|
|
|
read between the lines
floating thoughts i have to get up early tomorrow yet my mind refuses to sleep in rebellion. to save time i will not bother to rearrange my written thoughts tonight. so you will have the whole shit here. enjoy looking into the thought processes of a scatterbrain.-- Muse is my current muse. they were at fort canning last week, but the gals couldn't go..so they decided to compensate by playing muse all day in the office, and successfully converted me into a muse fan even though before that all i heard was the oft-played supermassive black hole. all their songs seem to have an astronomical theme (amidst very down-to-earth issues of the heart)...with equally otherworldly noise. which works for me...i've always looked forward to a marriage of rock and astronomy, my two loves. starlight with the piano intro instantly hooked me. ditto for map of the problematique. -- i've realised that if i see the worth in something and am sure of it, i will totally go all out for it, no matter how inconvenient it is. realised that if i replace 'something' with 'someone' it would apply too. lately i have not been sure of many things, and even worse, am not even sure if they are worth something anymore. and because of this roadblock, it prevents me from pledging my full-time commitment to things, because naturally i want to be sure of something before i throw myself into it, full throttle. -- realised i have very different priorities from the rest, apart from the usual and necessary common ones, the evidence of which can be seen in my appearance, the things i do, the choices i make, the life i lead. realised even further that it was because i place different worth and value on the same things people might place their worth and value on. and that for some things others have got it right (read: are closer to the actual worth or value as defined by god), while for other things it's the other way round. -- perkara-perkara yang tidak difahami you why are you here again? i never quite seem to shake you off you destroy my confidence take away my security leave me afraid and fragile what do i do? what do i do? what do i do? i see myself destroying everything i touch because of you is that what you want? do you want me to eventually self-destruct? what do i do? what do i do? what would You have me do, god? i don't understand. i wish i did or knew how to deal with you and you why are you still here? why won't you leave me alone and just let me die why do you care? why? WHY? stop patronising me. i'm sick of the lies that it's hard to believe the truth i want to give up. but you're not letting me even that also i cannot do...aigh resignation and frustration. explorations i think part of the reason why i always seem to be unable to gain weight is the fact that i walk around so much in a day. and when you put together the fact that i (a) like walking around (does not apply to shopping malls), (b) like exploring new places (particularly in the evenings or night so i don't sweat buckets) and (c) am very free to do such things, what you get are mini self-discovery trips conducted impromptu, almost every other day.usually i don't take photos of the places i visit, let alone blog about them, but, this month i (a) decided to make use of my palm, even though it's not much of a camera since it can neither zoom nor increase in sharpness and (b) am too bored for nuts so to entertain myself i will indulge in a little photoblogging. these are some (not all) of the places i've stumbled upon, as of last week (see below). see if you can figure out where these places are (hint: they're all located within the same vicinity):        i especially like this plaque...   ...because it reminds me of the phrase "He died that we might live". and this one is beyond reason:  *inflatable man crushed by inflatable cows *masuk angin? yeah, definitely...kepala masuk angin (which literally translates into air-headed in malay), that is. i also visited a familiar place:      they were visually arresting so i just had to take a few shots despite already knowing the place.note: i deliberately included my vaguest, most close-up shots to pique interest, provide a fresh angle and provide some form of anonymity to the location (though for some it's really obvious where i was standing at).
