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read between the lines
after the camp i just returned today from a camp which my organisation holds every year. compared to previous same camps of theirs (excluding the first year), this time it really impacted my life and what god wanted to tell me was made more real, thanks to heart-to-heart talks with friends that drove home the message. it wasn't just me being ministered by the sermons and workshops only; this time it had a personal touch aka. friends, which made god's message inculcated even deeper into my heart.i hope i will not forget soon what He told me. but besides that, this camp was special in comparison to others (as in other camps of the same name and series) for so many reasons: i knew much fewer people than previously (which is not a bad thing, especially if some of the people you already know have an unfavourable impression of you). the workshop packages had a theological twist this time. i came to this camp with the aim of having a primary focus on god in mind. i felt more confident in christ (though not totally confident) and therefore became more open and 'smiley' than at previous camps. i finally got to lie down on my back and stargaze at the night sky until sunrise, which is what i have always wanted to do. by the grace of god, i didn't get sick; no accompanying sore throat or cough. and others. i also thank god for the rare treat of having a CG (community group, aka. group i was assigned to throughout the camp) that i was truly able to bond with and be accepted into. the openness and absence of awkward moments in our CG was definitely welcomed. which is so unlike my mission trip group (but that's another story). of course there is so much more to share about the experiences and revelations at camp, but due to lack of free time i will leave it at this. as a conclusion, let me clarify on the phrase "impacted my life" at the beginning of this post. i was referring to the fact that it definitely touched my heart. i felt encouraged and comforted by the One who loves me most. but that's not to say my troubles have disappeared and i am no longer struggling with issues like my parents and all that. however, that is to say that in the midst of my struggles, i have been given whatever it takes (renewed spirit, perseverane, hope, faith, etc.) to endure them.
short christmas note this will be short. still tired from camp. work's started trickling in, as expected.before i mention the camp, let me say christmas was painful. it could have been even worse had god not provided a very timely friend and that friend's christmas party to run to. but let me clarify that i did not use that as a form of dependence, nor would i have stayed home to face the family stress had that opportunity not risen. cos i was already out of the house anyway. one of the rare times i used my trump card (and my last resort), which is to run away from home. that might seem like a cowardly thing to do but sometimes i just can't take it when it hits the max and all i want to do at that time is leave the scene of the crime aka. the place which is causing me great stress. back to camp. which i will continue in a new post. posting in, early christmas morn merrryyyy chrisssstmasssss. some kind of christmas eve this is. i don't think in all X years of my life have i ever had to work right up till christmas eve, or should i say, christmas morning. this week's been insanely noctornal for me. i've said before i was a late owl, but this week i went fully nocturnal. broke my record of longest time of staying up this sunday/monday. was up until 10am monday. and that was only to break off for two hours of sleep, blessed sleep. the rest of the week's been nearly that late in terms of hitting the sack. these days i sleep even later than the time the muezzin prays at the mosque. at least i learnt one thing for sure this week: i am not cut out to be a journalist. and i am so glad i finally handed in my last assignment (for the week, to be continued) a few minutes ago. thought it would be interesting to record down this insane, un-festive moment of my life since i'm already up and all. one thing's for sure, i am definitely putting off my schoolwork tomorrow. no way is pile after pile of schoolwork going to separate me from communing with my god on christmas day. maybe it did for the eve, but no way for christmas itself. and now i am just going to close my eyes and finally get away from work. Oh Happy Day Oh happy day (oh happy day) (La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la) Oh happy day (oh happy day) (La, la, la, la, la, la, la) He taught me how (oh, He taught me how) Oh happy day (oh happy day) He taught me how (oh yeah, how) Oh happy day (oh happy day) pre-grad thoughts there's a lot on my mind tonight. which is not an unusual thing for me. but what is, is that there's so much that it makes me feel lazy to type it all out. and what's worse is i'm supposed to be doing my schoolwork right now, writing an article for my stupid assignment that's due tomorrow which got the get-go only yesterday night. but after...what has happened, i don't feel in the mood to write at all. write my article i mean. noooo......i haven't even bathed yet and it's 3 plus, simply because......oh my gosh, it's a long story. well it's a story that leads to another story that leads to another story. i know, because i just erased more than 2 paragraphs and i still