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read between the lines
you end anyway Irish Hymnby KEVIN MAX Oh no, look at the sun Here it comes Another Monday without warning Man, time shoots down the drain Take a look, your life is over Did you pick a four leaf clover? Any way you end, you end anyway I pray for the rain And then I start to dance insane Won't you follow me then? This one's for all you people Who hit the rock bottom but climbed it back up again This one's for all you people Who hit the rock bottom but climbed it back up again Oh Lord, where are You now? Clouds as dark as midnight Vultures hovering, they cover me I need you now Lead me on and take me somewhere Don't You leave me falling backwards Any way you end, you end anyway I pray for the rain And then I start to dance again Won't you follow me then? This one's for all you people who hit the rock bottom but climbed it back up again This one's for all you people who hit the rock bottom but climbed it back up again This is Me looking at you I can't tell you what we're gonna do girl But I will let you know I will be here standing with the blueprint and the schematic for your life, child This one's for all you people...yeah This one's for all you people...yeah This one's for all you people who hit the rock bottom but climbed right back up again This one's for all you people who hit the rock bottom but climbed it back up again...oh yeah the way out today's job interview was traumatic, to say the least. it was only the fourth since i started jobhunting in may. the third was yesterday, but at least it was quick and painless. today's was slow and painful. it took me the later part of tonight to understand why on earth i came out of that interview feeling mentally exhausted and, by the time i reached my next destination, infinitely sad.i hate prostituting myself (to employers). i don't know if what my mom said was necessarily a good thing to say, but she lamented (or commented with negative undertones) that the jobs these days i look for in sg are jobs where i'm competing with n level and o level students, and have nothing to do with my diploma. which made me think further in my head, then what was the point of getting the diploma in the first place if it has to come down to this? my passport expires end of this month. i do have a new one, but it'll take muuuuuch longer using that one, sadly. i found myself asking god, is this what you want for me? a crap job with a crap employer and crap working hours? forgive me but i was made to think i was meant for better things...and i still do. like, somehow i just cannot bring myself to believe i came through all this (the events that led me here) just to become somebody's minion, a corporate slave. i mean it's not really the ego that's in question here...it's...i mean, i studied this far just to get or try to get a job that doesn't even recognise or need that high the qualifications? doesn't make sense at all. but now that i'm in a more sane mood i guess the only thing to do is to just wait. i know there is a plan, i know there is a way out since You put me here (and You've said You'd never put me in a situation without providing the exit), but i just don't see it. i just pray you would show it to me, the way out. "and I know You know" the great thing about god is you can throw social decorum out the door. and He's fine with it.I Turn Everything Over by SWITCHFOOT Monday found me on my knees again Breathing You in To blur the lines that mark where I begin And where You end No use in trying to pretend Come take me again 'Cause rumor has it I'm not who I've been Come define me What can we do If the rumors are true? I turn everything over I turn myself in I turn everything over I turn myself in There's nothing left of me to defend I turn everything over I turn myself in, yeah The evidence convicts the hollow men After looking inside To my dismay I find I'm just one of them 'Cause I'm an already but not yet resurrected fallen man Come break this limbo And I know You know just who I've been Come define me What can we do If the rumors are true? I turn everything over I turn myself in I turn everything over I turn myself in There's nothing left of me to defend I turn everything over I turn myself in, yeah Rumor has it You love me Rumor has it the world spins upside down Rumor has it my only hope is You And the rumors are true I turn everything over droning first night (as of midnight) of my almost-one-week holiday. thank god...it's about time. not that i'm saying work isn't great, which it is, but when you find yourself not being able to focus at times because you have a lot on your mind...that's not good.there's a lot i'd like to do during the hols but with the haze and my new cold it might not be so easy. how silly that i spend days on end outside and never get sick, but i fall ill while in the office. sore throat on tuesday, down with cold on thursday. and till today, panadol c only helps to suppress the symptoms, not cure them, from what i'm seeing. the minute the pill wears off, my nose starts sniffling and i constantly feel like i'm mildly sedated. ugh. i miss playing the piano. dearly. i mean i do get asked to play pretty often, but i rarely have it all to myself. was pressing down different sets of keys with both my palms absentmindedly over