two conversations 1.i discovered a cd shop that sells used (but in good condition) cds that are worth the price (i.e. cheaper than buying cds back home)....and it had two more albums to add to my missing duran duran collection (someone else not me EP and liberty)! sadly, the much coveted wedding album was not around...but i ended up waxing lyrical with the cd shop owner about the band's songs. he is only the third person i've known in my entire life so far to actually know the songs of one complete album. he was telling me he and his classmates first started listening to them when he was in secondary 1, which was basically when i was still a wee little toddler. and then we started discussing some of the band's popular tunes...and our favourites. of course, i thoroughly enjoyed the conversation because of its rarity (where on earth can you find duranies these days, let alone nickolites?). one of life's rare treasures, conversation-wise. sadly, i have yet to find a genuine similar-minded duran duran fan (must know more than one album's songs and band member information) as far as anyone goes. 2. another rare conversation of great personal value was tonight's one. met up with an old friend who engaged me in some pretty good intellectual discourse. topics we covered included science and religion, how a local chinese really isn't chinese, disillusionment of the current young adults (how most value things that really have no value) and how it is reflected in the media, the definition of self and other things. okay, so it wasn't all that deep considering most issues didn't cause one to exercise a huge amount of their grey matter, but it was way better than talking about the mundane routines of life and upcoming events purely at face value. i can practically close my eyes (read: be half-asleep) and talk about trite conversation like that but i'd sure have to be wide awake (read: paying attention) to talk about the meaning of life and the like. i relished the conversation like i lick ice-cream. except that ice-cream is readily available whereas conversations like these aren't. once again, this was a rarity and...i believe there are only two other people i know who can really engage on that level, or even want to engage on that level, for that matter. which is why i don't protest when people say i come from another planet (least of all venus), or as my friend put it, am a person with a lot of idiosyncrasies. haha. office boredom working past the official hours alone in the office can get pretty boring. so i decided to play I Spy and see what my little eye could find: this is one of my colleague's seats. and that big smacking red lips there is called the butt-kisser. i can see why, though personally i hate cushions and extra stuff to plant my ass on. i am always flinging the bamboo mat or leather pillow in my mom's car to one side every time i sit in front back home. i received this in the mail together with the documents i was supposed to sort out. wow....s'pore mail is so gracious. back home, you either never get the mail (dumped in some rubbish bin somewhere), you find it koyak (malay for torn), or you get it ripped out and re-taped messily with scotch tape, with its valuable contents emptied out. save for the letter your friend, aunty or magazine subscription officer gave you that says he or she was enclosing a something (book, cd, magazine, anything the postman finds worth taking) for you in that package.or, better yet, if the postman has a grudge against your dogs for ferociously barking at him everytime he comes up to the gate, instead of dumping it into the letterbox like he is supposed to do, he throws it to the dogs who gladly bite it to tatters, which is exactly what the postman wants. i also took a bunch of cheeky photos of yours truly making faces in the office but i shall not post them here for fear of blackmail! haha. besides that is so...common. long overdue i was going to forget about it, but since i promised a few posts ago i'd do it (and since someone keeps kacauing me about it), i will do that long overdue update about that little camp i mentioned. just a smaller-than-usual piece. and a different angle from your average "oh, i went and did this and then we did that" event coverage.i was kinda glad in a way that i didn't leave camp on a spiritual plateau. i stopped believing in (temporary) spiritual highs in camps after i realised that they were almost certainly followed by equally dramatic spiritual lows. i mean, there's enough valleys in this life, so why add to them? however, that's not to say i left without being impacted. i went away with a more stable spiritual condition and a quiet yet growing resolve to carry on the things i must do. i learnt a lot too, though initially it looked like i might not when i found out the structure of the talks were kind of different this time round. but god is good, and when He needs to get the message across He will, one way or another, through various means. i was also aware that a new year was merely days away so i set aside time to reflect as well as plan ahead. i also was pushed to make a few commitments at the camp to follow through within the coming year (unfortunately or not, we were challenged to make a few faith steps), some of which, predictably got tested as early as a few days after new year's day. it is my sincere hope that i do not forget nor fail to act on my commitments, and to pray over them constantly throughout this year. we shall see in time to come. in addition to that, i also committed to a few personal goals (resolutions sounds like such a bad word, considering most people don't even keep them and end up recycling them every year) of my own to achieve, based on what God had revealed to me thus far. so with renewed hope, i look forward to a better me this year. p.s. speaking of a better me, i am such an idiot for doing what i did today. i really should have known better than to reciprocate my landlady's questionable actions, and it ended up causing a lot of misconstrued perceptions for both parties, which i had to promptly apply damage control to. shows i'm still pretty much the same ignoramus i've always been when it comes to handling people appropriately.
