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read between the lines
still engaging, still holding out i jus realised sth. today at our inter-dg gathering, as my fren was re-doing yesterday's topic in the engage booklet, it encouraged me to look at it again....and i'm glad i did, cos i din't relly notice it when we were doing the devotion thing at our gathering. but later as i had a second look at yesterday's topic again....then it hit me. 3 out of 4 criterias in the booklet i had failed in yesterday. and i realised that yesterday was relly a time of testing...n i'm sad to say i failed half the time. but then again....like i realised yesterday, guilt does not rule me any more. it's time to move on.this was yesterday's "criteria":
i noe, it's relly un-christianlike....n i have my mom to "thank" for it. cos when i was very young, she used to drive us round the "rich ppl district" n stop n stare at the houses....n share with me her opinion. how she wished she had that kitchen, or this pillar, etc etc. ....i think she never relly knew how bad it affected me but rite after those trips (which she eventually stopped by the way), i started coveting rich ppl's houses...n i started to feel inadequate around my rich frens. then when i had revival n i got back with god, i minimised that kinda thinking. but up to these days, sometimes i do feel a bit of lowliness when i'm looking at the inside of a rich fren's hse. but man oh man, yesterday the feelings of envy, a sort of hate, n coveting...they were at an unusually high degree within me. it was relly bad.... thruout the whole trip i was like , "jess, this will all fade away, this is all temporal" over and over again to remind myself of the truth. n the minute i got off the bus i started to pray....n i realised that this is all the devil's thinking....n after that realisation n prayer, i felt ok again. as for no. 3, well it came hand in hand with no. 4. today i realised i was definitely not thankful when i got stranded by the bus at bukit panjang lrt. n as i got irritated as the trip home progressed (read yesterday's post), i realised that i definitely wasn't at peace in my mind. it was only after i got home n prayed that peace gradually returned. it's a lesson i'm still learning today. i'm learning to trust in God n keep my heart steadfast in Him, so as to attain the "perfect peace" He will keep me with (i forgot what verse, think it's isaiah). cos today i paled quite a number of times in times of stress during sch assignments n stuff....little, little stuff....n for those who dun noe me so well, i usually turn pale when i'm extremely stressed. sometimes my hands even start to shake....n the worst one was when i had my one and only anxiety attack sometime last year or two years ago. i cudn't stop trembling for a whole hour. it was like i had parkinson's or sth. but the thing is, like i said, today's things were little, little stuff compared to the biggies that i've turned pale in. so in reflection as i sat in the library, physically and mentally tired n exhausted, i was surprised that i turned pale over such minor issues. cos in the past i've only turned pale if it's sth big (well, most of the time at least). so i prayed then....while i was blasting newsboys into my head in the music room there again....n then i was sustained...until after dinner n after coming home... btw i played newsboys "on air" in my sch's radio studio today for my practice test for doing some sorta deejay thing (where you play the song n then u say "n that was entertaining angels by newsboys. coming up next, the weather report" etc.).....hahaha. it was so funny....but i'm glad i did it. i actually played a CCM song to the general mass comm public (those who were in the radio studio building). n some of my classmates inside the studio were actually nodding their heads to the music. wow...haha. ok, so it didn't mention the name "Jesus" in it, but it was pretty obvious to christians, the lyrics...."i just believe, i just believe it...sometimes i dunno why....." or "not just a feeling, it's a reason....we know a line is crooked cos we noe what's straight, that little voice inside..." or "not by the wisdom of a man or a machine, this is not preference or taste that is amused...the evidence of things unseen...the more u look the more u'll see..." it was pretty cool. i feel like doing it again for the actual test. hehe. the test is next week. btw, i found i wasn't the only one bold enuff to play christian songs over the air....the group before me, which included some of the mass comm christians who were in our new gathering thingy, i overheard them playing some obviously christian songs too...stuff like breath of the spirit, sth like that....i never heard the songs before, but with lyrics like that, i knew all too well the implications of god in them. |
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