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read between the lines
going out of focus as i reflected on my actions today i realised i let the circumstances affect me n started going out of focus on God for a while. the bulk of it started when i took an unfamiliar bus route back after dinner and i missed the stop i was supposed to get off at cos i din't noe the area. ended up in bt. panjang lrt with a parking lot full of empty buses. had to wait quite some time for a bus to come n pick passengers up n take me back to the main rd (bt timah rd) which i had sidetracked from. i was kinda irritated cos my mom started calling n asking when i wud be coming home cos it was late, yadda yadda yadda. hey mom, it's not like i planned to get stranded on purpose. but good thing she wasn't in scolding mode....from then on the ride home was jus...irritating. n while i was waiting for the bus to get me out of bt. pjg lrt my mind started going into its routine gear of saying the F word...cos ever since that trip to nz n hanging out with ppl who replace the F word with the word 'shit', i've never been able to fully get that word outta my system. it tends to jus enter my head naturally, especially so in times of anger or irritation. usually i try to suppress it....n that's what i did. but not before i heard the F word repeated in my mind in conscious anger and frustration. cos u noe when ur pissed, suddenly all the tiny n insignificant wrong things that have happened start to come back to u in bigger chunks? that's what was happening...n it was building up my anger. one of the things was that i had to take a taxi again to sch becos of the early morning jam...n my mom is always scolding me about having taken taxi at least once each wk since i started sch (now's wk 6) cos she's feeling the pinch in her pocket even though in my opinion, my scholarship shud be enuff to cover it....n other mini things today....n it was all accumulating....n then suddenly my conscience stopped me n immediately i felt ashamed...then i closed my eyes n drifted off to sleep (i've been very tired these days anyway) n when i woke up i wasn't angry. n then later on the ride home the anger returned...but it was mixed with feelings of guilt over having said the F word in my head so many times....n the guilt followed me home....but at home i decided i cudn't take these lies of the devil any longer, so after another short nap i reaffirmed myself with god n reminded myself of my true identity in christ...that i need not feel guilt over past sins any more for i am forgiven....n all these worries n insecurities r just a pack of lies from who else but the father of lies. prayed, bathed, n now i've jus finished my sch work. finally....yawn. i've gotta wake up at 9 tmr which leaves me with only 5 measly hours of sleep. n i'm thinking, shit, why did my group pile so much work on me tonite? why cudn't they have pushed the work to "someone else not me" (it's a duran duran song...hehe)? why can't my mom allow me to stay in singapore so i dun have to wake up so early everyday n have to take the taxi when the causeway jams up? n i run the risk of getting pushed, shoved, touched, stepped on, etc. every day that i go past customs....it's even worse when there's a HUGE mob n only one bus....by then it's chaotic n everyone makes a run for it when they see the bus, n they shove the conductors aside.... but so far one miracle i've realised that works is, everytime when i see horrible crowds like these, i say a prayer for god to help me (as in let me not get shoved, kicked, pushed, touched) n it actually works. as in the contact is minimum, n i dun get molested or disgusted by ppl banging into me or anything. n of cos i thank god the minute i get into the bus. sigh....sigh. sigh....sigh. i mus be the only idiot who actually travels to and fro from customs everyday. in my cohort only ONE other person does it, n she wakes up EXTREMELY early in order to beat the jam. i dunno how she does it, but i think it's mostly cos she's been schooling in singapore all her life so she's learnt too many hard lessons from the jam already. in fact come to think of it i'm the only true blue malaysian in my cohort who was home-grown (i mean educated previously in my own land) who is still taking the stupid ride across customs n back. sheesh. i miss nus. wahahahaha....... ok i think i better sleep before i write more uncontrolled stuff...hahaha........btw there's a change in today's malaysian papers....the segment called "tsunami fury" has been changed to "after the tsunami" n it has lighter n less heart-wrenching stuff to read about...clearly what my lecturer terms as "agenda-setting by the media". speaking of which, i think i mus be the only "gundu" (aka. fool in malay slang) who actually reads the papers everyday in my cohort.... n i used to get so pissed last year (in first year) when the lecturer kept asking everyone each wk who had read X papers n he kept calling out singapore papers (i wasn't able to say "yes, i read them everyday!" since he never asked who reads the papers in general)....n he used to scold the class for being so outdated n lazy...."you guys are media students but you don't even know what's going on in the media!" n in lectures he wud tell us that most of us don't read papers...n in my mind i was like, darn, you stupid jerk, i do read the papers, who says i don't? but i never told him i read malaysian papers cos i was pretty sure he'd say sth like "as long as ur a student here, what good is it to tell me u read the papers there?" but whatever. i've learned that i shud jus shuddup n show the results in my exams. oh man i so gotta sleep...why am i rambling on and on like this..... |
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