Recording my journey of trying to make it through life and find God, joy, purpose and meaning along the way...basically in search of eternal life here on earth.

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Sunday, December 19, 2004

it's a vicious cycle

it's a vicious cycle. everybody's worrying about somebody. except those who find peace in christ. sigh. the bible says He promises perfect peace....i seem to lose it at times. let's see. i'm worried about someone, someone else is worried about me, n yet another someone is worried about someone else too. worries worries worries. "can any of you live a bit longer by worrying?" birds n sparrows...how He knows how to clothe them n the grass, so how He shud noe even more to provide for me....i noe...but sometimes i can't feel it.

i've been so busy this week. i feel like running into the arms of God n staying under His wings while the world goes by without me. i feel like going MIA n coming back later when every problem has passed me by. i feel jus like the psalmist when he said he felt like running to some place where there's peace n god or sth like that in Psalm whatever (i can't seem to find it rite now) when i read earlier tonite.

always wanting to run, wanting the easy way out, wanting a way of escape. can't take it handling it alone. used to be able to cope with god n god alone. but now i'm helpless. defenceless. pathetic in a way. i realise thru this experience that i actually need to hear words of encouragement to feel encouraged. sheesh. i hate my guts. i can't seem to stand alone these days...alone with god i mean.

maybe i shud go to some deserted island n live like a hermit for 5 yrs or sth n then come back. oh yeah, n throw away my phone. n discard my emails n the internet n any way of contacting ppl. then mebbe i'll learn to depend on god more, or depend on Him n Him alone.