undue credit for sarcasm goes to my dad, though thank god he didn't say anything caustic today. but still my parents really are the best...i don't think they know how much stress i undergo just because of this stupid construction project at home and the problems it brings.

renovation was supposed to have finished in december but due to lazy workers and a two-timing contractor, it's only halfway in progress, with nearly twice the original budget blown. ah, the traits of malaysian workmanship in construction projects. like they say, "if you can find an honest and hardworking contractor here, he's sure to receive a lot of requests."

ever since the day they decided to renovate the house with us still living inside, it has been giving us nothing but problems. problems between my parents and the workers and contractors, problems between me and my parents, problems between me and my brother. okay, so the last two have always been there, but with the construction process it's been magnified. i've seen my parents at their worst through this time of ongoing renovation. and i don't like what i see.

is it worth it to go through 3 more years of this shit? i wonder. shouldn't i just be the angst-ridden rebel and go out and work straight after this so i don't have to live with them any longer?

i don't know. i still don't know. i just don't want to make a rash decision.

it's been nearly 2 weeks since i was evicted from my room and forced to leave my belongings in the room to get dusty while they knocked part of my wall down. i can still recall when i walked in on saturday afternoon after deciding to come home and seeing rubble and dust all over my things. bed, bible, books, CDs, magazines, school notes....oh, the horror. yeah, my parents conveniently forgot to tell me they were planning on knocking down part of my wall and left the house just like that.

they could have said the day before, oh, by the way, we're knocking down part of your wall tomorrow but no, for whatever stupid reasons of their own they chose not to tell me. and when they came back and i asked them to their faces, the only answer they could give was my dad saying, "yeah, we're real lousy parents."

yeah, dad, trust you to say something sarcastic. as if it's going to solve anything.

reminds me of the episode from season 1 of desperate housewives where susan meyer scolds mike the plumber for not telling her he killed a man in the past. somewhere in her mumblings she said something like:

i feel the same about my parents. what would have happened had i not decided to come home? why do they not trust me enough to let me in on what's happening? why do my parents still not trust me enough to let me live my own life? how can my mother say i'm street stupid? cos if i was wouldn't i be dead in some back alley a long time ago?

today something similar happened and i had to take a few moments in the bath to recollect myself again. i hate making myself sick. and my parents don't even seem to have hearts sometimes.

they said me moving out of my room was just temporary, that it would take maximum, a week. what would have happened if i decided not to ask them why i still couldn't bring my bed and my essential things back in? why do they not trust me enough to let me in on what's happening? had i not asked, i wouldn't have known that they were planning to knock down more of my wall again. when? soon. once again they conveniently forgot to tell me.

after that the stress from the realisation of it and the memory of the past similar announcement started to overwhelm me. it's not so bad if i could move all my stuff out, or some of it, but no, instead i have to leave my stuff there to be readily coated with dust and sand again. just when i thought i could remove the newspapers that covered them.

i hate having to wear the same one-week set of clothes every week and not being able to access my wardrobe because it's taped with newspaper. i hate not having access to my previous school notes because the shelf's taped with newspaper. i hate not being able to listen to music at night because the boom box can't be brought over to my brother's room. i hate the lack of privacy while having to stay in my brother's room where just about anybody can come in. i hate not being able to cry or pray in secrecy because i'm afraid any moment somebody might just come into my brother's room.

most of all, i hate my parents for not telling me anything and not trusting me.

but i thank god that as much as i have used the word 'hate' today, the actual feeling of wrath and uncontrolled anger does not engulf me. and i wasn't as stressed (in the extreme sense) for so long a duration. it's funny but sometimes the most unlikely things caused by divine placement can make me happy.

i was starting to think things through in the bath when suddenly the song "oh happy day" from sister act 2 drifted into my thoughts. now, everytime i think of that song (and it has been quite some time since i have), it just fills me with a feeling of joy and underlying calm, because it brings me back to a congregational hotel christmas dinner a few years ago, where the choir in the youth (who were not so horrible back then) sang this song.

i remember the huge, warm smile on my friend's face as they sang in front of me, and of the festive mood that followed. after the choir ended, some of the youth rushed down to greet me and save me from my much-needed escape from boredom due to sitting with boring old people my mom wanted to dine with. ah, those were the days.

but that wasn't the only reason why i loved the song, though it was a big part of it. the words help bring me back to the cause for which i'm living.

Oh Happy Day
from SISTER ACT 2 OST

Oh happy day (oh happy day)
Oh happy day (oh happy day)
When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
Washed my sins away (oh happy day)
Oh happy day (oh happy day)

(La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
(La, la, la, la, la)
La, la, la, la, la

Oh happy day (oh happy day)
Oh happy day (oh happy day)
When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
When my Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
He washed my sins away

(La, la, la, la, la, la, la)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
(La, la, la, la, la)
La, la, la, la, la

He taught me how (oh, He taught me how)
To wash (to wash, to wash)
Fight and pray (to fight and pray)
Fight and pray
And he taught me how to live rejoicing
yes, He did (and live rejoicing)
Oh yeah, every, every day (every, every day)
(oh yeah) Every day!

Oh happy day (oh happy day)
Oh happy day, yeah (oh happy day)
When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
When my Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
When Jesus washed (when Jesus washed)
My sins away (oh happy day)
I'm talking about that happy day (oh happy day)

He taught me how (oh yeah, how)
To wash (to wash)
Fight and pray (sing it, sing it, c'mon and sing it)
Fight and pray
And to live
yeah, yeah, c'mon everybody (and live rejoicing every, every day)
Sing it like you mean it, oh....

Oh happy day (oh happy day)
I'm talking about the happy days (oh happy day)
C'mon and talk about the happy days (oh happy day)
Oh, oh, oh happy days (oh happy day)
Ooh talking about happy day (oh happy day)
Oh yeah, I know I'm talking about happy days (oh happy day)
Oh yeah, sing it, sing it, sing it, yeah, yeah (oh happy day)
Oh, oh, oh
Oh happy day...

--
and only just earlier, i chanced upon a blog whose words shed some light of encouragement onto me and left me with food for thought:

"I will not give in to my hardships, failures and letdowns, for that would truly be the ultimate failure. So it is I must press on, reminding myself that I cannot grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time I will reap. In only in Christ Jesus to do I sow for only in him will I reap anything worth attaining."