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read between the lines
realisations today at yf i....i let my guard down. usually i'm not the type of person who likes to cry in front of people...i jus don't like to "show off" in a way....i mean, i dunno...i jus don't want ppl's sympathy n stuff like that. but today was one of the rare times that i did it...cos i felt like it.it was during a given time of open prayer after guest speaker youth pastor joyce lim from riverlife church gave her talk. n another thing about today...usually when i let loose a few tears, i try to control myself if i'm in front of ppl for the above reason, but today i jus let it out n let my hair do the hiding (guess that's one advantage of having long hair, hee heeh). but no, it wasn't her or her team that made me break open the floodgates (hey at least this sounds better than writing the word "cry"), rather it was the time allotted to me which i greatly needed (and judging from how similarly everyone else reacted, it was what the yfers greatly needed too). becos really, her talk was jus common sense stuff to me...mebbe it enlightened those who weren't, but her lessons in the faith were those that i had learnt the hard way...from the school of hard knocks. yeah, since very young i've seen troubles thru this way: god loves me but he noes how stubborn i am, n how reluctant i am to let things go, so he keeps making events happen to me that force me to give in and let go, and if i don't do that the first time, he'll keep causing these events to happen over and over again until i finally do, finally get it rite. it's like he keeps banging on my door until i open it....and leave it open. back to today's moment of prayer, i was reminded once again of sth i realised some time back...that all of us, these yfers i was looking ard at who were deep in prayer n tears with god, including me, needed some time with god, and some kinda place to be able to do it, some place where it wud be okay to let the tears fall n pain manifest. i mean, back when i had 2 wks of hols i was looking ard, mentally searching the whole of s'pore n jb to find that place...a place of rest n refuge, where i felt it was ok to pray. n i found myself wishing that ppl had started up some kinda centre where they allow ppl like me to book partitioned rooms to jus spend time in, very much like jamming studios where they let u book the rooms to jam in. if there was i think i'd be a regular customer. jus some quiet, personal space on my own, some time to get away from everyone and everything....basically some place of peace, some garden of eden, to hide in. cos i tried praying everywhere that time. i din't wanna pray in my room, cos it was small...n also cos my family was one of my sources of stress...we jus can't seem to get along together if we have to spend long amounts of time with each other. i felt embarrassed praying in public places like the library n shopping malls, cos i'm the type of person that tends to talk out aloud in my preferred mode of prayer...i only remain silent if anyone's around, which is why ppl rarely hear me speak in prayer. n i mean, imagine me praying out loud in a public place...ppl wud think i was nuts to be talking to myself or sth...i'd be a freak on display, some object that ppl pointed n stared at. but eventually i came to the conclusion that since there is no such place, i have no choice but to make do with my surroundings. so even these days i pray n cry over coffee / tea at one of those quiet coffee houses in shopping malls, or i go to some less-travelled spot in the library, or i jus pray in the open under the umbrellas at canteen one (it's mostly empty, which is good cos i like the quiet for concentration n peace, but at the same time it's like a display case cos everyone else is seated at the open-air food court itself, jus opposite)...n i jus close my eyes so i dun have to see anyone staring at me. but i admit when i hear the cleaner uncle coming over, or some person who's browsing for books (the coffee hse ppl rarely "kacau" aka. bother me), i lower my voice n try to pray silently. sometimes when i'm really irritated, i'll jus stop praying n wait until they pass. but yeah, i had kinda waited for this environment to come, so today when the opportunity presented itself i freely did. n also cos i came to church already suffering from a slight letdown, so that time provided me the chance to renew my spirit n set myself rite with god again. partly the reason why i was not in high spirits was cos i didn't have the chance to pray prior to reaching church. before that i was asleep...rite until past lunchtime. yeah, lazy me. after that i was rushing to go for worship practice. n after that was yf. so i hadn't had the time to set myself n my priorities right beforehand. this "engage" prayer n fasting thing is starting tmr, nationwide across campuses. n it's gonna be the first time i'm taking part in it. previously i declined (not only for this but for other stuff too like m'sia's nationwide 40 days of prayer n fasting), cos i procrastinated....especially the fasting part. tmr i'm still gonna fast, but it won't be the physical fast though...cos i noe my weak stomach cannot take it....but i'm gonna be fasting from a material thing...i won't say what. initially i debated doing it, cos it's gonna be tough to let it go, but i figured why not, since i was already trying to before this anyway, so this is no different. but yeah, i wanna make the change. i see things so much more clearly now, though sometimes the struggles get to me and i think, why god, why do i have to go thru this? but it's a rhetorical question cos i already noe the answer. but yeah, this sem's different. i'm starting to do things i never felt like doing before this, as in things related to god. i've engaged myself in more god-related activities/events n committed myself to long-term ones, sth i wudn't have had the faith to do last sem. n i'm not so afraid anymore of telling ppl about the gospel or talking about god openly in non-christian settings. in fact i've told more ppl about it this sem than i have the last. n what with the mass comm gathering thing....somehow i get the feeling that all these things are a sign of god ushering all his sheep into the sheep fold, gathering his wheat into the barn, doing all these precautionary things....right before the storm comes. yes, that's right...i feel like the end of the world is coming. i still don't wanna guess when, but all i noe is that everyday we spend is one day nearer to Christ's second coming. things are intenssifying...and god is rising up more of his ppl, empowering them with boldness to do what they must do. n these ppl (amongside ur usual widely-known christian leaders) i notice, are a broken generation. ppl like me. i like the fact that he's using broken ppl like us, ppl whom no one expects to succeed, ppl who are humbled by the troubles that have befallen us, ppl who are not ur usual roundup of "holy goody two shoes strong in spirit" ppl that u see all around. no offence to them, but i like the fact that the very ones who are being emboldened and who are starting to speak out n do the work of the Lord are the same ppl whom others have deemed as useless and hopeless. i mean, i used to feel so loser-ish, so hopeless about myself when i looked at the other christians around me who seemed to have taken tremendous leaps of faith ahead of me. in a way i felt left behind, and dejected, cos i felt everyone else had reached the mountaintop n i was still stuck somewhere between the foothill n the peak. but now i have hope when i see god using ppl like me to do something great. n i'm starting to like this fact (yes, i noe i keep repeating this phrase), cos i'm seeing it in a way as this: we're the underdogs. no one expects us to win or lead or succeed or do anything great, n that's how we're gonna surprise them n catch a few ppl in our fishers-of-men's nets. |
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