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read between the lines
going back in focus i worried so much tonite that i had a stomach ache. i jus had a cuppa milo to clear it off....n some time to realign my focus.why on earth does He create ungrateful, unsettled ppl like me? n how does he love a person who cannot handle pressure under fire? i have to keep reminding myself that the Refiner is tending the fire, so even as i am tested i won't get badly burnt.my earlier posts look like products of anger n unsettledness.....and a clear sign that i lost my focus once more...my focus on god. he was not at the epicenter of my life today, which was why i developed an external locus of control today (it's jus some psychology term i learnt meaning that i let the circumstances around me control how react). earlier on i dragged myself back n did not rest until i reached the bed n slept. had some dinner, then jus slept. felt very very tired n weary...n somewhat half-awake on the trip back home. i fell asleep on the mrt, thank god i didn't miss my stop. usually i hate sleeping, cos i have a tendency to feel sluggish n like, relly unwilling to get up, but today i had no choice. i was tired mentally n physically. n this is the 2nd time since last wk where i've attributed "perfect peace" (Isaiah 26:3) to physical sleep. cos last wk there was point in time where i was having my usual quiet time after dinner, or trying to, but failing....cos the cafe i was at started playing loud music that day (different working shift -> different bunch -> different music), instead of their simple soft tunes......so i walked over to the SIM library n got one of those empty corner cubicles to pray....n i remember feeling really unsettled, almost to the point of cracking....n i prayed for "perfect peace" according to that passage....n i didn't even see this coming, but all i noe is i fell asleep. n i got up on my own bout 20 mins later feeling better n more refreshed. n i'm not even the type who allows myself to sleep (outside of sleeping time)! today i had trouble getting up, once again....my mom was like forcing me to get up n bathe at 11.40pm....so i got up. tried not to bathe so long like i usually do, then prayed....but it was a prayer of worry, cos i felt relly unsettled. n then i realised why....cos i wasn't trusting god enuff to let my prayer items go. i was still holding on to them n i was still worrying over them....n i was reminded once again that to worry means to lack confidence in god, lack trust in him that He'll get the job done. n i was reminded once again that no, the world was not created by me, and no, i'm not in charge of the things on this earth, God is, and i don't have to feel like i have to do something to make it right because that's God's job. all i have to do is say the word (pray) n be in agreement with His will....n let Him do the working, cos it's not in my position or power to do these things. turn your eyes upon jesus look full in his wonderful face and the things on earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace. it's funny that i only learnt or was able to remember the song thru a newsboys remix of this old hymn. but it's worked well for me to remember cos it'll jus be one of the things popping into my head under times of unsettledness. heh, mebbe there shud be more CCM bands singing remixes of old hymns, then it can help me remember them. hahah.... i also found sth interesting in my mailbox a few days back which a fren sent....it was actually a list of points containing repeated words like "have you ever?" and "that's god" but i dun relly feel the rest r applicable to be posted in here now. the one point that made me point to me n say, hey, i know this one! was: Have you ever been down and out and nobody seems to be around for you to talk to?
THAT'S GOD wanting you to talk to Him. i had to learn that the hard way. but then again, nothing great's ever achieved if one takes the easy way out. which is why i keep on saying that i wanna escape from this place. sometimes i feel like i want to flee my body, flee this earth, flee the troubles and problems and worries that overcome me. i don't wanna be around 'when the strong wind blows' n the 'sea billows roll', i don't wanna be around to see the 'waves and thunder come crashing down on me'...but i have to stand my ground n be resilient. n besides, i shud stick around anyway, so i can see the 'sunshine after the rain'. ok, i jus wrote two sentences containing parts of lyrics lifted off from various songs...they jus came into my head n seemed to click together...hahah. n i feel like putting one of the songs up here now...it's one of my old favorites.
WALK ON WATER by Audio Adrenaline Simon Peter, won't you put those nets down, Follow me, I'll lead you out of this town to a place where no boat has ever been I will make you a fisher of men. Jesus walked out on the water,
If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk on water.
Tread on the sea and walk on the water Step where he steps and go where he goes Side by side when the sea billows roll. I'll be alright when the wind comes I'll be alright when the waves come crashing I'm not afraid for this is my father's world. If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk on water. If I keep my eyes on Him, I can walk on water. |
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