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read between the lines
jus another day (pun intended) a lady tried to stuff a bag up my ass on the bus back across the causeway again. a car nearly reversed into the car me and my fren were in. and somebody i noe relly pissed me off today jus by not telling me something. of all the three, i was pretty annoyed at the last one. for the first two, at least (1) i managed to be quick enuff this time to use my hand to push her bag away, unlike other times where i have jus felt so molested, and (2) ok so we didn't die, n the 'blind' guy finally turned his head around n saw us at the last second (n well i'm not the one driving, so i wasn't as stressed). but no. 3 was....it kinda hung at the back of my mind for quite some time.i tried to forget it...but when it surfaced it relly made me angry. n that's the problem with me i guess. i'm always expecting ppl to treat me as well as i treat them. n i always feel so...betrayed...everytime they don't. i mean i don't ask for gifts or anything...i jus feel they shud at least like, treat me like a friend, not like someone they don't even noe. or sometimes i get relly frustrated when ppl ask me to do favors for them n i willingly (stupidly?) say yes, but they don't do the same when i relly relly need one. but yeah i noe...jesus loved his disciples even though they all "ran away" when he got arrested. i got so mad at one point during my bath tonite that i let loose the f word in anger quite a few times (it had been ringing in my mind without control again) at which point i realised i am so gonna get god's punishment big time if i continue. i was trying to stop myself from swearing...but it was a tug back n forth between swearing n going back to god. n then i jus stopped n paused...n out of the blue i jus recited the lord's prayer. i said that over n over again....n it worked. i shudda done that a long time ago. i've found that to be a very powerful prayer in times of need...in fact that was the ONLY thing that worked to get rid of nightmares. when i was younger i used to say that over n over again while in my dream until i woke up. n i found it pretty amazing that i cud recite the lord's prayer while i was still in my sleep...it's been rooted that much into me that it's in my subconscious. but lately i kinda forgot about it...n only during these past few wks have i been remembering to pray it again. yesterday's engage booklet topic bout us growing as trees...yeah, i found that so easy to see the parellels. especially the part where it says spiritual trees (that's us christians) stand straight for god...immediately i thot of the opposite, which was crooked, yeah, that's so fitting for a tree and a person's character. n the part where it says us trees grow, yeah that's so true. we grow in wisdom n faith. n today's apologetics training seminar thing was pretty good...i mean initially it didn't relly get to me that much, i dunno why, mebbe cos it didn't relly apply to me, but towards the end esp the last hour when he was answering the crucial question of why god allows suffering to happen....that got me sitting up n interested...n i was not the only one who suddenly started paying more attention. cos my fren asked that very question a few months back. i answered her in my own way, from the wisdom god imparted to me thru his spirit...but what i learnt will allow me to add somebody else's perspective...coming from someone who's more pro in apologetics. n what he said, plus yesterday's conversation with my fren after life meeting (i was commenting on how rare it was to find guys, let alone ppl, like him who actually read chim christian books) inspired me to take a much-needed look at the row of christian books in city square. as i looked, i realised sth: i had been sorta wasting my talent in this area. i mean, i am blessed enuff to be able to understand chim english (most of my frens don't) n thru the months or years i have jus...stopped reading chim books even though i understand them. i had been so lazy that i wanted to take the easy way out n read books with simpler english to digest...which is good for all i guess, but the fact is i had not been putting my "talent" of being able to understand chim english to much use. n i agree that over time my english has deteriorated somewhat. a bit la. i mean i still noe some chim words to put in pr statements n feature writing essays, but i kinda forgot half the words i picked up. n i mean it's so bad that sometimes i can't even understand what the niv bible is saying...have to resort to my good old good news bible to understand. i mean, heck, it's not even kjv n i'm stumped! n i realised that i relly have to put a stop to this n at least discipline myself to read one chim book this year or else my talents r jus gonna go to waste totally n i won't be able to answer the flowery-language questions about god that my frens pose to me. i mean so far i've coped by replying them in layman's terms, cos i noe what they're saying but i jus feel too lazy to reply back in their chim lingo...but i'm starting to realise that ppl like that cud be more challenged intellectually if i replied them with equally chim terms. i mean, mebbe i cud spark a longer debate if i spoke jus as "chim"ly as them. another thing i realised as i was browsing thru the books, or hanging around city square, walking ard (btw russell lee was signing books today there....but sadly i no longer have interest in "true s'pore ghost stories" to wanna get his autograph or ask him the questions i wanted to ask him last time, which was way back in std. 6) was that....i've grown so much in wisdom during my time of sufferings than i have during those happy, rose-tinted times. i mean, sure, i knew that already but today it hit me harder. cos i started to recall certain times in my life when i was happy in the sense that i was satisfied with my environment, but didn't relly feel fulfilled in the sense that i knew my spiritual life was stagnating. n during those times i used to pray for wisdom n pray that i wud know more of god, but in my sufferings, esp this one i'm sitting thru, i don't even need to ask cos i hear His wisdom imparted to me every single day that i suffer. n with His wisdom came the knowledge of Him, the type of person He is. n then i started to think, if i'm so rich in (godly) knowledge n wisdom in suffering, then why dun i stay suffering? why wait for the happy times where my spiritual life's gonna take a standstill? but then i thot again n realised this...it is possible to suffer in happy times if i persevere in doing god's will, specifically in sharing the gospel. but that is the kinda suffering i wudn't feel bad about, cos then i wud relly be suffering for christ n not over some bad issue in life. n in doing so, i wud be able to grow in god, if one agrees that suffering brings (godly) wisdom. n besides, i need a break anyway. the absence of happy times wud kill me. i'd prolly die of heartache or anxiety attacks or spontaneous combustionm, which i find pretty spooky. speaking of spooky, i was reading this new book about codebreaking in the bookstore today n in the first chapter when they mentioned the history of codebreaking, i was horrified to read of mary, queen of scots' beheading. she was betrayed becos the cryptologist expert of that time managed to break the code she wrote her letters in (she conspired with some of her loyal catholic followers to assassinate queen elizabeth the protestant in order to win the throne of england). the last bit where her beheading was mentioned was done very well by the book's writer, simon singh. he simply extracted a block quote from a person of that day who recorded the events down n let u read for yourself how gruesome it was. n it relly terrified me (made me think of the clip i saw on the net of the korean guy being beheaded...eeeeesssh). the quote mentioned that she was very composed n dignified before she died, uttering her family motto of "in my beginning is my end" to her loyal catholic followers 3 times before spreading her arms n legs apart n lying on the chopping block. n the person who wrote this recorded that she didn't even stir when one of the executioners, who earlier asked her for forgiveness n whom she pardoned, held her hand down n did the dirty deed. the person also records that the ax swung twice, after which she made some kinda noise with the neck still loosely attached (this was exactly what happened in the clip when the korean guy got beheaded! it was agonising to watch n i wished i had never been so curious to see it) before the final blow cut her head off. n it's even recorded that her lips started moving up and down after the head was separated from the body for about a quarter of an hr....n the saddest part at the end was when her dog, which was "hiding underneath her garters" and was pulled out by force cos it didn't wanna come out, sat between the disconnected head and shoulders n refused to leave its mistress. that relly got to me, cos the dog didn't noe anything about why she had to die. but i'm glad the writer didn't portray her as a bad person, cos i dun relly think she was. |
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