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read between the lines
day 2 of engage we had a third gathering of christians from mass comm again today...but there were fewer ppl due to project meetings going on at the same time n stuff. basically the person who seemed to take the lead, she asked us to recount what we learnt the past wk. i recounted in simple terms my experience on fri n sun.n yeah, i dun mean to test god but...ever since "engage" started, he has been doing the thing he did that sunday when i was forced into a silent dinner (see my dec 26 post). as in i have been having silent dinners again....except that they're not silent anymore. it's like the way i saw it on dec 26...He knows me all too well, n He knows i'll probably procrastinate n not get around to doing the engage booklet n additional quiet time properly, so He purposely makes it so that everyone can't make it for dinner this wk. but the good thing is, i'm learning to be alone...as in i'm learning to spend time with him once again. i was reflecting on this n i realised it is just like that British guy John Major's principles of getting "back to basics"...i dunno if i said this in an earlier post, but since before christmas i've realised i'm going backwards in time...i'm going "back to basics". it seems like all the key principles n foundations i held onto in my initial beginnings of revival as a young teen got lost along the way as i went out into the world n got ensnared with the riches of this world. and there's this verse in the bible (i can't remember where) that keeps popping out of my head ever since i saw it 2 sundays ago...something about "anyone who knows the world does not know the father" (i'm paraphrasing)....n it's true...n there's another part i read somewhere in psalms i think, a few nites ago where it said sth like if you obey or seek god first, he will give u the desires of ur heart...and bam! that was when i truly understood it. cos before that, i used to think, how can god possibly fulfill the desires of my heart if say, they are desires to have friends to depend on at all times (not to say this desire is selfish, but it's coming from a desperate sorta heart) n i never relly got it but that nite i did...so clearly. cos the desire for, say, the above, is merely the surface of the problem. if i were to check the root of the problem, or use Maslow's hierarchy of needs (i learnt this in marketing n advertising class), n if i examined myself, i wud see that the basic need of this wud be: a need for a sense of belonging (that's one of the 6 needs in Maslow's hierarchy), cos i realised i used to be labelled weird n laughed at or ostrasised for a great deal of my early teenage years, n i guess it's affected me greatly so much so that i clinged on to friends now to subconsciously fulfill the "need for belonging" so as to avoid that situation again. and the second need i realised is this...n it's something everyone wants. when u get down to basics, you jus wanna noe someone out there cares about u. as in u want at least one person to metaphorically put up their hand and say "yes, you are not a piece of shit n u are worth something in my eyes." some ppl try to look for that in what i like to call conditional love, as in they look for their relationship partner to provide that need for them, in a way expecting the other party to love them back. this kinda thing i feel, eventually fails since nobody's perfect. my fren who agreed with me put it best when he called it "a selfish kinda love". for me, thankfully i learned *very* early on in life that this kinda love never lasts n only destroys, so that's good. but lately the supply from which i've been receiving unconditional love from has dwindled....not that god never loves, but i've failed to seek him. somehow in my subconsious pursuit for acceptance n noeing that someone seconds ur personal opinion that ur not worthless trash, i turned away from the only source, God, who is able to fulfill this need. so back to the verse, i realised that He really does give ppl the desires of their heart, if they seek (or was it obey?) Him. cos when i broke the whole "need structure" down i realised that the desires of my heart (in this context) were the desire to feel accepted (yes, i feel accepted as his child and as one of his chosen ppl to enter his kingdom) and the desire to be loved unconditionally (yup, the cross reminds me that Yes, i must be worth something for God to wanna pay such a high price for...n besides that i like it when that Negro woman whose name i forgot says "honey, God ain't created no losers" or sth like that). which brings me back to the "back to basics" principle...i realised i'm actually going backwards in time in regards to my spiritual condition. i realise these days as i play my CD's that i've been listening to old albums that i used to listen to like crazy when i was spiritually revived in my younger teens. i've been listening to these albums cos they sorta bring back a few old emotions within me of how i felt when i was on fire for god, n they remind me of the old truths i found out at that time. and i'm going back to basic foundations n principles of the christian faith which i previously mastered at that time. stuff like depending n trusting God fully, n even the basic principle of having faith like a child. i seem to have lost the "no questions or doubts, just believe" mode i used to have prior to this. n that was the most "duh" thing i used to possess...n i'm amazed at how weak my faith has grown. i mean, this simple, trusting faith was the very thing that got me into mass comm....nothing else. i waited 3 whole months or more for the results of the mass comm application, knowing very well in my heart that i was going to get into mass comm. that faith, that very strong feeling of "everything's gonna be all right n i will get into mass comm" was the only thing that kept me sane when everyone around me was trying to put me down. i had aunties telling me there was "no hope" of getting into mass comm, i had friends who seriously doubted me and worried about how i wud take the bad news that i wudn't get in. i had a bit of doubt and uncertainty from my parents initially when they found out mass comm was the ONE and ONLY course i applied for. yeah, i was that certain. in fact, i was so certain that God wanted me here that, during the screen test interview, when the lecturer/interviewee asked me, "what happens if u don't make it to this course?" i just told her, "i can't see myself doing anything else other than this." |
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