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read between the lines
to update or not update after vacillating, for some time, between whether i should update my entries starting from where i last stopped, or from the date of posting itself, i have decided on the latter for good. yes, ultimately it might take me very long to catch up on the backlog of events i have yet to mention, but someday -- hopefully someday soon -- i will be able to sit down, have a few free hours to use the 'net and type everything out.reason being, i am now finding it very hard to see the big picture if i write sporadically only in bits and pieces here and there. and without the big picture it is very difficult to accurately reason with and conclude the issues that have been happening in my life. i find myself coming up with half-baked derivations rather than whole descriptions of what god is teaching me. this much is what i know thus far, so no further updates from me until i next have (lots of) time. later note: that 'someday' of updating things came one year later. haha. re: what i learnt this week as i sat eating dinner alone, there was this overwhelming sense that god needed to let me know something through showing me past events that illustrated how despondent i used to be, not too long ago, contrasted against recent past events that illustrated otherwise. i gradually felt He was telling me that yesterday's assertion about me giving the wrong impression of Him was more of a loose allegory originally intended by the other party to remind me to 'walk the talk', instead of to imply i had not been doing my job well as a reflector of His character.i sensed Him telling me He was pleased with how i was living my life and that He loved me, and that it wasn't about whether or not i was reflecting Him in the best light possible, but it was more about my heart posture that really mattered to Him -- so i did not need to feel like i had disappointed Him (read: felt guilty) in any way by not painting a good picture of Him. i also felt Him saying that victory (of retaining full joy and overcoming a negative spirit) was indeed sure and eventual, and was definitely working its way into my life, and that i should not be discouraged but be encouraged by the remembrance that who i am today is a far cry from who i was before -- proof that His work of restoration is taking place within me and will continue to completion. what a grateful thing to have a god who speaks to me and alerts me to any deceptions or misinterpretations to keep me on track. what i learnt this week something from my past -- the fifth to date, since the new year -- returned to plague me again today. of course i was affected initially. of course it did perturb me and it got me thinking, as i did for the other four, will history keep repeating itself? and is there no new future for me, no start of 'the new has come and the old has gone'?but then the words from a friend (or at least what i interpreted from them) on thursday drifted into my mind: maybe the inward change that i've been seeking and hoping for this new year is supposed to rise out of the same set of circumstances i've been encountering, not new ones. i am decidedly more hopeful and prone to thoughts of joy nowadays; my issue is that i fail to let them register in my mind and choose instead to dwell longer on the negative than on the positive, having been so used to the routine of the former and not the latter yet. by doing so, i gave the impression i was serving a god who didn't love me, who was more focused on whipping me into perfection instead of really caring about me, i was told today. which, of course, when put that way, is absurd because it just makes the truth more glaringly obvious than ever. i had forgotten that whatever i do reflects, either accurately or inaccurately, the character of the god i serve. the second thing that god made me realise this week, in my own time with Him, was the root cause of why i was feeling so disturbed, unsettled and troubled for most of this past week: underlying guilt -- an issue i fought with and won, but failed to hold victory ground on, two years ago. and the thing was, i felt guilty for the stupidest of reasons, once god pointed them out to me. they weren't feelings of guilt born out of the holy spirit's conviction that i needed to set things right; they were born out of imagined fears and insecurities, more so. mostly i just felt guilty whenever i screwed up after getting frustrated for screwing up. i guess it's easier to accord blame onto myself than onto anyone else because i'm the only one who can't run away from me and i suppose growing up being constantly blamed for everything as a result of my responsibilities, as the oldest child, to take the heat only helped to encourage that kind of thinking. but old habits die hard and more importantly, if i am not secure (in christ) i cannot be immune to innocuously-disguised guilt attacks and joy robbers. and how to rest secure in Him consistently is something i'm still learning to do and need to do, if i am to ever take hold of this life and live it victoriously, instead of