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read between the lines
from flames, to freedom, to focus again "...Flame, flame burn brighterDon't go out (3X)... I want to stay on fire Flame, flame burn brighter Don't go out (3X)... Thinking my flame self-sustaining I've tried to survive on my own But now I quench myself to gain You I risk myself to find You...." -- Flame, Parousia i cud just sing every single word from this song n be talking about my life right now. it's jus so exact that it's mind-boggling. either it's jus me or maybe everyone goes thru this phase i'm going. i think the latter is the answer. but i have to admit, my drama teacher was right when he said you never get more poetic / creative than when you're down (as opposed to happy). i mean it's true. when i'm happy what exactly can i write about in my songs or poems? there's jus so much more to express when i'm in limbo. n the songs i play on the piano are never more moving when they're outpourings of pain. but it's not like i want to be miserable forever. i know there's something more to this. and anyway i don't wanna waste what little i have of my life doing nothing but mope. i think this is the devil's tactic: strike people down so they're either too confused or too miserable to do any work for God (n eventually cease to function in the spiritual battlefield). n the more i am reminded of this, the more determined i am to not let that happen. I keep playing this and Satisfied on repeat again and again. it keeps getting stuck in my head (i mean flame). n thanks to my fren, who sang Satisfied last year when we jammed for our temporary band's practice, satisfied's tune is easier to catch. i dunno if that's a good thing or not, since i find Satisfied such a sad song. so is Wounded Hands. my fren is thinking of getting us old band members back together again. n he's thinking of using third place to jam and perform. n lloyd (the lead "hollerer" of the band) confirmed with us that parousia is playing there every last sunday of the month. that cud be fun.....i'd like to see them perform again, together with the other rock acts lined up along their time slot. n mebbe i can get more tips for the future....heh. btw i was looking thru the explanation behind the name third place, n i was surprised to discover that they used that ray oldenburg guy's concept. cos hey, i jus did that guy's concept in my feature story on coffee houses recently. it came up frequently in my research for coffee houses, esp in american articles. pretty interesting. n i totally agree with the guy that there needs to be a "third place", apart from the places of home n work, to sit down n relax. i think it wud kick ass if dc talk or switchfoot did a camp-cum-nightly-concert here, the way planet shakers did. i'd definitely choose them over ps, for sure. too bad they ain't coming. n the closest switchfoot can get is australia, where they've played at some churches. but still, it's not like i can sit tiger airways n budget my way there...cos even if i did have the dough, my parents wud kill me. speaking of parents, they didn't kill me today for coming home so late. but it's bittersweet....cos the reason why is that mom's down with a terrible migraine attack. it was so bad she had to see the doc. i dunno what's with her, but she's always been prone to migraines....usually she'll jus shrug it off by sleeping or staying away from loud noises, but i guess this one must've been really bad for her to go to the doc. cos if anyone knows my family, they'd know that my family is NOT doctor-friendly. which can be really frustrating, if ur really really sick or unwell, n they don't wanna take u to the doc. that's the reason why one of my dogs still has his left ear blown up because of some pus-infected thingy which my parents jus dun wanna tend to. in fact, i seriously believe that my old dog cud've been saved if we had sent her to the doc's instead of jus letting her heal on her own, which she never did. speaking of dogs n ailments, my dad ran over my dog's tail tonite. i was like, *toot*, (muttering it under my breath spontaneously), cos i really don't want my dog's tail crippled or sth. n also cos i feel it's indirectly my fault, cos i shud've jus taken the taxi home or come home earlier or sth. he's the same one with the infected left ear. my dad says he checked the dog n "everything seems to be okay". yeah right. u jus ran over the dog's tail and everything's all right? there cud be internal injuries or sth! i relly dunno bout that....i've gotta leave it all to god on that one. cos i've read stories in the paper n seen the news of ppl who have died becos of unseen "internal injuries" pretty suddenly. n it freaks me out jus thinking.....shudder. i jus dun wanna think of what wud happen if even one of my dogs wasn't here. i love them all to bits n i really really don't think i can take it right now. i've been there before, n it was so very hard to leave the pain n move on. cos my dogs....are really close to me. they're like, my best friends. for so many reasons that some humans jus can't match up to. cos there's this lady i read bout in a back issue of the straits times who died all because a bus ran over her foot. n she's a christian too, together with her husband who watched her die. it seems they were getting off the bus, n somehow the bus driver ran over her foot without knowing. (that part i can never really fathom, cos i mean, if ur getting off the bus ur feet shud be pointing away from the bus, rite?). the paper says the indian guy is relly "remorseful" and "sorry" for his act n has been driving with a clean record for the past 4 (now 5) years. n the thing is, the old lady thot it was nothing, so they went home n the only thing that was done was the husband massaging her foot. the next thing he knows, she's in the hospital n gangrene's settting in on her foot. a few operations to save her foot. n then, a stroke, which (the paper says) he believes was caused by the injury. n she never made it past the stroke. just like that. boy do i really hope my dog doesn't go thru sth even remotely similar to that. boy do i wish i had a car, or at least permission to drive. i wud so take my dog to the vet's now if i cud. not to mention, the next time i get relly sick i cud drive myself there too. n i cud put the car to pretty good use for zooming away from this life and all this stress n jus cruising down the highway like i've always wanted to. i wait for the day where i can blast some really loud music n jus zoom down the highway, with the beautiful night sky n god for comfort. n there's something about taking control of the wheels that just feels so...empowering. i feel like my life is in control...or sth like that. n as i eat up the miles, it's almost like i'm leaving my problems further n further behind. but then again, it all comes back to basics: am i really the one in control of my life? am i self-centered or christ-centered? i'd like to be the latter...but sometimes i get a bit distracted from the goal. which reminds me, i'm supposed to have started on the 40 days of purpose campaign thingy yesterday, together with my yf. but nobody even reminded me or anything. but then again.....it's to be expected. n well....i guess nobody's perfect. admittedly i see the need for a lot of things to change in yf.....but then again who am i to complain of god's plan? besides, He's been working a wave of revival in our yf already. a small wave, but hey it carries potential. n who am i to judge what i cannot see.....who noes who else might have had a deeper impact from the wave than can be noticed? but the main point i wanted to say was, the first day was about: well, well, well. "christ-centeredness". n i didn't even noe i was being preached to about yesterday's topic without even reading it. i forgot to buy the book at a discounted price in my yf so i had to go fish for it in borders. too bad i can't read an unbought book at the coffee bean outlet jus outside, or it wud be easier to do quiet time. i can't keep going to borders everytime i wanna read my devotion. even city square is some distance away from home. |
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