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read between the lines
it's tough sometimes i place way too much expectations on ppl. and i get relly frustrated when they don't meet my expectations. it's relly too bad...but it's all my fault. all my wrong thinking. i thought these ppl were my friends, my mind thinks. i thought they'd at least read my mind and do what i thought friends do. but i often find it hard to believe that everyone's not perfect, and that no, ppl can't read my mind, no matter how close they're supposed to be. and i find it hard to not "judge" them, in a way, and place so much expectations on them to do things.guess that's the story of life. and it's not like i can blame them cos basically it's my fault for expecting them to meet my expectations. it's not like i can scold them or tell them or ask them why they can't even do something so simple for me. it really pisses me off but sometimes i feel like my closest friends treat me like distant friends and my distant friends treat me like close friends. God really has a funny sense of humour sometimes. i'll be off for a camp that's supposed to lift my spirits from tues-sat next week. i'm hoping to use it as a time to sort things out and get my priorities rite, as in put God first and put my problems and my complaints and my worries last. it's true sometimes i live like i'm an orphan. i live like i don't have a Father who loves me so much He sent His son to die for me. but it's tough, i admit. sometimes i just can't feel the love. and i block out the painful memories of the cross because it is just so gory and excruciating to think of at times...and i think this is part of why i can't really feel it sometimes. i'm thinking to myself, jess, you've got a direct connection to the One who is in control of life and what happens to you, so why are you mulling about your worries and your pathetic problems and troubles? like i said, i know what i must do, i know what needs to be done, yadda yadda yadda...but walking the talk and just doing it is so hard to do. i really don't noe about the camp. i want to take the opportunity to use the time i'm given to set myself right with God and put away my problems once and for all but i don't know if i'm actually gonna do it or not. there it is. the action thing again. oh well. this is life. never perfect, always challenging. |
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