deconstructing jessica

read between the lines

anyway, the surprising thing about this movie was that i could not put it down after the first viewing. i actually watched it again immediately after i finished it, and the next day, instead of returning the movie, i sat in the library and watched it again (then returned it). the day after (this thursday), i actually re-borrowed it and re-watched it in the library (class ended early and i had a few hours to kill until the earliest screening of cloud atlas at my local theatre).

what transfixed me was the amount of reassuring (and in no way lustful) physical touch in that movie. it evoked in me the memory of being able to live fearlessly and with confidence (to be the truest sense of myself), just from being hugged (and other similar gestures) more, like what i experienced during my short time in the States. i'd somehow forgotten the feeling, and to just watch it on screen somehow seemed to convey the same emotions and made me yearn for that truer version of me to come out again.

[note: spoilers ahead. it's now 2 weeks since i last wrote the above (having been interrupted with my parents waking up and me having to shut down the desktop in the hallway -- finally had the money to get a brand new laptop today), and i've read half of the novel so far, having given it a pass the first time (which was shortly after the last time i re-saw the movie), because its first few pages read like a typical chick lit story. i decided to pick up the novel again last thursday (as school ended for the week), and almost put it down again, save for the reviews about how well this book described English characteristics and how familiar the two main characters were.

i felt really uncomfortable reading the first two chapters (i was in a public place and for some reason i was extremely conscious of the fact that if i tilted the book too high up, people would see the cover depicting anne hathaway and jim sturgess about to kiss) and kept looking up every few sentences, as if people could read my thoughts (ooh, they'd snigger, a closet romantic). but today, after missing the dinnertime screening of my daily ritual that is cloud atlas due to transport woes, i ended up in a nearby cafe and read the book from chapter three all the way to just before the thirties segment arrived, which is remarkable given that i haven't ploughed through that much reading in one day in almost a year.

the book helped me understand things i didn't get in the movie, like why dex's mum looked so hot (because she's supposed to support the freudian notion of sons liking mothers), or how dex's father could tell that dex was drunk (because in the movie, the only obvious thing he did in front of his parents was drool while taking a long nap, whereas in the book, his dried sweat actually smelled of vodka).

the book also reminded me of exactly which point it was in the movie that i started to personally invest myself from then onwards -- when dex says:

"If I could give you just one gift, do you know what it would be? Confidence. That or a scented candle. -- One Day (movie version)

i'll probably harp on the book more when i'm done with it, but back to the movie, i think that line probably resonates with all female wallflowers -- it summed up what dex was trying to do throughout the movie (right up to his last moments with em before her death) and sort of made all the bad qualities in dex forgiveable.

the other scene that i remember vividly being affected by (strangely, i seemed to get more instead of less affected with each re-watch), was when dexter's dad advises dex to live as though em was still alive. that struck a chord with me, because i read it as "live as though snowy was still alive". although it's a side note in the sense that it made me think of my beloved dog, it was still relevant in that my main takeaway from this movie was missing the confidence that came from reassured through touch (even days before his death, i remember squatting, holding onto and stroking that white furry ball beneath my feet, feeling troubled about life but eventually having that feeling dissipate after a long moment of holding onto him like that).

and i like that the movie ended with how the first meeting (that started it all) played out, especially with the "whatever happens tomorrow, we have today" quote and the two characters bidding goodbye for the time being, but not farewell. it made the ending easier to accept than sweet november, which left me in emotional distress for days (i saw it as a teenager so that was probably a contributing factor as well :p). it also made me happy for the 'one day' moments of my life, points in time where i was in good company (not necessarily romantic) and in an elated mood.

the final thing that's noteworthy about this movie is the aftereffect it's had on me. the past few months have seen me either struggle to wake up like it's a drag (almost as bad a feeling as the one i used to have when i was stuck my last corporate job a few years back), or wake up in a state of distress (even up to two months ago, there are times when i awake feeling extremely disturbed by how unfamiliar the dark silhouettes of my room look because i still expect them to resemble the ones in my hotel room in the States).

whereas, in the two weeks since i last re-watched one day, i've been running low on sleep but waking up without feeling tired, waking up like i have something to live for again. i mean, i still feel troubled or sad at times (trivial things, or big ones like how to avoid re-entering the corporate rat race after graduating this april and yet survive financially), but i'm a lot more hopeful about the things that trouble me than i was before.

