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read between the lines
no life today...literally there's no life today...literally. hahaha...y'noe, it's so funny. i went for the prayer gathering thingy on wednesday, i went for dg yesterday, n no one told me...that life meeting is cancelled today. it took me 4 phonecalls and 5 empty classrooms to find out life is gone. hahaha. wry laugh.i've been so busy lately that i think tonite's the first time since school started that i'm actually free. and suddenly i dunno what to do. i mean, i look at my life and i think, ok, too much homework and assignments stresses me out and gives me red eyes...i've been having red eyes this whole week, due to lack of sleep and too many shitty assignments. parents, parents, why can't you let me stay here? why do i have to travel for like 2 fricking hours or more everyday and have no place to surf free internet at and do my research work other than the stupid school library which shuts down its pc's at 8.15pm? and the other thing when i look at my life n think is, when i'm suddenly free and empty today....i feel so shitty too. i mean, usually if i purposely plan to be alone, i'm fine...like sometimes i'd rather watch a movie alone or go to the bookstore alone cos no one spends as much time as i do living there, or if i wanna set aside time to pray over coffee or sth....but if i totally didn't plan it, n (here's the stinger) if i expected to be with ppl cos they set appointments with me, n they don't show up, or life gets cancelled....then i'm not so fine. did some soul-searching. went to opac n typed "jesus"....led me to a small section of books about him on the same floor...too tired to climb up the other stupid levels jus to get more books n then climb down. looked thru this book by this black baptist guy (no offence on the use of the word black)...n i was flipping thru...n i came across the armour of god part. it was all elaborated. ok...that jumpstarted me for awhile. then i borrowed newsboys n blasted the cd in the empty music room in the library. pulled out my bible for what that black guy calls an "offensive" weapon against the devil...n this is what i found initially, what the pages flipped to. pretty depressing to read...made me feel worse. ECCLESIASTES 4:8 -- There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless -- a miserable business! SONG OF SONGS 3: 1 -- All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. weird...and these are the two books in the bible that i have tried not to chance upon reading for quite some time....cos when i read ecclesiastes when i was young, i found it terribly depressive n degrading. the first time i read it i thot i was funny when solomon says "life is meaningless, it is like chasing the wind" over and over again. but when i was feeling low it wasn't so funny anymore. and when i read song of songs when i was young, i thot it was a terribly erotic novel full of sexual body parts mentioned... yeah, yeah, now i'm older i noe solomon was trying to prove a point that life in the world aka. life without jesus is meaningless, n song of songs is supposed to mirror the marriage of the church with christ, but sometimes i don't really get it. and then i stopped n decided to blog here, but not before shaking my head and thinking, man oh man, sometimes i seem like such a hypocritical christian. i can dispense to ppl advice of hope and words of encouragement from the gospel, but when it comes to my own self sometimes it doesn't seem to work. as in i fail to cheer myself up. but then again why am i using my own strength to accomplish a task only the Lord can do? anyway gotta go. an outing has beckoned...called at the last minute. i jus thot it wud be best that i get this outta my system n at least try to draw strength from god first before going to my fren...or else i'll never learn to depend on Him. verdict: my thoughts are clearer. i don't feel so shitty now. and "All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves;"....and i think i found him...at least a bit of him already. n hey i'm talking about jesus christ, my blood-stained saviour and brother. n those who noe me well how much i hate blood and death and crucifiction. but that's the only way i can feel his love, to go back to that super painful sight and stand there and watch my brother go thru all that hell, go into hell, n come back for me. i can't believe anyone would even go thru all that for me, wud even give a shit about me. n this is one love i can never forget or put aside. |
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