first cooking attempt  yesterday marked the first time i started cooking a proper dinner in my entire life! i celebrated by taking photos of the monumental dish, which, i will upload once i get back to my home pc (since my laptop here doesn't have the palm installed). okay, so i cheated...since salad and tomatoes don't need cooking, and er...the chicken was already cooked and glazed, and the porridge was an instant packet meal, but hey, it was a proper dish and i bought all the ingredients for once! usually i'd just do instant noodles and a fried egg cooked in butter...or a soft-boiled egg in soya sauce, depending on my mood. and maybe a can of tuna, but that was about it. anyway today i did cook the chicken...sorta. i kinda re-cooked it..so i think that counts. yes, i had to eat home again to finish up the food i bought before it gets all rotten (and will be doing so for another two days). i took a photo of tonight's second cooked meal too, because it had...a little variation, haha.but yes, i was pretty proud of myself for buying the ingredients and actually getting to prepare dinner by myself without anyone telling me i would burn the house down nor dictate orders for me to follow. one small step for man, one giant leap for freedom! in the news mildsad to know that the o.c. got cancelled in the u.s. and will not be returning for a fifth season..the fourth just only started showing here last week...and dang i missed it. mild also a little disappointed that the only christian bookshop near my workplace has closed last week...there was a little sign telling us to go to its next nearest branch in future, which is, though near, not within walking range. strong and i still find it hard to stomach that my state has been put on 'red alert' and might be declared in a state of emergency if needed. it seems too incredulous to believe, even more so with the fact that the sole cause of this heightened national alert is because of record high-level floods that don't exactly occur in the district i'm staying in, which is a big one by the way. but i thank god death tolls are not by the hundreds, nor even up to a hundred, and the situation, though desperate, is not so dire like when the nation's first tsunami struck us (what a record for all those textbooks that said major natural disasters don't hit us here). with that said, i am really disappointed by reports that rescue boats are taking the opportunity (since the first round of floods last month) to demand a fricking fee just to get saved. (how inhumane can these losers be, to let people risk the prospect of dying just because they want to gain a few extra bucks?) even more disturbing are reports that rescue boats rescue the malays first and either leave the chinese stranded or save them at a price, i.e. extortion. (seriously, does a saved life have to depend on the colour of one's skin? what else can be said; the news speaks for itself.) unimpressed with misimpression it just occured to me that the one thing that both drives me up the wall (not in an angst-filled way but in the way an ant bite still itches long after the ant has bitten) and turns me off is when a person or people get the wrong impression of me. which, i know, is a mistake everyone makes towards everybody on earth at at least a few points and times in their lives.but it gets to be too much to take when the degree of misreading me is consistently high, even after countless explanations. this is most probably due to the fact that the person has typecast me to forever fit this mistaken mould that this person has placed me in, which makes everything i say fall on deaf ears. and i, knowing myself, am a person who is very hard to read accurately most of the time, causing me to be misread, misinterpreted and therefore resulting in people having the wrong impression of me. which would mean that a significant number of people put me off. i feel a bit autistic in this sense, because i don't know how to communicate well face-to-face and work much better when given the time and space to write it out. i particularly detest some of the labels my forehead seems to come attached with, and no, the most detestable label is not 'weird'. so i see two options from here: either i express myself more clearly, or make the "it doesn't matter what others think" mantra a reality. i'm still working on both at this moment. or should i say i'm still being worked on, since change in character is not largely nor solely of my own effort. doubt your doubts i don't know what i'd do without the holy spirit's discernment.apparently all my problems stem from one root, and that one root is the result of an unfulfilled need. speaking of being rooted, i'm so unsure of so many things that it makes it hard for me to be firmly rooted. and if i'm not firmly rooted, i cannot grow well. like i said, i don't know what i'd do without the holy spirit's discernment. Ode To Chin by SWITCHFOOT What's your direction? Tell me what's wrong Tell me what's right What's your direction? Think about somebody Else for the night Life's more than girls God's more than words You're more than this So what's your direction And where are you now? Grow, grow where you are Anchor your roots underneath "Doubt your doubts And believe your beliefs" What's your direction? What matters most is what You do now What's your direction? All that you've been makes Who you are now 'Cause I've been ashamed I've been a fool you know I've backed down When I lose direction I pray to be found Grow, grow where you are Anchor your roots underneath "Doubt your doubts And believe your beliefs" Grow, grow where you are Anchor your roots underneath "Doubt your doubts And believe your beliefs" much afraid Much Afraidby JARS OF CLAY Empty again Sunken down so far So scared to fall I might