haven't even got to the main point yet. so oh well. maybe i should call it quits for the day and work on my assignment tomorrow. or maybe i'll feel better when i bathe at this unearthly time. but then again i've been going fully nocturnal this week, since pri.nt journ piled all that last-minute shitload of articles on me. [i've decided to put a full-stop in-between 'pri' and 'nt' because i know if i don't this stupid thing is gonna come up on technorati again and i'll be one more screwed blogger.] irregular sleeping times. and my record time of not sleeping the whole night until 10am the next day was forged during this week too. (even then i only slept 10am-12pm only to wake up to slave some more.) previously the latest i'd ever stayed up was 6am. and i thought that'd be a one-off thing, the late nights, the crazy sleeping hours, the weird bathing time, the process of rushing around singapore interviewing people at the last minute like a mad fool, but apparently i was wrong. it lasted the whole week..right until tonight. and i don't know how much longer it will last because the nature of this thing is such that it is so hard to tell. i think tonight i know for sure i will never be a journalist. not over my dead body will you find me running around, chasing people, wasting taxi fare to go from one end of singapore to another (thank god it isn't as big a country as malaysia and the taxi uncles are generally honest about their fares unlike here), concocting stories in the dead of the night, meeting tight deadlines, facing stress, fatigue and sleep, doing all this....as a lifetime job. at least while i have my sanity i know i won't do it. emotion may cloud reason and leave me feeling otherwise...but, for now, i just can't see myself doing all that AND being a good christian (by being able to have sufficient quiet time with god, having time for god's people, etc.) AND not feeling either so stressed out or burned out that i don't want to kill myself with multiple papercuts. as my interviewee (and, as it turns out, my new-found friend) pointed out to me earlier after our talk, it's not the writing that i hate, rather it's the super-tight deadlines that i hate. and he said something like what's work without that? erm...please don't tell me all jobs have to be like this. i'm sure there's a way out of this while being able to put food on the table somehow... this, coming from an inexperienced, innocent pre-grad like me. i wonder what i will make of this post when i'm much older. blame my parents for forbidding me to work, not even part-time during my hols. sometimes i think they do this on purpose just so i can come out young and stupid into the working world, thinking it will make me go back to them for milk. which i will not, for as long as i can help it. that is one thing i vow never to do once i start working. even if it means i might have to sleep on the streets (anyway i can never believe god would be so cruel as to let me), i will not come back to them for help. because i know they expect me to. and they want me to. and i am just so extremely sick of being smothered by my parents' suffocating, controlling mechanism which some point-justifying friends term as "love". and if i can, i will stop this cycle once and for all and either be a better parent or not have kids at all, so they don't have to suffer like i do. i guess the thing that really gets to me is not really that my parents set down so many rules that i am not supposed to break, but rather the way they tell me that really pisses me off. they order me as if i'm some slave prisoner of theirs and it's their right that i should be ordered around, since i was born into this...this slavery. the way they say it, it's always first a NO and when i ask further, it's usually a there-is-no-reason-why-it-should-be-a-no-and-no-it's-not-negotiable dictatorial kind of ruling. i can understand if this was instated upon a 5-year-old. but a person hitting adulthood like me? i hate it. it makes me feel oppressed. and no matter how many times i try to explain to them that i am a human being as well and i need to be communicated to instead of talked down to, they still do it their way. such is the old-fashioned way of thinking. not even will they stop to consider or admit that they could be wrong in the way they deal with these things. and this is just the tip of the iceberg of what i wanted to say. but then again, how is it possible to pour out several years of pent-up frustration, grief and anger in just one post?
food for thought you're everything to no one and nothing to everyone.if no one was an entity, who would no one be? if nothing was quantifiable, what would nothing mean to everyone? who are the no ones in this world and what are the nothings to everyone? doesn't everyone include no one, since it has to be every one? i miss writ comm and philosophy. it's not everyday you get to engage in deep thoughts like this, and after awhile your ability to think out of the box that's out of the box decays. it's like that research fellow from the US or ex-senior editor of the business desk said: you go to an uncle with his sarong down in the coffee shop and you start talking about identification and mystification and the uncle will think you're crazy / nuts.engaging in intellectual discourse is a rare opportunity for me indeed. it was a pleasure indeed to have him with us that day. but like i said, my mind's not as sharp as it used to be.
