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read between the lines
parents suck life is bitter. picture this: it's relatively late in the nite (ok la it's not, but i had a full day n lack of sleep so i was feeling tired) n ur mom starts to have an argument with you bout trust. n she says things in such a contradictory way that u jus can't help but feel so fricking frustrated and so oppressed at the end of it all when she jus slams the door in your face. (she acts like she gives u choice, like she finally trusts you, and at the end of it all she says no. then why the hell fool me into thinking u finally trust me, mom?) n to top it off, there's been minor skirmishes along the day...for instance she's slammed down the phone on you once today, and had a disagreement with u over something so minor earlier tonite.and i was so pissed and upset about the whole thing that it affected the rest of my nite. the whole entire time when i was bathing i swore, got mad, broke down, cried, cried out to god....cos usually bathing time is one of the places where i think things thru, which is partly why i take at least an hour to bathe. seriously....i noe god wants me to pass this test. i noe i said i wud stop running away from this problem. but i jus felt so weak....n tonite i relly felt almost like giving up on this whole stupid idea of standing all this n seeing all this thru. i felt like running away. i felt like going missing. i also said i wished my parents were dead so at least i'd have only some buncha happy memories about them. n i also suddenly saw the light when i felt jus like those relly outraged teens who take the gun n shoot down their parents...cos i felt jus like that again this nite too. it's all coming out again tonite....i've been trying so hard not to pent up this anger with my parents by leaving the hse n going awol for most of the day n nite, n now that i have to sit down n face it...it's hard. i have to keep reminding myself to focus on god....n tonite for the first time since a few years, i've actually gone back to my old remedy for crappy nites: snacking on some plain milk chocolate to make me feel better. n it actually works cos i feel much better after treating myself...or mebbe it's the stuff in the chocolate or sth...i dunno. they say chocolate's an aphrodisiac but i dunno....so far i don't feel any sex drive while having eaten it each time...i jus feel much better or happier, that's all. yeah, those were the days.....last time when i didn't have the freedom to roam around n stake out plush comfy seats at coffee houses n stuff, my only freedom was at home at nite when the air was cold n quiet, n my whole family wasn't awake to stress me out n make me die early. i wud....make myself a cup of 3-in-1 gold nescafe, take out some milk chocolate (it ranged from bars to harry potter chocolate frogs, to anything...as long as it was plain milk chocolate) n sit down in the dining room n jus think (or talk to god silently, since my living room is unfortch near my parents' room), while sipping my coffee n nibbling my chocolate. n i always felt so much better after i did that. along the way the idea didn't become practical for several reasons n i stopped. but yeah, when i come to think of it, yeah, that was a piece of temporary peace for me. i always stocked up the goodies (the drink n food) one week before, so i'd never run out. n....somehow....i think it boosted my self-esteem, the fact that i was treating myself, i mean it jus made me feel much better. cos sometimes y'know, you jus feel so lousy n no one else but u n god understands or knows, so in an effort to cheer you up you treat yourself to ur favourite stuff? sigh. long road to go. the parents thing. yeah, it jus gets better and better, sarcastically speaking. way to go, mom and dad. say stuff to piss me off. or hurt me by saying relly wrong things that u noe are not true. woo hoo. i'm so happy and thankful i've got a**h***s for parents. whoops...did i say that? sigh. i jus feel so mad when i think about them. i feel the need to...retaliate with a bad word. it's kinda hard to do the jesus, thing, especially if they're your own flesh n blood n u have to put up with them every single day. i relly don't know how you did it, god. father, forgive them? i don't know how you killed them with kindness. i'm still trying, god. i'm still trying. |
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