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read between the lines
a meaningful christmas but i'll tell ya....this christmas was more real to me than it's ever been for years. this time i actually thot about his death n not jus his birth. i've been blocking out the gory sights of the cross for too long. it's painful, i'll admit, to think my savior died for me, but that's the only way i can feel the extent of his love for me. n the depression i went thru...helped me understand n appreciate n be aware of the true meaning of christmas more this year.i mean, i'm so used to thinking of a helpless baby in a manger, all those innocent, happy things....which they are, of course, but the danger involved....i didn't relly think of that. the genocide of baby boys at jesus' time, the risk his parents n the magi n the shepherds took....the fact that that "helpless baby boy" was actually the Christ who willingly shed his precious blood n literally went thru hell for me.....that relly rung out in my ears this christmas. n i got a few nice surprises too this christmas, which i've never gotten before. i got to see a friend of mine whom i have not seen for four years this christmas eve when i was whisked away to kl...it wasn't even planned...but somehow we managed to meet this time after previous failed attempts. n i was encouraged in the faith by that friend too, so thanks if ur reading this.... on top of that, i got more cards this year from friends than i've ever had at any other christmas....and this is the only year that i never sent a single card to anyone! n it's also amazing cos they're not exactly close frens....mebbe the lesson here to learn is....don't send cards n u'll get more in return, eh? haha...cos all those other years, i've been sending cards to a few ppl....n i used to get less in return than the number i sent out. not that i was complaining, but i did feel...a bit disappointed? n this year, i was so busy [it's the first time i've had christmas week in school =( ] that i didn't have time to buy and write cards for even my close frens....it was that bad...i expected nothing in return n i got pleasantly surprised....i think that's the true lesson to learn...haha. the only thing i gave this year was handshakes...which is sth new for me i guess, cos other years i've never done it. but it's pretty cool...pretty interesting as well, cos u get to notice who has the firm handshakes n who has the light ones....n they're not the usual suspects...haha. another nice surprise was after christmas church dinner....quite a substantial bunch of us yfers actually went out in 4 cars after that for a drink at a mamak stall....one of the rare times of fellowship other than inside the church. n that's not all...that nite was also the nite i got my "wish"....for a very long time, i have always wanted, all my life, to drive down some quiet or scenic stretch of road at nite (preferably a starry nite) like the highway or the seaside n gaze....n my younger bro (in christ) jus got his license the day before so he actually drove along the stretch of seaside at nite! ok, so it wasn't me at the wheels...but i was in the front seat, n i felt almost the way he felt when he was driving...the first thrill of being able to rev up the engine, floor the gas, break in time, shift the gears....so it was almost like i was the one driving, taking control of my own car....n that's a pretty cool feeling. thanks bro if ur reading this....i won't forget this for a long long time. screw my parents for not letting me drive. i figure i'll probably be 25 when i get to drive my first car alone (as in without guidance or instruction from my parents)..haha. oh well. if u've noticed, all the christmas surprises above are materialistic, worldly things. yes, n i am aware of that. i am aware that these things will fade....but that's not to say i don't enjoy them when they come my way. but i don't bank on it to get me thru the day or to determine my mood / countenance, cos if i do, then when it fades away i'm in serious trouble. speaking of which, i feel a bit embarassed today cos i actually shared a bit about my time of depression (a small testimony) at yf earlier this afternoon. i felt...exposed...not totally exposed but a bit of my shell peeled off....but at the same time i do believe they needed to hear it (my testimony) cos i think god wants to warn them thru me. my two main points were: 1) if there's a problem which u jus can't seem to resolve even though u already know the answer, it means there's more problems beyond the surface, an underlying issue which u haven't resolved which u need to ask god n find out. 2) if you truly desire to be closer to god (or if you've been praying that prayer like i have been, without fully realising what it means), then expect trials, problems, troubles, worries, persecutions to come your way. you'll never grow close to him unless he kicks you out of your comfort zone...by force, which is what i find he is doing to me now. jus like this very nite. i was kicked out into a nite of silent dinners (aka having dinner with me, myself n i, which is ok if u planned it but it's not if u thot ppl were joining u but they cudn't in the end), basically dragged n forced out of my comfort zone, simply becos god knew if he didn't make the appointment to see me (as in spending quiet time), he knew i never really would tonite, cos i got a buncha things due...some homework n stuff to do. n he knows how i have a way of putting things off sometimes cos i jus feel so mentally weary or tired to do things..yeah, so once again i am made to realise that HE sets the appointment to meet me, and not the other way round. cos like the guest pastor a few wks back said, there's jus no chance we cud ever meet God if He didn't make it possible for us to do so. |
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