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read between the lines
interesting feeling strong contradictions within myself about my photojournalism final project. had consultation with my lecturer today, n he asked me what i wanted to do on, and i said i was thinking of portraying the christian faith or pain visually. and somehow he ended up leading me to pain....but the problem is, he wants me to go around taking shots of old people on the streets....yeah. like they wanna be taken pictures of. like i'm not gonna get robbed or molested with an expensive camera on my neck alone in some bad section of town where old people hang out. (think chinatown or the bad hat areas in jb)but the main reason why i'm against this topic, the main splinter in my mind, was...i actually wanted to do the other choice, on hindsight. darn. me and the topic of pain on my mind...should NOT have said the word. but interesting conversation with him though. either my lecturer is intuitive, or he's just told me tonight things that people have been seeing / noticing all along but have not bothered to tell me to my face. he said... 1) he can tell i've "had a lot of misery in my life". i wonder if it had to do with me thinking of doing the subject of pain (i couldn't help it...it was on the agenda in my mind this whole time...and ever since i saw that guy with his face clasped in his hands i kept wondering if pain would be a considerable topic to shoot). 2) he can sense i have a lot of emptiness...? 3) (indirectly) that god might have let me down and i might've given up but he was wrong....because i will NEVER believe that the One whom i'm living for has ever once failed me. 4) there's definitely "something different about [me] from the rest" and he can tell through the way i express myself and my body language or something like that. 5) i must've had some pretty bad experiences because my confidence has been greatly affected. 6) other dot dot dot things 7) "i can sense a lot of anger in you" and he said i had better learn how to deal with it n how to control it or it could get out of hand....which is true, but is not visible to the general public. at least i don't think so....cos i do make the effort to at least be cordial and polite when dealing with lecturers / people of authority and such. i don't know if what my pastor said during sermon this sunday is true...that depression is "anger turned inward"....but sometimes i admit i do get pretty pissed with my 'self' (not myself, but the 'self' as in the heathen, carnal part of me) and i hate my 'self' so much while wondering what are the practical ways i can let christ take over the self and eventually infiltrate my whole being. maybe that's why he gets a lot of good photographic shots, because he's really in tune with his intuition....if that's correct. but after hearing the stuff he told me today that revealed bits of myself to me, i feel exactly like how i felt like after taking, those useless personality tests and "what character /object are you?" quizzes eons ago: so what? i mean, okay, initially i felt like the people who keep taking these pathetic tests...in the sense that oh, here's something that i can relate to, and oh, these tests can see right through me and reveal me so much....but then, after countless tries....you start to think....so what's the point? big deal that these tests can tell me a lot about myself...but these are things which i already know. they don't tell me what to do or where to go from here and they don't get me anywhere. still, it was quite a surprise, getting a "crystal ball" gaze into my life from someone who has no clue what i do with my life or where i've been these days. but it doesn't solve my problem which i mentioned at the top: how in the world am i going to work on my final project and am i going to do something about the fact that i'd rather shoot faith in christianity than pain in old people? even so when i thought of pain, i wasn't thinking of old people. but shoot me for not opening my mouth and saying what i really thought. argh. |
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