stings part 2 ever felt like it burns inside and no matter what you do you can't get it out of your system? kinda like heartburn. which i've felt before; it used to be more often before i got those gastric pills.feeling like it stings inside also feels like: ...being pricked on the finger with a needle, and it bled, but even when the blood stopped, when you run water over it or rub it against your other fingers, you can feel that stinging feeling like it hasn't really healed even though with your naked eye it looks fine. ...when your lips crack and they dry up. instinctively you start to lick them, but then you start to taste some blood as it cracks a little more. your saliva as the balm only works for awhile. and then you gotta start licking your wound again and find the living source of water to hydrate you once again. ...screaming to no one. for all the decibels you chalk up from shouting and yelling, they are like a silent mime to everybody and nobody. you're just this face in a faceless, nameless crowd. this is what happens when i think too much. i can't help it. i was born with a mind and a brain that thinks constantly. i like to engage myself in deep thought. i can't let go / space out / whatever. and it still hurts. deep down. only i'm not showing it on the outside. but i think those secret service spies would be able to tell by reading my face. oh lord, you so want to test me. and knowing me, you know i want to run. but i can't.
stings sometimes an old memory hurts like getting your finger burnt by candle flames. you don't want to go there, but somehow or other you made the wrong turn, or you were forced to go there by God's divine allowance to test you, or something in you persisted to return.and then you came and got yourself burnt. you can feel the melted wax coating your skin and how it burns when it's hot. the sorrow of your soul as it cries out for fresh oxygen while being suffocated by intoxicating heat and stinging smoke. but how you wait for the time when it cools down and you can peel it off from your skin, throw it away and never look back. v quick home com spoiled again. so no internet access since fri. parents conveniently didn't tell me again. was in school doing late work, got home 12pm that day and they waited till i got home to tell me even though i told them i'd be doing school work in school.anyway the deadline's taken care off, and the flash assignment by the grace of god has received outside help to aid me. no, i didn't get someone else to do it; i found someone else to teach me. but still it was hard...i had a lot of problems getting it to work. handed it in today (half an hour late, but i think it's not much marks' difference). did not sleep since yesterday, only a short nap from 10am-12pm. miracle i'm feeling awake to do my other school article-writing deadline now. christmas with the youth on saturday was surprisingly pretty warm and nice. temporary retreat from the bowels of hell....oops, home. renovation woes This is what my msn nickname reads:Thank you so much, parents, for making my life a living hell.
-today is i hate parents day, show your love by depreciating them- undue credit for sarcasm goes to my dad, though thank god he didn't say anything caustic today. but still my parents really are the best...i don't think they know how much stress i undergo just because of this stupid construction project at home and the problems it brings. renovation was supposed to have finished in december but due to lazy workers and a two-timing contractor, it's only halfway in progress, with nearly twice the original budget blown. ah, the traits of malaysian workmanship in construction projects. like they say, "if you can find an honest and hardworking contractor here, he's sure to receive a lot of requests." ever since the day they decided to renovate the house with us still living inside, it has been giving us nothing but problems. problems between my parents and the workers and contractors, problems between me and my parents, problems between me and my brother. okay, so the last two have always been there, but with the construction process it's been magnified. i've seen my parents at their worst through this time of ongoing renovation. and i don't like what i see. is it worth it to go through 3 more years of this shit? i wonder. shouldn't i just be the angst-ridden rebel and go out and work straight after this so i don't have to live with them any longer? i don't know. i still don't know. i just don't want to make a rash decision. it's been nearly 2 weeks since i was evicted from my room and forced to leave my belongings in the room to get dusty while they knocked part of my wall down. i can still recall when i walked in on saturday afternoon after deciding to come home and seeing rubble and dust all over my things. bed, bible, books, CDs, magazines, school notes....oh, the horror. yeah, my parents conveniently forgot to tell me they were planning on knocking down part of my wall and left the house just like that. they could have said the day before, oh, by the way, we're knocking down part of your wall tomorrow but no, for whatever stupid reasons of their own they chose not to tell me. and when they came back and i asked them to their