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read between the lines
super friday current songlist:push - rob thomas long black train - richard hawley brick - ben folds five do something - macy gray lemon tree - fool's garden video killed the radio star - presidents of the united states closing time - semisonic man, my ears are still ringing with semisonic's familiar piano intro and those banging guitar riffs at the chorus. those were the days, those were the days. innocent tween adolescence and so much promise. and lemon tree. so whimsical that i can't even put the seriousness in the lyrics. the time of glenn ong's damn funny "say it with music" (his on-air presence in stupid Short Fart jokes and witty sarcasm used to be my companion into the late nights) and the like. but anyway, back to reality, it was such unassuming day that it was quite a shock when it happened. (no, nobody died or what.) no fights throughout the day, not even one today as far as i can recall. i even actually made an effort to be extra nice summore. but since it's practically pointless to take note of every single thing i did unless i was a pompous prick, i won't. point is, i never thought i would break the record today. tonight was the first time i have cried in public (and not only that,) in front of my parents ever since i was like, in primary school or something. it was almost as humiliating as peeing in my pants, you get the same stares and the same sinking feeling of just wishing you would get raptured and god would take you up to heaven that very moment. and it was even a fairly regular hangout for us, so the waiters practically knew us. all because of a small argument gone big, especially when my father took on the "fight" (he looked quite ready to hit me actually, which got me even more defensive in my words). the source of the waterworks? i've been trying to pinpoint it and i think the trigger was when my father got up, rallied support from the rest of my family, and just left the table to sit somewhere else away from me. for a split second i had a vision of previous recent times when my family has deliberately chose to sit away from me in public even if we weren't fighting and how rejecting that used to feel. honestly i only intended to cover my face and drip a few tears just to release the tension but it's true what they say that once you start you can't stop. so i was reduced to a blubbering mess with a family that just stood there and stared. oh, and of course in the background my father gave his usual comment of "i don't know why she's crying over such a small thing" (is he blind or what, i wonder). the more i tried to stop, the more i couldn't. finally my mother came over and awkwardly handed me a tissue. sometimes i just don't understand how come my family just doesn't know what to do when a person cries. finally i made myself get up, grab my teh tarik and head to the bathroom to supposedly calm down or at least try to lessen the redness in my eyes, which i couldn't. they just got more and more red. if looks could kill i would have died before i reached the toilet. and of all times the waiters chose to position themselves in my way like construction cones on the road. once there i found i couldn't disapparate like harry potter and so therefore i had to come out, embarassing as it was, eventually. but hey nothing like a little humility to break whatever pride i have left. anyways now that i'm in a more rational mood i think i can face going back there again to eat...it's on the way to jusco when i go out, in any case. back home my faucets were still leaking so i set another stupid record for crying 1 1/2 hours straight (way to go, get yourself sick!). haven't done that one since...at most 4 years. it's a miracle i'm not unwell, in fact i actually feel better from the bout of sore throat and stuffy nose i've been having since sunday, i'm not lying. i'm also thankful my sensitive stomach decided not to give me trouble considering i ate almost nothing until supper at 1am. but if anything, at least i finally got the quiet time i needed, though not in a way i would've liked. what have i found out? some new stuff...here and there. some from personal time, some from my friends' lips. but all coming from god, i believe. whatever it is, i guess i just have to trust that he does have plans to "give (me) a future (i) hope for", which was something new i spotted (the "future you hope for" part from jeremiah, cos from other versions i thought it was just "plans to give you hope and a future"). i don't hope for much, just for me to get out of this tunnel i've been in for so long. i'm like a worm digging my way through in earthdigger (i used to play that like crazy when i was a kid). sometimes i come up against stone walls, then i have to backtrack; sometimes i run into big insects, so i have to fight and overcome or get bitten and retreat. but eventually i'll eat up all the earth when my 100 years are due or whatever and find the way out into open sunlight. p.s. incidentally "trust" is one of the cards that came up in the tarot cards i picked when i did that free reading on sunday. i was told that it meant i needed to trust that the future would hold promise, and the card straight after that was "existence", at which point the girl told me i was seeking for a higher existence or a purpose for my existence, even though i never told her i was a christian.-will explain later. |
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