not get up again So I lay at your feet All my brokenness I carry all of my burdens to you All of these things I've held up in vain No reason nor rhyme Just the scars that remain Of all of these things I'm so much afraid Scared out of my mind By the demons I've made Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go So happy to love Yet so far to go You lead me on to where I've never been before All of these things I've held up in vain No reason nor rhyme Just the scars that remain Of all of these things I'm so much afraid Scared out of my mind By the demons I've made Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go Sweet Jesus, you never let me go Sweet Jesus, you never let me go -- a lot to chew on since the new year started...including the revelation that i am much afraid of certain things...and it is these fears that hold me back, to a certain extent. not fear of the trembling, breaking-out-in-cold-sweat kind, but nonetheless a valid fear that leaves me afraid to progress with significant, interconnected areas in my life. and one thing i really, really have to learn is that it's okay to fail. it's okay to have the world crash and burn before your very eyes. it's okay to get hurt even though there were times you felt you would never heal. speaking of healing. old wounds are always there and the Healer binds them up. but they always get reopened and the Healer has to do His work again. i have yet to come to a point where someone can stab me and i can not bleed profusely. and so the body, in self-defence, does what it knows best: protects itself. it is very hesitant to loosen up because it knows what will happen. but the problem with putting up barriers is, not only does it keep out the bad, but it can also keep out good. unfortunately, now that i am aware i have some kind of fear problem, i don't quite know how to deal with it. it is not one of those clear-cut things where you can just face the music and confront your fears. i don't even know what music to listen out for or where it's coming from. all i know is i'm supposed to wait for the answers. to watch and pray. and to be open to change, which i am, as unlikely as that sounds. thankfully for me, the need to do what christ wills me to do is greater than my fears. i thank god for revealing so much at the start of the new year, so that it leaves room for the rest of the year to work on in this continual yet gradual process of moulding and refining me to be more like my Maker. aural tidbits don't have the time to update now (work tomorrow...agh, even though i really love my current job, i'd study any day, man), so i shall just leave whoever's reading with some aural treats.1) kevin max's holy night album they finally fixed up a better flash player for his album's promo site (one that preloads the songs much faster instead of lagging like previously) and made the very wise decision to upload all the album's songs. my favourite picks would be o holy night, joy to the world and o little town of bethlehem. i don't know why, but the last song especially, it sounds like the background music for a gameboy-based game i must have played before. haha. 2) radiohead's high and dry one of the songs of my younger teenage years, and quite possibly, of the average younger teenager at the time. i'd kind of forgotten about it or not thought of it much, until i started work, when i discovered that my colleague has this song in her computer. after that i kind of played it more often, to varying levels of frequency, depending on my mood. the lyrics are so representative of the confusing years of adolescence and i just can't get enough of the drum beat, which captures one's attention right at the start. the story of how the song came about can be found here (the quotes worth reading are right at the bottom). wow what a dramatic start to a new year.it had been raining at the place where i was stranded. "God," i said. "Don't you care that i'm about to be back late?" (i had things to do early tomorrow but right now i'm no longer in the mood to sleep.) i had been pleading (or rather, nagging) with Him, trying to get Him to stop or at least lighten the rain so i could go across. and it had already been 20 minutes, where usually He would just have done so in a shorter time frame (yes, my god is great). finally i decided to just run in the rain. the first thing i saw when i reached the void deck of my flat was a blue-and-white police strip of tape. my initial reaction was that some idiot decided to play a new year prank and 'deck the pillars with strips of police tape'. and then i saw two police officers. one of them was on a walkie talkie and the other was peering into a camping tent with the word 'police' emblazoned on it. it was still raining lightly. "Ooh," i thought. "The police are camping out tonight. Maybe they're holding a watch night for that beggar guy i saw sleeping here the other day." (what on earth was i thinking??) and so i took the lift up to the highest floor, which is the only way to get to my place since it's one floor below and the lift only stops at certain floors. the doors opened to the sight of a policeman and a walkie talkie who asked me if i lived here. naturally that was my cue to ask what in the world just happened, and did someone...did someone actually take a suicide leap a few minutes ago (finally, my brain started working). following which, i heard the reply in the affirmative, and the reason the cop was there was because the police suspected that the victim jumped from this floor. upon further probing, i found out that the 'camping tent' i saw earlier held the body of the poor soul. i was still pretty much dazed and in unbelief at that point, so i just walked into my landlady's place, where only her husband was up, and blurted out in a