faces, the only answer they could give was my dad saying, "yeah, we're real lousy parents." yeah, dad, trust you to say something sarcastic. as if it's going to solve anything. reminds me of the episode from season 1 of desperate housewives where susan meyer scolds mike the plumber for not telling her he killed a man in the past. somewhere in her mumblings she said something like: "why didn't you tell me? don't tell me you couldn't find the right time; there was always a right time. like when we were jogging, you could have said, oh, by the way, i once killed a man. or when we were at the movies and the baddie killed the guy, you could have said, oh, by the way i once did that too..." i feel the same about my parents. what would have happened had i not decided to come home? why do they not trust me enough to let me in on what's happening? why do my parents still not trust me enough to let me live my own life? how can my mother say i'm street stupid? cos if i was wouldn't i be dead in some back alley a long time ago? today something similar happened and i had to take a few moments in the bath to recollect myself again. i hate making myself sick. and my parents don't even seem to have hearts sometimes. they said me moving out of my room was just temporary, that it would take maximum, a week. what would have happened if i decided not to ask them why i still couldn't bring my bed and my essential things back in? why do they not trust me enough to let me in on what's happening? had i not asked, i wouldn't have known that they were planning to knock down more of my wall again. when? soon. once again they conveniently forgot to tell me. after that the stress from the realisation of it and the memory of the past similar announcement started to overwhelm me. it's not so bad if i could move all my stuff out, or some of it, but no, instead i have to leave my stuff there to be readily coated with dust and sand again. just when i thought i could remove the newspapers that covered them. i hate having to wear the same one-week set of clothes every week and not being able to access my wardrobe because it's taped with newspaper. i hate not having access to my previous school notes because the shelf's taped with newspaper. i hate not being able to listen to music at night because the boom box can't be brought over to my brother's room. i hate the lack of privacy while having to stay in my brother's room where just about anybody can come in. i hate not being able to cry or pray in secrecy because i'm afraid any moment somebody might just come into my brother's room. most of all, i hate my parents for not telling me anything and not trusting me. but i thank god that as much as i have used the word 'hate' today, the actual feeling of wrath and uncontrolled anger does not engulf me. and i wasn't as stressed (in the extreme sense) for so long a duration. it's funny but sometimes the most unlikely things caused by divine placement can make me happy. i was starting to think things through in the bath when suddenly the song "oh happy day" from sister act 2 drifted into my thoughts. now, everytime i think of that song (and it has been quite some time since i have), it just fills me with a feeling of joy and underlying calm, because it brings me back to a congregational hotel christmas dinner a few years ago, where the choir in the youth (who were not so horrible back then) sang this song. i remember the huge, warm smile on my friend's face as they sang in front of me, and of the festive mood that followed. after the choir ended, some of the youth rushed down to greet me and save me from my much-needed escape from boredom due to sitting with boring old people my mom wanted to dine with. ah, those were the days. but that wasn't the only reason why i loved the song, though it was a big part of it. the words help bring me back to the cause for which i'm living. Oh Happy Day from SISTER ACT 2 OST Oh happy day (oh happy day) Oh happy day (oh happy day) When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) Washed my sins away (oh happy day) Oh happy day (oh happy day) (La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (La, la, la, la, la) La, la, la, la, la Oh happy day (oh happy day) Oh happy day (oh happy day) When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) When my Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) He washed my sins away (La, la, la, la, la, la, la) La, la, la, la, la, la, la (La, la, la, la, la) La, la, la, la, la He taught me how (oh, He taught me how) To wash (to wash, to wash) Fight and pray (to fight and pray) Fight and pray And he taught me how to live rejoicing yes, He did (and live rejoicing) Oh yeah, every, every day (every, every day) (oh yeah) Every day! Oh happy day (oh happy day) Oh happy day, yeah (oh happy day) When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) When my Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed) My sins away (oh happy day) I'm talking about that happy day (oh happy day) He taught me how (oh yeah, how) To wash (to wash) Fight and pray (sing it, sing it, c'mon and sing it) Fight and pray And to live yeah, yeah, c'mon everybody (and live rejoicing every, every day) Sing it like you mean it, oh.... Oh