merely surviving enough to make it through each day. gone in <60 seconds the day right after my last post, bam! my resolve was put to the test again. on monday itself my bulky old nokia 3310 got stolen within seconds at the jb customs due to my carelessness in leaving the front zipper of my bag open during the time i got out of the car, went through the passport-stamping area and proceeded to board the bus. that's when i fumbled for my ez-link card and realised my phone, which i was fiddling with in the car, was gone.my worst fears were confirmed when i got to the s'pore side (jb customs is really bad in the sense that it doesn't have a public phone in any of its premises) and used one of the public phones to call my number, which was disengaged halfway the first attempt and then out of service the following attempts (meaning the phone was deliberately switched off). so there you go, my phone of six years, gone within a matter of seconds due to simple folly and the logical assumption that no one would be desperate enough to steal a phone with a trade-in value of rm50. but apparently i was wrong. then began the headache of calling my mom to come and fetch me, calling my agent to ask her to tell my boss (i couldn't remember her number) i wouldn't be able to come into work for the day and making the necessary police reports and barring of lines. i was able to retain my local line's number and remaining credit (not counting the rm10 or so that the thief had been frantically using up), but was unfortunately unable to say the same for my foreign line (the operator had a different policy), which was sad because it was such an easy-to-remember number code consisting of four repeated numbers. what's even sadder is the new foreign number i got (again, different policy so i had a limited choice of less than 10 equally befuddling number codes) is hard to remember and has less repetition of its numbers. and of course i had to get a new phone, which was another headache. it had been my eventual ambition to own a nokia 7360 if i ever was to get a new phone (i gave up totally after my first attempt at purchasing a brand new motorola c650 ended with the phone screwing up every few days and having my data wiped out by the warranty repairmen), which was why i decided to purchase it in jb, after hunting high and low for this rare phone. not only was the warranty card from a different phone and wasn't even free (i had to fork out rm99 for it, i mean who pays for warranty cards unless you're in a corrupt society?), but i found out days later to my chagrin that this 'brand new' phone had its previous owner's information stored on it with burn marks at the charger cable socket and was non-refundable when my family and i went down to complain. the boss-in-charge mumbled something about having to go somewhere before making himself scarce and left us with his employees to deal with us (he only re-emerged as we walked away). like i said, a corrupt society. his employees, meanwhile, maintained that the phone was still "brand new" as it was a "display set" and that the information stored inside was a result of people testing out their SIM cards on the phone. what kind of brand new phone is that? unfortunately after arguing for over an hour, they stuck to their guns and the only option left was to keep the phone or choose one of similar value. of course there was no phone that cost exactly what i paid for so we had to settle for a slightly more expensive nokia 6300 meaning we had to fork out two hundred bucks more. and just when i thought the nightmare was over, i realised they got away with murder by giving me a faulty battery that dies within half a day and a charger whose 3-pin prongs couldn't fit into the socket holes you find in this part of the world. this charger even had an rm55.90 price tag attached to it and when we finally went to the original nokia shop, they told us this pin prong only exists in european countries. once again, corrupt society :S. so i then incurred more costs by having to buy the original battery and charger since, judging from the experience we had there, no amount of arguing was going to make them return anything. sigh. first week of 2008 i'm moaning in mock horror because now i've really got a huge pile of stuff to update from here. i just haven't had the time to. whatever time i get is either not at the computer or used to catch up on sleep (yes, imagine that. me, the person who thinks sleep is a waste of time is using her free time to sleep.) but that's because i had an epiphany one day and realised one key factor that really affects my disposition for the day is how much sleep i've had the night before.but some quick notes on the new year would be that so far, it's starting out surprisingly well. if the first week was to be a representation of how this whole year would be like, then the forecast would be that this year is a promising one, full of the positive change i've been waiting and praying for. circumstances remained the same yet i did not. and it was really unbelievable, the small victories that god allowed me to win this past week, upon reflection