it's made me think a lot about the concept of tiredness -- how it's probably dependent on one's state of mind after all, kind of like what i happened to read in joel osteen's recent posting. the only other time i can recall (in recent memory) feeling this loved (is that the right word? reassured? confident? touched?) by a fictitious character was when i devoured the entire trilogy of the forbidden game two years ago when the book's re-issue came out (i hadn't read the series since i borrowed it from a friend as a teenager and hadn't expected the book's sentiments to withstand the test of time).

and it obviously says a lot about how well the acting in one day is. if the two protagonists didn't share any chemistry or corpsed during scenes, the movie would have bombed and i would have failed to suspend my disbelief (in how two completely opposite characters managed to remain in close contact through the years) for sure. it's probably my bias towards dex's character, but i particularly enjoyed watching the unpredictability of jim sturgess' performance (like how his eyes bugged out when he said "those who can, do" or the deleted scene in which he had the most natural-looking facial expressions when posing for em's camera in the grass).

and it sure beats one of those soppy love stories that leave me feeling unloved (forgetting the perks of being single and unfettered) as opposed to loved (experiencing the universal feeling our Heavenly Father created on a personal level), although i should point out that for the most part, romantic movies don't affect me unless (a) they're smart/thought-provoking, or (b) i watch way too many of them in a row, something i consciously avoid.

fast-forward to now, where i've just ended four weeks into school with two months left to go. the first two weeks of school threw me into a shitload of pressure -- to meet new project milestones involving more out-of-pocket expenses in an already money-stretched situation (my lecturer was unsympathetic -- he said those milestones could not be changed and had to be met in order to graduate), to figure out how i can possibly avoid returning to the corporate rat race i was stuck in (before two years of school came along as a great excuse to bide my time) and yet have the moolah to move out (now that my best friends, the canines, are dead, there is no more reason to stay).

anyway, long story short, i got really demotivated, project-wise, because my mother's taunts changed from you'll never make it to you're not good enough. and i guess she succeeded (until now, that is)...i had the misfortune of trying to get my macbook repaired the unofficial way (saw a number in the shopping complex near my school, phoned it and brought my mac over) because a month later, i finally wrestled my mac back only to find it even more internally damaged than before.

'uninspired' was the word that came to mind -- up until the end of last week (the third week), i still hadn't gotten my act together and was barely surviving in school (just doing the minimum requirements and letting future homework pile up). an old kindergarten friend who recently resumed contact with me started playing up my paranoia of the unknown future -- she said the longest she'd give herself was two years to get out of here (she'd temporarily returned from overseas and had a significant other there) because she was already _ years old and didn't want to be stuck in this nowheresville of a town here. (i think she forgot we're the same age, made me feel like my time was running out.)

emails went unanswered, internship applications went unwritten (they still are). i didn't feel sad, i just felt...like i couldn't face the future, and like if i somehow ceased to work, it would be as if time could freeze and wait for me somehow (which it didn't, obviously). i asked god for help while foolishly trying to will myself into action but it never happened. until one weekend, where i just randomly picked up my half-read cloud atlas on the shelf (my keyboard, actually, which was on the armchair -- both items which got neglected ever since i started to despair) and went to a nearby quiet, wallet-friendly diner to just enjoy two hours of reading.

those two hours ended up becoming my catalyst for change. after all those months of brain fog and distractions of the electronic (device) kind, my mind was surprisingly clear and focused when i immersed myself in that book (i kept visualizing characters from the movie, since it recently opened across the causeway -- it finally opened here on thursday, which means i can afford to watch it more often now). i'd somehow forgotten how much i enjoyed reading, probably because unlike electronic media, the 'high' gained from reading takes quite a while to kick in.

since then, i've been spending most dinners at the diner with my trusty novel, which has given me the unlikely ability to not only feel the thrill of escapism but to also use that thrill to inspire my life again (and therefore motivate me to do whatever work i have to do). i didn't feel this with movies or music -- they made me want to run away from real life even more, instead of spurring me to action.

i'm not totally out of the woods yet, because i still haven't done my work (mostly online stuff -- think it has to do with the thought of my annoying mother putting me down again once i start using the hallway computer), but i'm getting stronger by the minute. and at least i know what to do now if my mind starts getting hazy again.

(prior to that eureka moment, i'd acknowledged my own helplessness and told god if He was really supposed to be the only one that could change me, then He ought to do it instead of me and my futile efforts. thank god He finally came to my rescue.)

i originally wanted to write about a movie i'd recently seen that impacted me greatly, but i ended up filling in all this backstory that i think i'll just start on a new post.