happy day (oh happy day) I'm talking about the happy days (oh happy day) C'mon and talk about the happy days (oh happy day) Oh, oh, oh happy days (oh happy day) Ooh talking about happy day (oh happy day) Oh yeah, I know I'm talking about happy days (oh happy day) Oh yeah, sing it, sing it, sing it, yeah, yeah (oh happy day) Oh, oh, oh Oh happy day... -- and only just earlier, i chanced upon a blog whose words shed some light of encouragement onto me and left me with food for thought: "I will not give in to my hardships, failures and letdowns, for that would truly be the ultimate failure. So it is I must press on, reminding myself that I cannot grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time I will reap. In only in Christ Jesus to do I sow for only in him will I reap anything worth attaining." incense god, i know you love me. but sometimes i just feel too weak to carry on. i know life has its ups and downs, but mine seems to be constantly downhill for the most part of over a year. and everytime something good happens and i start to think this time of testing could be over, something even shittier than the last will come crashing down on me and i'll start to sink again just when i thought i saw the sky.i know you permit these things to happen and you want me to grow and i do admit i have grown, mentally, spiritually, a lot, but though at times i am aware of your grace especially in times when it is most obvious that i could not have gotten through the day without you, i am starting to feel constantly weaker and weaker. so maybe that is your point exactly, to make me broken and humbled. and broken i am, broken i am. broken so that i may acknowledge that the power belongs to the Most High like you said in corinthians. and who can forget that when i am at my weakest you are at your strongest? but sometimes i can't see the power that's behind me working through me. and more and more so, i feel like i've lost a lot of my willpower. there are some social hurdles that i used to always tackle with thick-skinned perseverance that i feel too weak to tackle anymore. and it's not looking good on me; the worst part is some people are starting to misunderstand again. i feel so sick of trying that i've stopped trying even though every week i say i will try to grin and bear it. these people intimidate me. i know you want to prepare me for the real world, but i find it very ironic that usually it is my own sister that betrays me instead of one who has not seen the light. how can it be that the non-christians are more likely to be trustworthy or supportive than the so-called christ-followers? i don't even know whether to ask for leniency or renewed inner will because neither seems right. i just know after i die it will all make sense to me. lord i want to live for you. and i know to do that you've been making me die to self so much. but don't let me die until there's nothing left of me to live for. and please let me see and feel your love at all times because i need it so much. enable me to focus on you because i keep getting distracted. lead me, your sheep along the right path and never let the thief come and steal me away. help me to do what is right. and give me a sound mind, as you have promised in timothy. help me keep that sound mind and stop being blurred by fogs of emotion. all this in jesus' name i pray, amen. Believe by NEWSBOYS as i lay me down where do i begin so simply complicated the voice within i hear it singing so clear invisible like the sound of the wind we all know you are there i just believe i just believe it sometimes i dunno why gotta go with my gut again on this one not just a feeling it's a reason we know a line is crooked `cause we know what's straight that little voice inside as i lay me down i confess i'm a fool for you no more, no less and in this world turning gray strikes a chord when i say there is black there is white there is wrong and there is right i just believe i just believe it sometimes i dunno why gotta go with my gut again on this one there is no alibi if it's not the truth it's..... i'm falling for the truth again not by the wisdom of a man or a machine this is not preference or a taste that is amused the evidence of things unseen the more you look the more you'll see i just believe i just believe it sometimes i dunno why gotta go with my gut again on this one i just believe i just believe it if there's ever been a God it's now i hear that still small voice inside flash yes, my assignment is to create a flash website, among other things. actually, it's to create an instructional cd-rom package, complete with cd design cover and cd-rom contents on how to make an origami squid, presented in the form of a flash website.i have been sitting here at the computer since 9pm so you can guess how much time i've spent panicking. i was about to throw in the towel at 11plus and pen in a shoutout to god, which i planned to after this blogging, but thankfully divine help came in the form of a friend who knows a friend. it's not that i didn't look for online tutorials; i did, but somehow along the way i got lost and i kept running into a dead end. the same seemed to happen too initially when this friend gave me an online walkthrough via