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read between the lines
in circles we carry this cross and oh such a burden it is to us.no! we should be proud to take part in christ's sufferings, because we will then glory in his glory too...but aih. focusing fully on eternal goals is hard to take in for a grounded-on-earth person. i had some distractions, but they all must fade because there is only so much distraction that god can allow. eventually...the laughter and the noise dies down and all i hear is...silence. not the tranquil kind, but the still, cold, empty silence. and then a wave of beguiling thoughts storm my mind. i have the bible with me. i have prayer as a weapon. and yet it is not instant, the help. it is gradual and sometimes i cannot wait for caterpillar to become butterfly. so instead i try to skip 4 levels and go to the final stage. and it is all futile for whatever success i have achieved or grabbed hold of is fleeting. i see it is an everyday battle. and no, i cannot bank in on yesterday's grace because my account is empty once again today. one pertinent question enters my mind constantly: how to solve? and i know i cannot answer that myself because only god will show me...in his own time. and it sucks to know that, at the end of the day, i have to do this myself. well, not of my own strength la (okla credit goes to my friend for pointing that out, so dun scold me :p), but i still have to make the decision to stick through this and sit this out. ultimately it's still my choice to make and i still have to find the will inside of me to say yes. no one else can help me or take this step of faith for me. but sometimes the whole process just wearies me. and i know that once this problem gets solved, another is on the waiting list. and another, and another and another...right until i die. we're so selfish, all of us. i know i'm not the only one. by nature, we want / would love to be where we were at our happiest moments, our greatest triumphs, our clearest skies. but no, we must move on whether we want to or not. for perfection will not stop its work until it becomes perfect at what it is doing, since it is a perfectionist after all. god wants the best for us. okay, and for me too. but meanwhile he gives us goggles more suited for life here on earth instead of the vision to see farther than the lives we're living. i am naturally not programmed to think and act with that far a future in mind (the future of heaven and christ's second coming i mean). and when i try to do what is not natural to me, it is hard. because it doesn't come naturally. so it is supernatural, like this steven curtis chapman song says ('only natural'). whoopee. i should be glad right? i should be like so glad that i've got the mighty, awesome power of god over me at work in my sufferings and i should boast of them and say i am strongest when i am weak. (right?) but i am not. (not boasting i mean.) instead, i have a puny voice inside of my head asking me how long this is going to take and am i going to remain single forever and is all this really wrong in the first place. definition is another confusing part. the more i think about it and try to define it, the more confused i get. and so eventually, by logical deduction, my most sure answers should be right at the beginning when i am least confused. and so i stick with that, and what god prompts me to lean towards. |
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