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read between the lines
dazed and delusional i don't wanna go back. there's nothing to do here but still i don't wanna go back. i don't ever wanna go back. i wanna run.....run.......run...away from home, life, school, people, whatever. i wanna hide in some nowhere place under the canopy of thin-leafed trees and bright sunlight, where nobody can find me. n where i'll only come out of my shell after everything has passed me by.some kind of bubbling brook, some kind of stream. some kind of simple life to live as if in a dream. somewhere to take shelter under, somewhere to hide, unknown. somewhere to take cover, in the midst of nature, alone. yawn. zap! n i'm back to reality. sigh. i'm so light headed and half-awake now i feel half-drunk. my test has ended, n i've gotten my 2 group projects handed in, so there's nothing to do here now....but i don't wanna go back. i jus feel like...staying, delaying, trying not to go home so soon. i wish i could hide somewhere where no one can find me. i'm so sick of the stresses of life. i was 15 mins late for my financial planning test today (yes, media students have to learn boring businessy, math-ish stuff too). all becos of the stupid jam on the causeway again. sometimes i dunno why i get up so early anyway if i noe i'm gonna end up taking a taxi. i hate travelling to n fro from here. getting stuck in the jam for one hour plus sucks. taking the same boring old bus journey home sucks. getting scolded and naggggggged at by my mom for wasting money on the taxi fare sucks. and encountering bastardious taxi drivers like today definitely suck. this stupid uncle, from citycab, made me so mad today. picture this: it's 9.45am, ur waiting at the kranji mrt taxi stand for a phantom taxi, n ur test starts in 15 frickin' minutes' time. n suddenly this taxi comes. thank god, you think. and then suddenly this ass from nowhere barges in n hops into the taxi. you'd think that even in a strict place like singapore the uncle wud at least have the guts to chase the man out, especially when u open the door n tell the uncle that that idiot just cut the queue n u have a test in (now) 10mins n u simply must rush to school. but nooooo, no, this uncle has to be so......urgh!.....i dun wanna say anything, lest more verbal rubbish come spews out of my head......but, the uncle jus said "i'd like to help u, but i can't." what the? you think. what do u mean u can't? heck, ur the adult here! it's more like u WON'T, not u CAN'T. n then he jus drove off like that. i was so incensed n outraged that i called up citycab, his taxi company, to complain. n also to book another taxi, of course. the taxi i booked was the ONLY taxi that came. n i got charged 3 bucks extra for booking n i arrived 15 mins late (but thank god i was still allowed to take the test), n my mom's gonna kill me when she finds out. crap. i have no mood to lie to her these days...i jus tell her the truth. cos if i dont my conscience will kill me. n i wasn't pleased with yesterday nite too. my family forced me to eat out with them even though i didn't want to. i didn't want to because i recalled last wk's episode of fighting over nothing...n besides, i was starting to fall asleep from waiting for dinner which never came. i dunno what's with them. why force me to have dinner with them if we all know we're gonna end up fighting anyway? there's no such thing as a decent meal with us. my dad will be sure to say something sarcastic or something relly unfair that makes me see red, n then we'll all fight with words. it's so hard to give in. it's so hard to submit, for one of us to say, okay, let's jus stop this, regardless of who's in the wrong. it's just...so...hard...to forgive the people whom you're supposed to love the most. i don't wanna talk about it. it's too stressful. i half-wish rite now i had gone to kl or australia like the rest of my frens, which wud have left my parents no choice but to let me go...let me stay on my own....leave me alone...give me peace. seriously, yesterday, when my parents were being unreasonable (haha...now it's them, not me), i was thinking to myself this familiar old thought that had i been staying on my own now, i could have avoided so much trouble and heartache and shouting n stress n anger mixed with pain. i would have been able to truly say that home was a place to relax, n not outside. i've always said it's ironic that for me, it's outside of home n not home, where i find myself most at peace, most able to relax. it's like i don't belong, which i don't. n my parents weren't the only ones driving me to my grave. two words: "group" project. i relly relly hate it how almost everytime I end up with the bulk of the work. it's as if i'm the rubbish bin or garbage dump, n ppl dump their work to me. i was asking yesterday as i rushed along, looking for papers here n there in my room, why me, god? why me? why is it (almost) always me? do i look like a rubbish bin to you? does my hair resemble bits of trash? i dunno why is it that i seem to be the only one caring about how many marks i'll get for some of these "group" projects. n so, to save my ass, i do the work. this is outright blackmail! on top of that, my parents got back late, n i hadn't even started studying for my test yet! i mus admit i had a mini-breakdown yesterday....n then i started unloading all my luggage to god. it took me a few mins to steady myself n get back to work, but i did...with some coaxing of switchfoot's "learning to breathe" cd. man oh man oh man oh man.....either i need some anger management classes or i haven't done quiet time yet, which i haven't. ok, i relly need to force myself to go home...i noe i have to anyway. n i feel this cloud of tiredness / sleepiness hanging over my head anyway...but i think i'd better make myself do quiet time n sit down n pray properly, or i'll be relly unsettled all the way home. i jus wanna sleep n never wake up. or wake up in someplace else. thank god i've got no classes at least..............but there's so...much...work...to do. |
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