instuctions through instant messaging, but only just now he decided to do an example of it himself and send me the file to have a look. and i just got it. hopefully it'll be of great use to me...i intend to explore it more in detail after my bath. but erm...that's just one part of the puzzle. once again, techies, you can laugh at me. it was just....the buttons. yes, yes, creating a button is the most duh thing you can ever imagine, but getting it to work was like greek to me. somehow or other the actionscript i wanted, which was "OnClick", could not be found no matter how hard i tried. and using "goto" was not much help at all....it only added to the confusion. i don't even have everything else pinned down yet, like those animated creatures my teacher wants on the site, but...we'll leave that out for another day. if god can help me tonight with the buttons problem, he can sure solve the rest of this muddling flash site. by the way if you're wondering, no, classes didn't help cos the lecturer assumed everyone knew the basics so he started straight from intermediate (or was it advanced?) level. and the refresher class for basics was on tuesday, the day i was absent from school. asking my friends what happened in class was like asking blank walls with no chalk on them. and i'm pretty sure some will miraculously chalk up compelling equations on their own with their self-kept knowledge even though they pretend to be clueless. but that's life. why flash, god, why? if it was dreamweaver i'd have it in the bag almost assuredly. but no.....it has to be....the dreaded flash. the last time i used flash was 3 years ago and since then all the knowledge i've acquired has been emptied out of my memory banks for good. probably cos the lessons themselves 3 years back were pretty rushed and most of it was DIY, so it's not like we had proper help at that time either. the day thus far the day thus far has been, woah....bad.my friend fell sick and cancelled our outing for the umpteenth time. so nevermind, i decided to go ahead with the movie, since i was already planning to watch it anyway, with or without her. saw chronicles of narnia...which did not meet up to my expectations, me being an avid fan of the books. but that's not the bad part, cos well...it wasn't lousy per se, but i do believe the way the script was written (not the book) could have been better. and more could have been done to differentiate narnian clothing from the ones in lord of the rings. and then i found my allowance had been stolen from my wallet. i won't mention the sum here but it was quite a sum, since it was for the whole month. i knew i put the money in my wallet yesterday, and there it was all gone as i was paying up. somehow i suspect it fell out when i was trying to extract my wad of loose notes to pay up for the movie in the midst of the busy noon crowd. darn me. the rest of the day could only get worse. after the movie i decided to take a cab home and work on my school project (that's another headache i'll mention later). so i come out, and it's drizzling. i couldn't find a cab at all four corners of outside the building. there were throngs of people everywhere, rushing for taxis. began to suddenly appreciate the vastness of choice in cinemas in singapore compared to this. for all its perks, the building which housed this cinema has no taxi stand; it usually just had places allotted to taxis to park. but the rain and the resulting jam had driven them away and now the ratio of taxis for every person was very low. so i went to the next building, which had a grimy taxi stand and double the potential passengers (because they came from both buildings), but after waiting for a while in a long line i had a taxi drive by really fast and strategically splash water exactly at where my dog-bite wound was (see second next paragraph), not to mention all over my slippers and bottom of my slacks, so i immediately left the place in search of better places to hail cabs. it continued drizzling. i walked as far as near customs for a stupid taxi but over there all i found was the jb-to-singapore drivers cos the jb ones had been all snapped up. that's how crowded town was today. my leg started aching. i thought it healed but apparently i spoke too soon. to fill you in, i got bitten by my dog, the fierce one, again on monday, long story, but it was more serious than usual. did not come to school tuesday because i couldn't walk, and the rest of the days i've been walking around campus like mad-eye moody. friday started to show some promise, cos i could walk almost properly though i couldn't walk fast yet, so i thought today it'd be alright. but i was wrong. so i tried calling people up for transport. i started first with my dad, but for some reason the stupid reception (or was it my stupid phone?) was so bad that everytime he called, he couldn't hear what i was saying and i was just wasting my credit away, which was already kinda low. then i called anyone whom i knew had a car. that didn't work out too. if this was a movie i would put all the shots for these paragraphs together and flash them at a speed fast enough to make it look like a fast-paced montage, complete with white flashes to separate each scene. and what do you