break-time last practice and my worship leader said i sounded like a primary-school kid. i said i just wanted to hear all the notes. think i'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms. which i am going to fix these hols...but it's real sad i gotta pay to play. what happened to the days when i could walk over to friends' houses and just crash their pianos? now that they've all left the nest, it's not like i can just knock on their doors and ask, "er, aunty ah, can i use your son's / daughter's piano for awhile?" i think i'll end my monologue here, since nothing else that's in my head is worth saying. i'm tired of the old ways. my stomach's starting to churn anyway. obey the stomach. obey the stomach. perhaps "you've gotta reach a compromise within urself... where... you're making the effort to connect... yet still can tolerate that's it's not totally you..." --what a friend said a few months ago seems like everyone likes me only when i'm not serious. i never really cared, as long as it was company, until dang that wyeff had to go propose that notion last week which i don't quite know how to digest. i mean, while laughing at crap jokes, comparing who can eat more ice-cream and debating about whether leonardo dicaprio is still considered hot property is cool and all for chilling out or breaking the ice, i'm not always like that, and i'm pretty sure everyone isn't too, unless they were born airheads. there has to be a balance between play and serious talk, to add dimension and depth, because if trends and toilet humour is all there is to talk about every time, i feel that it...lacks substance. i was thinking again today of how people respond positively to me when i keep things light-hearted but how they have such an adverse reaction when i start to get the least bit into serious conversation, when suddenly it dawned on me...usually, when i hold people at arm's length, i want them to remain an acquaintance (i.e. nominal friend) and nothing more. perhaps wyeff was right after all. but i never quite saw it that way until today. bah, but my thoughts seem to change everyday on the matter. who knows i might wake up tomorrow with another conclusion. but at least there's one constant in all this...g-o-d. nothing comes easy "life is scary. get used to it! there are no quick fixes...""nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy." -- Bob Kelso, Scrubs it's funny, but i was actually thinking of throwing in the towel until i heard the above tonight. not that i hadn't seen the episode before, and the last time it came it did have some noticeable impact on my life, but when i saw it again it was timely for a different reason. this slow but meaningful song popped into my head in the evening and then it made me want to listen to it. *looks up* thanks, god. Satisfied by PAROUSIA this is more than enough for me im grateful for the providence you've promised me and i'm looking forward to what you have in store for me i know that you've got my very best interest at heart and there's no need to worrry no need to fret no need for uneasiness satisfied what a priceless treasure it is to be content to wish for nothing more than i have right now you will take care of me i know that now how would it profit me if i went running after belongings that soon would fade? a neverending chase for unconditional happiness when all that i want is here in the palm of my hands so i'm learning to trust you trust even when i dont know what to expect satisfied what a priceless treasure it is to be content to wish for nothing more than i have right now if you take care of me yes i will be satisfied what a priceless treasure it is to be content to wish for nothing more than i have right now you will take care of me i know that now my friends aren't real? i've been chewing on some food for thought wyeff gave all week and i still am not able to digest it. i've dissected it, looked at it from many angles, thought many thoughts, but somehow or other my mind can't quite get itself to take sides, or stay in one side for long, because i'm just muddled about the whole thing. i don't know what's truth and what's not.i have so many theories and responses to it, but i am not going to waste my time writing them out. but basically, the gist of it is, i was commenting on how people can't take the real me, so i have to keep a lot to myself, and then wyeff proposed the notion that i don't have any real friends, because a real friend accepts someone for who they really are. i was against it but now i'm not so sure any more. things i've noticed 1. romans 7: 14-25. my mind is clear.2. my family is driving me insane. i hate this stupid cycle. they build it up, i tahan, until i cannot tahan and then i explode. and then i feel weak and drained and just terrible, and then my parents back off for a while, and then the whole thing starts all over again. i want to die. i want to smash things up or scream my lungs out or run away for real, all of which i don't do because i know is not right. but that's what it feels like at times. 3. "I hear the second you stop fighting, time really is on your side." -- J.D., Scrubs (taken out of J.D.'s regular closing summary, which he never fails to do at the last few seconds of every episode)
