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read between the lines
shortie whoosh...i'm back. and i have that same light-headed feeling i get when i stay up too late and i'm not used to it. much has happened since i took a break from this. my friend said it was spiritual warfare. it could be. but whatever it is, i know i'm being trained to stretch my limits during this time of prayer.the background to this is, i tried a 40-day prayer about seeking god's will post-graduation (i can't even remember if i mentioned this before here), and it just ended yesterday. result? so what is the answer to the eternal question, figuratively speaking: should i work or should i study? the answer is....... I DON'T KNOW haha. bet you didn't expect that. i know i didn't. but then again i didn't exactly have the expectation that at the end of all this, god has to tell me what to do. of course not. i did hope for it, though. i hoped for a clearer view of what to do. what i do know now is that i know a bit more about the courses i've narrowed down the list that i would go, if that was my path. however, that little bit is not enough to convince me that i should go down that path. and i keep hearing benefits from both sides, especially during these 40 days. another thing about these 40 days: i can definitely see the hand of god moving in this. cos all of a sudden i've had people come up and talk to me / discuss my options for the future, or i would ask them and they'd give me their opinion which helped in unfogging the blurry view ahead of me. i was looking through my pen-and-paper journal again when i got bored in the bus tonight (it was the usual stuck-in-the-jam woodlands jam) and this part from the past i wrote caught my eye: that i have to just trust god that he'll let me know in his own timing on what i should do. speaking about what i should do, it did occur to me at some point that perhaps god wants me to make the decision on my own and he would add his backing to whatever path i decided to take. after all, god's will is not confined to one specific decision. but that didn't exactly help because, up till now, i myself don't really know what path to take. it's not i don't know what i want, because i do and i'd want it to be so preferably, but i realise that what i want might be, like my friend said, far-fetched and so it looks like i'll most likely have to put my dreams / aspirations aside and focus on real life and earning money to support myself sufficiently in the end. yes, yes, i know god is the provider behind my projected supplications but, how much will he provide and to what extent will he allow me to experience his providence through that particular way thus far? these are questions i trust he will answer when he wills it to be so and in the meantime i know i am expected to press on by faith. and i will. and we come back to the issue of faith. faith is practically the crux of our belief in god. and so in a way this form of decision-making and coming to the crossroads is a spiritual thing indeed. and now i am tired and i need to get up in time tomorrow for a planned outing and so i shall go to bed. soon. more to come in the next few nights if i'm free. darn these mozzies. they keep biting my exposed legs, i've got so many bites on the legs especially these past few nights, not just from sitting at the computer. |
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