very 'blur' fashion what i just found out. i slowly watched his reaction turn from puzzled to pale to panicky. he was starting to spook me out too. and then the next thing he did is look out the window towards the void deck. thankfully none of the windows in this flat have any views of that potentially gruesome sight. when i entered my room, then only did the truth sink in. i thought, of all the blocks in s'pore, someone just had to kill themselves here. prayers were said for the said person and his/her family. as well as prayers for protection over my landlady's family and i. (true singapore ghost stories so influenced me that i still remember certain accounts of what i read in the past.) and as i pondered over what had just happened over my bath, it finally dawned on me that it was a pretty good thing god delayed me from coming home earlier tonight. because i can say for sure i would not be able to sleep, eat nor work properly had i been forced to witness the awful sight of a person falling down from the sky, or mangled, bloody body parts akin to pieces of a squashed watermelon. thank god. (not for the tragedy, but for sparing me the awful sight.) by the way, a word of strong advice: people who jump are not stupid or brainless. i used to think that was so the first time someone remotely related to me died that way...until god dealt with me on that, oh yeah He did. past-year reflections just got back from the annual camp i mentioned, so pardon my absence. and in response to the comment that i don't blog as much, well, first of all, i'm not at home anymore; secondly, other more pressing things came up that i felt were of a higher priority than..this, and thirdly, lately i haven't exactly had new nuggets of wisdom (usually inspired from above) to write on. it's not that i cannot write, it's rather that i find nothing worth writing about that i should write.but now, with it being the new year (and hence time for a look at the past year), i do have something to write on. what a headache writing this, haha. i have thought (and tried) long and hard to come up with a condensed (not necesarily short, but shorter) version of this entry's topic (it basically means a recollection of what god has been doing and how He has been working in my life and the lives of others over the past year), and this post is, i think, the most suitable (and condensed) attempt of all. obviously i cannot put all my lessons in one post, and even more obviously i can't even put all the notable lessons in one post, so this is not the complete list of everything important that's happened. a few firsts (as in life's record-breakers) in point form to ease digestion: -i finally got a driving licence (punches fist in the air) -first time i've ever gotten self-supporting income -i got a proper job (see previous point) and i moved out to live on my own (well sort of) -i had the money to do a lot of things, like this really unheard-of (and to some, disagreeable) way of renting hotel rooms to get that much-craved quality time with god, among others -finally got to do a proper night walk (see p.s. in second previous post) not too long ago in which s'pore turned into a tiny little town where i could walk, stop at 24-hour eateries and then continue walking again. i find it surreal (in which senses are heightened) and yet calming to be able to talk to god at unearthly hours while traipsing around. -and many others... and further events from here onwards. 2006 was the year i started to have hope injected into my life, after a bout of relatively dismal thinking. thanks to two prophecies at the start of the year (which were self-fulfilling in a way) and a handful of useful advice, i started to see light finally show at the end of this dark tunnel. it was also a year of taking leaps of faith and trusting in god's plans for my uncertain-looking future (i was pretty much myopic at certain points in terms of looking ahead). i trusted god for a whole lotta things...but basically they centered around what path to take after i finished schooling. and i thank god that very early on, god granted me the overwhelming, much-needed peace regarding this issue that avoid a lot of unnecessary panicking over the next few months. another thing i am definitely grateful to god for is how he revealed a deeper level of his love to me this year, thereby eliminating my nagging loneliness and single status at the start of the year. blame it on people constantly asking me when i would hook up, and the fact that i my social circle of friends from school officially ended in february when school stopped, but yeah i wasn't exactly enjoying remaining single for god at the time. but thanks be to god that over the second half of the year, he showed me more of his love, a love so great and so encompassing that the substitutes of this world fail to match up. finally, i started to appreciate how truly freeing it is to remain unattached and had my eyes opened to what exactly true love is and how it is so readily available from god without condition or limit. last but not least, this past year was also a year of positively-answered prayer. if the previous years' answers to prayers were "no" or "wait", 2006's were "yes". over these twelve months i saw a lot of fulfilled prayers that came to completion in not only my life but the lives of others. as usual, i extend my heartfelt thanks to every one of you who upheld me in prayer or joined forces to combine prayers. so here's to a new year, new challenges, new people, new...everything. and hopefully a new, wiser self as well. admittedly i can still be rather ignorant or stupid (take your pick) in certain things. but at least i know when i fall on my face, god will be there to pick me up. |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}