weeks, but there have been a lotta filling-the-space-while-waiting-for-the-next-event times where the old thoughts come in and try to unseat me from my restedness in christ, to paraphrase a sermon of pastor prince's. this verse featured prominently in my bible-browsing this week and gives reason for hope:
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