get when you flash several shots at one time? a cumulation of things, a sense of urgency, feeling rushed, stressed. that's what i felt: i can't get a cab. the stupid taxi driver splashed muddy water onto my dog-bite wound. i've been walking in heavy drizzle for half an hour. my leg hurts. my stupid phone (or its reception) can't work, people on the line can't hear me. my credit's running low and people still can't hear me on the other side of the line. please forgive me, god, but in this time of pressed crisis, the minute the last useless call ended i muttered the f word under my breath. it just came out involuntarily. and then i hit the phone, shut it off, turned it on again, tried it and kept on trying it until my dad on the line could hear me, while praying all the while. yes, yes, i know, interesting how the tongue can spout a fountain of poison one minute and words as sweet as honey the next. finally it worked. so i trudged back to the building from which i came out of, which was by now a few minutes away. went into mcdonald's, sat down and rested my poor leg, and stoned there for about half an hour while my dad braved the town traffic jam for me. thank god he didn't scold me or anything the whole time. i really thought he was going to say something sarcastically cutting as usual, which was why i was initially reluctant to call him in the first place. sadly, my family is not the first group of people i run to when i need help. it's always been that way. i just have to accept it. it's one of those things which is ironically true for most youth these days. we need to be better parents to our kids next time. came home, exercised my right to sleep as a form of escapism, had late dinner with slightly troubled tummy and then started on my school project...which up till now has only recently had part of it solved. techies, you'll laugh at me, but i've forgotten how to do flash.
shortie whoosh...i'm back. and i have that same light-headed feeling i get when i stay up too late and i'm not used to it. much has happened since i took a break from this. my friend said it was spiritual warfare. it could be. but whatever it is, i know i'm being trained to stretch my limits during this time of prayer.the background to this is, i tried a 40-day prayer about seeking god's will post-graduation (i can't even remember if i mentioned this before here), and it just ended yesterday. result? so what is the answer to the eternal question, figuratively speaking: should i work or should i study? the answer is....... I DON'T KNOW haha. bet you didn't expect that. i know i didn't. but then again i didn't exactly have the expectation that at the end of all this, god has to tell me what to do. of course not. i did hope for it, though. i hoped for a clearer view of what to do. what i do know now is that i know a bit more about the courses i've narrowed down the list that i would go, if that was my path. however, that little bit is not enough to convince me that i should go down that path. and i keep hearing benefits from both sides, especially during these 40 days. another thing about these 40 days: i can definitely see the hand of god moving in this. cos all of a sudden i've had people come up and talk to me / discuss my options for the future, or i would ask them and they'd give me their opinion which helped in unfogging the blurry view ahead of me. i was looking through my pen-and-paper journal again when i got bored in the bus tonight (it was the usual stuck-in-the-jam woodlands jam) and this part from the past i wrote caught my eye: that i have to just trust god that he'll let me know in his own timing on what i should do. speaking about what i should do, it did occur to me at some point that perhaps god wants me to make the decision on my own and he would add his backing to whatever path i decided to take. after all, god's will is not confined to one specific decision. but that didn't exactly help because, up till now, i myself don't really know what path to take. it's not i don't know what i want, because i do and i'd want it to be so preferably, but i realise that what i want might be, like my friend said, far-fetched and so it looks like i'll most likely have to put my dreams / aspirations aside and focus on real life and earning money to support myself sufficiently in the end. yes, yes, i know god is the provider behind my projected supplications but, how much will he provide and to what extent will he allow me to experience his providence through that particular way thus far? these are questions i trust he will answer when he wills it to be so and in the meantime i know i am expected to press on by faith. and i will. and we come back to the issue of faith. faith is practically the crux of our belief in god. and so in a way this form of decision-making and coming to the crossroads is a spiritual thing indeed. and now i am tired and i need to get up in time tomorrow for a planned outing and so i shall go to bed. soon. more to come in the next few nights if i'm free. darn these mozzies. they keep biting my exposed legs, i've got so many bites on the legs especially these past few nights, not just from sitting at the computer. |
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