today. victories like these: -something bad happened and it was on the tip of my tongue to swear at the perpetrator, yet i couldn't bring myself to do so, even whilst in the heat of the moment when my usual tendency is to react otherwise. -i didn't even remember the grudge i held (or rather the intense feeling of how unfair it felt to have someone do me an injustice and get away with it) against said person after two days. -i got stood up again by someone who is well, well-known for doing that, and i was surprisingly okay with it for the rest of the night. i was even able to spend time with god while waiting for the friend that never came, and not even realise the time. it's a miracle, considering that (a) praying in public has been so difficult for me to do as of late because for some reason, i either cannot focus or get interrupted, and (b) my mood usually tends to go downhill after someone stands me up, because of the disappointment after the anticipation of meeting said friend and of having to travel to the meeting place and hang around aimlessly for quite some time before finding out i did all that for nothing. (having significance, purpose and meaning to everything has always been essential to me and whenever i feel time is wasted in any way, or i am made to feel invisible and yet not allowed to leave and do something more useful instead, i really feel like shit because it implies that i am useless and insignificant, and that i am just wasting a section my limited time here on earth when i could be doing something better with it.) okay i think that's all i can manage for now. next on the list was supposed to be an update of a certain ladies' conference i attended, but the story is sooooo long (and the accompanying pictures are a lot to choose from) that it keeps putting me off. but soon, i will stop procrastinating. soon. like how i will finish clearing up my months-long task of cleaning my room soon. or like how i will finish reading at least one borrowed book soon. (no idea why, but i find it easier to devour titles on the shelves at bookshops then when they're sitting on the armchair in my room. perhaps it has to do with the perceived notion of having more time to read them.) okay! i must sleep. later note: eventually the mammoth task of updating got done, including the ladies' conference post. how i spent the new year the things that happened on new year's eve and the day after were just surreal.i was on half-day on the eve (which came with a nice staff lunch) so after that i delivered a present to my dear agent who was responsible for helping me through the employment process as well as some food to a birthday friend, who also passed me a small goodie bag. i didn't want to be spending the eve pathetically at home so after going home to bathe, i went out and joined a friend's church watch-night service. after that, one of the members had to drive me to another friend's house which was near the church i am currently attached to (they don't do countdowns but they do do dawn prayer service the day after, hence the reason i had to spend the night at my friend's). i have to confess that i lost my temper in the car as my friend wasn't giving me clear directions to his place and the decision to bunk in at his place instead of sleep where i was was pretty last-minute. but we found the place anyway and i got up in time the next day. my friend who drove, fetched another two friends up and we went, in the pre-dawn hours (see where the surreal part makes sense especially here?) to church. after that, i went for an impromptu walk around some stadium and a row of shops i had always wanted to visit (but never got around to visiting) with a friend of mine who was due to leave overseas soon as well as his friend. i had wanted to spend time with said friend before he left but had no idea we would be walking, nor that he would be with his friend. so since i was decked out in the wrong attire (jacket, t-shirt and long thick trousers) i decided to sit at the sidelines while they jogged around the stadium. so there i was, early morning (again surreal, since i am usually in bed around that time), sitting at the edge of a soccer goalpost, overlooking a row of third-storey houses (don't ask me why they have houses in front of the stadium so near you can throw balls into their windows if you wanted to), opening my birthday friend's goodie bag, then sucking on a mini candy cane and reading the enclosed mass-addressed letter that came with it. as i read through the letter, it felt like i was reading about a stranger's life, not a friend i thought i knew. there was a lot of honest outpouring in that letter in the sense that it revealed a side of said friend that i had never got to see before. i suppose that's what the year(s) ahead is for, to know my friend better. all i can say is, i am glad that i got to spend the new year with friends, who are my version of family, because when i got back, my brother, in a fit of anger, stepped on my third toe until it bled after fighting over something petty and the day went downhill from there. |
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