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read between the lines
releasing empty talk wednesday someone totally pissed me off and i remember going ballistic, berating myself terribly once she finally left....i remember waking up the next day and having that bludgeoned knife of anger within me, wondering how in the world i was going to forgive her with such anger and hatred in my heart. but god's plans for me that thursday released me from this force: the acting & directing exercise in which i was told to play the role of a rage-driven character allowed me to let out a lot of pent-up frustration...and surprisingly ever since then i don't feel one bit resentful towards her. but liking her is another thing.the london bomb blasts came and went...thank god my friends over there were all safe...and thursday night i came across the blog of someone i know whose contents in reference to me really irked me and affected our relations the next day...like i said, you know how one blog leads to another which leads to another? so i was looking around, clicking on a link to a link to a link, when i found her blog...and her entry and what she wrote...or rather what she didn't write...about me. it's like i was literally invisible to her. for all her strivings to be "united in christ", i never expected her to be that cold. i don't even have something against her. but ah well. people like that do exist. all i know is i had no mood to say hi to her when i saw her the next night...and i still have no mood to. i'm not really feeling in a rage at her right now, but it's sort of...a feeling of i-don't-know-what-to-say. and oh wait. let's not forget the fight with my parents on saturday when my quiet time of solitude with god compromised my parents' need to keep me in a cage and lock me up for the rest of my life. i still don't get them and i never will...i just don't have the patience to tahankan them and try to understand them like some Freudian psychologist who uses reasoning to rationalise people's actions. i mean, i understand their fears and over-the-top concerns for my safety, but i still cannot and will not agree with how they choose to go about addressing these fears. my mother especially, can be very conservative in her thinking...until sometimes i just cannot understand why her heart is so closed towards certain matters. she used to think all rock music was satanic...thank god i managed to change her opinion on that (with the help of the holy spirit). but there's a lot of other things she's unnecessarily against. and if there's one thing i really really detest from anybody, it's the feeling of being opressed...of being prevented from one's freedom. i still don't know when my parents will ever let me go...but all i know is they're making it extremely hard for me to enjoy being their child by putting all kinds of restrictions on me which are better meant for five-year-olds. and while i was wallowing in my weaknesses earlier in the bath, it occured to me that by right, one's parents should know what their child is going through (in life). it is a very sad thing that i cannot tell my parents what really goes on in my life. the last time i was truly honest with my parents was when i was twelve...and what an adverse effect it was. they betrayed me in and out, made fun of me, criticised me and chastised me for "being like that". and all attempts after that to get them to at least stop rubbing it in when i tell them about my life have failed. and they expect me to be open with them so that they can trust me enough to let me live my own life. ah. i realised i could go on and on, ranting till thy kingdom come about how this house is a prison and my parents are over-protective, and how my yf can be really unfriendly when they start to clique up and leave no space for awkward newcomers or people who don't belong to their prototype of what's "in", and how life is crappy because i'm trying so hard to rid myself of the old me but progress is frustratingly slow......but it's not gonna solve anything. parousia's satisfied provides the answer that should be coming out of me....that i should be content for i have all i need in god....but right now i'm not there yet. i'm striving to see it that way...especially in the area i'm struggling with....but perfection has not been completed in me yet. |
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