ism(s) 1. when i am very, very angry or stressed, i get very, very hungry.and i was very, very hungry tonight. the worst part was it began when i just got into the bath so there was nothing i could do for about another hour or so. 2. my mother doesn't mother me, she smothers me. why can't she just get over the fact that i'm no longer a baby and i actually have my own life to live? and for once i would like to hear her say she approves of me, instead of criticising every move i make. seems like everything i do is never good enough, is never 'worthy' of praise. she's even worse than miranda priestly in the devil wears prada. 3. home is where the hell is. i don't know why but lately, there's been nights i even start to cry (read: tear up lightly) when i know my time of quiet outside is up and i have to make the trip back home. there are a lot of things i do only because for god, i would do anything, and this is one of them. in normal circumstances, i just wouldn't have the strength or mental capacity to walk back and face it all, whether it's this issue or other issues. signs i'm still pretty much wide awake (more alert than usual tonight) so i think i'll note down something really cool (and special) today for reference's sake.this afternoon at the spot where i was praying, i was resting my elbows on the table and sitting on a very comfortable couch,when i accidentally kicked the table, looked down instinctively....and saw two banded strands of hair in the formation of a cross directly below where i was resting my hands. choose to believe me or not, but honestly i spent quite a few minutes looking at the thing and it really looked like there was no way the strands could've just accidentally formed a cross so straight and so aligned..like that. i think it's pretty cool...and assuring. and heartening and lovely and flabbergasting. it got me thinking and realising that every time i've gone out somewhere to pray in recent past, god never fails to show me signs and events of providence beyond the possibility of chance. things i've never even told anyone about that i am in need of that somehow just get provided over the day by some kind samaritan god has chosen to work through. besides, i've never believed in chance anyway, since everything is planned. but i think more than just these signs, the fact that He protects me wherever i go (especially around jb) is what matters the most. i don't know what's gotten into me, but ever since my last fast, i've tried more different things and been to more new places than i've ever been compared to normal. it helps too that i have the cash to go around exploring...and it's been really rewarding. and it makes life interesting, i guess. in a nice way. man i hate it when people use that phrase to refer to suffering. okay. finally i'm feeling sleepy. that means it's time to shut up now or i'll say something stupid. again. i always say this and i'll say it again: man, i wish the night had longer hours. i think the night will be less of a novelty once i live away from my family...then there'd be more time of peace and quiet in the day other than just a few limited hours every night.
misperceptions like i said, i don't know why (or rather i know why but i still find it hard to swallow) the public has this overall impression of me being thick-skinned and possessing a devil-may-care attitude. somehow they think anybody can just hurl brickbats at me and i can just catch them with my teeth and spit them out with imperturbability.take this for instance. a friend asked me if i would like the job she just quit, which involved uploading content for the local newspaper. mentioned all the benefits -- ending work early, 4-days-a-week, reasonably okay pay, and most importantly, an sg job -- and then, when pressed, told me why she quit in the first place. she said, "okay, i'll tell you, but i know you're not affected by these kinds of things so it shouldn't be a problem." she then proceeded to tell me that the supervisor under her boss (but over her) was sabotaging her work by wiping out sections of her work and handing it over, unfinished, to the boss almost every time. so she was getting a pretty bad rep from all sides. thanks ah, friend, for holding me in such high esteem. hargh. okay, so i guess i'm not letting on more than i choose to let on to the public, but then again, i've realised that honestly, very few people on this earth can really take what i really am like. and even so, those people have only seen bits and pieces of me beyond the surface. i don't have to conduct trial-and-error sessions to tell that most people only have a limited capacity for how much they can stomach. i would be considered a maniac by medical standards, especially when i hit different polarities intermittently. but bah with psychology, most of the 'medical' conditions are questionable anyway... i guess it would make sense that the only person who can handle the real me in all its fullness, as in the one stripped of all its christ-endowed properties and whatever 'perks' (or fruit) from walking with god...is the one Himself who brought me into existence. i don't know that's a good or bad thing, the fact that after all these years i can still be so volatile. or maybe these are just the crazy years and i'll 'stabilise' when i become a boring old fart (which i hope never to be, by the way). |
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